Posted on 07/07/2010 9:44:52 AM PDT by Kaslin
Dear Carrie: I'm 35 and have an established, well-paying career. I am engaged to a man who earns considerably less than I do. Neither of us has children. I treasure my financial independence, but I also want to build an equitable relationship. I'd like to have a prenup, but I am afraid of offending him. Help! -- A Reader
Dear Reader: Today it's not uncommon for a woman to make more money than her husband. According to recent information from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, one-third of workingwomen earn more than their spouses. But statistics don't solve personal issues, so while there might be a certain comfort in the numbers, it's up to you and your fiance to figure out just what the difference in your incomes means to you now -- and what it might mean down the road.
I agree that a prenuptial agreement could be a good idea for the two of you. The key, I think, is to put it in the right context. Make it clear from the get-go that your goal isn't in any way to prepare yourself for a divorce -- but to build a strong foundation for a lasting relationship. In fact, I often believe that the most important thing about writing a prenuptial agreement isn't necessarily the legal document itself, but rather that the process is a way to create a mutual understanding. So, the first thing is for the two of you to have a heart-to-heart conversation about your current economic situation, your desire for financial independence, and your common financial goals.
DISCUSS THE EMOTIONAL ISSUES
No matter how modern we think we are, traditional attitudes toward money and male/female roles can rear up in a situation like yours. Money is often equated with power and self-worth. Talk honestly with your fiance about his feelings. Is he uncomfortable or threatened by you being the primary breadwinner? Does he expect the situation to change in the future? Can he handle it if you always make more money? Then take your own emotional temperature. Will you someday resent the fact that you're bearing more of the financial responsibility?
With these feelings clearly exposed, take a look at other aspects of your attitudes about money. For instance, is one of you a saver and the other a spender? How do you each handle credit and debt? Is financial control an issue? While you might agree in theory that what you each earn isn't important, differences in how you handle money could become a problem if not addressed -- and understood -- now.
LOOK AT YOUR CURRENT FINANCIAL POSITION
You don't say if you have accumulated assets either in a brokerage or savings account or in real estate. If either of you already has assets, you could agree to keep those separate and put any future savings toward your household. A good exercise for common understanding is to create individual net worth statements. Total up your individual assets (what you own) and your liabilities (what you owe). This way, you'll both see exactly where you stand and can discuss what you want to keep separate, what you may want to combine, and how you'll handle any debts.
CREATE A PRACTICAL PLAN FOR EVERYDAY MONEY MATTERS
Next, I recommend talking about some of the more practical aspects of how you want to handle daily finances, no matter where the money comes from. Things to consider include:
-- Expenses: Which will you share (e.g., mortgage, utilities, groceries) and which will you keep separate (e.g., clothes, personal entertainment)? Agree on what percentage of your individual incomes you'll contribute to the common pool that's fair to each of you. Decide who will be responsible for the actual bill paying.
-- Separate or joint accounts: Some couples prefer to pool everything in a joint account. Others keep separate accounts for personal expenses and a joint account for shared expenses. Be sure you agree and have equal autonomy.
-- Saving: What are your individual and shared savings goals? What percentage of your incomes will you save each year? How will you divide your savings among your goals?
-- Investing: Once you have some savings, how will you invest and who will be primarily responsible for investing? One way to maintain financial independence is to have separate investment accounts.
KEEP TALKING
To my mind, there's no question that the conversations leading to a prenup can be a positive start to a marriage. But perhaps even more important are the open and ongoing dialogues about your financial goals, your dreams for the future and how you'll work together to reach them. Conversations about money may not seem very romantic, but they can go a long way toward keeping your romance alive.
I remember when ‘creeps’ were the only ones who employed prenups. Now ‘wise’ women do it.
LMAO
/johnny
I don't need to read further. You are expressing this thought; I love you but with conditions.
You have no business marrying this person. Do both of you a favor, don't marry.
She makes more, but when she files for divorce she’ll still take half of his income.
If the judge were sane (big ‘if’) the answer is simple. When they go into the marriage, she brought her business into the marriage - it’s hers. What they earn together is split, 50/50. Without regard to why, if they divorce she takes her business with her - anything different is slavery.
See how rationale this is? Funny, it is sexist and totally unfair if it’s a man who brings his business into a marriage.
In todays world, you would think that everyone had to have a prenup. If this were the case it would make it easier on everyone. Men usually don’t think about this kind of stuff unless there is one hell of a lot of money involved or he has lost in past relationships.
with a fiancee like that. Exactly (and I mean the female)
I wonder if this woman plans to have children. Her attitude and plans for her career may change drastically when/if she does. I know mine did. I went from career-oriented professional that earned more money than my husband (and spent accordingly) to being a stay-at-home Mom that budgets expenses.
I was at Toys R Us the other day. They had a divorce Barbie and it came with all of Ken’s stuff.
Its always amazed me that future spouses hire separate lawyers to negotiate and hammer out a prenup. That is heartbraking to me whenever I hear it. Marriage is supposed to be forever and more important than finances. Remember “for richer or for poorer”?
tell that to YLA
The Mrs and I have one. It’s the second time round for both of us, and we had established ourselves prior to engangement.
We still keep our finances separate too. Some people think that’s wierd, but I think it removes a potential source of conflict.
If I want a new gun, or she wants whatever, there’s no asking for “permission”, etc.
tell that to YLA
tell that to YLA
Prenup = “I’ll marry you, but I don’t trust you.”
When Johnny Carson got divorced from one of his wives, she demanded $10,000.00 per month to be able to send flowers to her friends. The court awarded it to her. This was on top of the other significant settlement she was awarded.
There’s a concept of the woman being kept in the manner to which she became accustomed.
How about the guy returning her to the status she had when she leached onto him? That seems fair to me.
It has baffled me the rationale that these women and the courts use to strip men of their wealth. If a guy tried this he’d be called a gold-digger and dismissed.
About 15 years ago, there was a guy that married Liz Taylor, or some other well known woman. He asked for a monetary settlement and the court basically laughed at him.
Hey, I’m not so opposed to that as long as it goes both ways.
“Its always amazed me that future spouses hire separate lawyers to negotiate and hammer out a prenup.”
Ours wan’t like that at all. Basically my wife and I jsut decided that whatever we brought into the marriage remained ours, and that we would keep separate finances.
We went to a lawyer and he drew it up and had it notarized, etc.
No big deal.
Going for a prenup is a sincere lack of trust which is the very foundation of a marriage. Best to stay single.
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