When A Woman Isn't In The Mood: Part II (Female Nature, Sex And Men Alert)

n Part I, I made the argument that any woman who is married to a good man and who wants a happy marriage ought to consent to at least some form of sexual relations as much as possible. (Men need to understand that intercourse should not necessarily be the goal of every sexual encounter.)

In Part II, I advance the argument that a wife should do so even when she is not in the mood for sexual relations. I am talking about mood, not about times of emotional distress or illness.

Here are eight reasons for a woman not to allow not being in the mood for sex to determine whether she denies her husband sex.

1. If most women wait until they are in the mood before making love with their husband, many women will be waiting a month or more until they next have sex. When most women are young, and for some older women, spontaneously getting in the mood to have sex with the man they love can easily occur. But for most women, for myriad reasons -- female nature, childhood trauma, not feeling sexy, being preoccupied with some problem, fatigue after a day with the children and/or other work, just not being interested -- there is little comparable to a man’s “out of nowhere,” and seemingly constant, desire for sex.

2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?

What if your husband woke up one day and announced that he was not in the mood to go to work? If this happened a few times a year, any wife would have sympathy for her hardworking husband. But what if this happened as often as many wives announce that they are not in the mood to have sex? Most women would gradually stop respecting and therefore eventually stop loving such a man.

What woman would love a man who was so governed by feelings and moods that he allowed them to determine whether he would do something as important as go to work? Why do we assume that it is terribly irresponsible for a man to refuse to go to work because he is not in the mood, but a woman can -- indeed, ought to -- refuse sex because she is not in the mood? Why?

3. The baby boom generation elevated feelings to a status higher than codes of behavior. In determining how one ought to act, feelings, not some code higher than one’s feelings, became decisive: “No shoulds, no oughts.” In the case of sex, therefore, the only right time for a wife to have sex with her husband is when she feels like having it. She never “should” have it. But marriage and life are filled with “shoulds.”

4. Thus, in the past generation we have witnessed the demise of the concept of obligation in personal relations. We have been nurtured in a culture of rights, not a culture of obligations. To many women, especially among the best educated, the notion that a woman owes her husband sex seems absurd, if not actually immoral. They have been taught that such a sense of obligation renders her “property.” Of course, the very fact that she can always say “no” -- and that this “no” must be honored -- renders the “property” argument absurd. A woman is not “property” when she feels she owes her husband conjugal relations. She is simply wise enough to recognize that marriages based on mutual obligations -- as opposed to rights alone and certainly as opposed to moods -- are likely to be the best marriages.

5. Partially in response to the historical denigration of women’s worth, since the 1960s, there has been an idealization of women and their feelings. So, if a husband is in the mood for sex and the wife is not, her feelings are deemed of greater significance -- because women’s feelings are of more importance than men’s. One proof is that even if the roles are reversed -- she is in the mood for sex and he is not -- our sympathies again go to the woman and her feelings.

6. Yet another outgrowth of ’60s thinking is the notion that it is “hypocritical” or wrong in some other way to act contrary to one’s feelings. One should always act, post-’60s theory teaches, consistent with one’s feelings. Therefore, many women believe that it would simply be wrong to have sex with their husband when they are not in the mood to. Of course, most women never regard it as hypocritical and rightly regard it as admirable when they meet their child’s or parent’s or friend’s needs when they are not in the mood to do so. They do what is right in those cases, rather than what their mood dictates. Why not apply this attitude to sex with one’s husband? Given how important it is to most husbands, isn’t the payoff -- a happier, more communicative, and loving husband and a happier home -- worth it?

7. Many contemporary women have an almost exclusively romantic notion of sex: It should always be mutually desired and equally satisfying or one should not engage in it. Therefore, if a couple engages in sexual relations when he wants it and she does not, the act is “dehumanizing” and “mechanical.” Now, ideally, every time a husband and wife have sex, they would equally desire it and equally enjoy it. But, given the different sexual natures of men and women, this cannot always be the case. If it is romance a woman seeks -- and she has every reason to seek it -- it would help her to realize how much more romantic her husband and her marriage are likely to be if he is not regularly denied sex, even of the non-romantic variety.

8. In the rest of life, not just in marital sex, it is almost always a poor idea to allow feelings or mood to determine one’s behavior. Far wiser is to use behavior to shape one’s feelings. Act happy no matter what your mood and you will feel happier. Act loving and you will feel more loving. Act religious, no matter how deep your religious doubts, and you will feel more religious. Act generous even if you have a selfish nature, and you will end with a more a generous nature. With regard to virtually anything in life that is good for us, if we wait until we are in the mood to do it, we will wait too long.

The best solution to the problem of a wife not being in the mood is so simple that many women, after thinking about it, react with profound regret that they had not thought of it earlier in their marriage. As one bright and attractive woman in her 50s ruefully said to me, “Had I known this while I was married, he would never have divorced me.”

That solution is for a wife who loves her husband -- if she doesn’t love him, mood is not the problem -- to be guided by her mind, not her mood, in deciding whether to deny her husband sex.

If her husband is a decent man -- if he is not, nothing written here applies -- a woman will be rewarded many times over outside the bedroom (and if her man is smart, inside the bedroom as well) with a happy, open, grateful, loving, and faithful husband. That is a prospect that should get any rational woman into the mood more often.

Yes, you are right about the support thing. It is like books and, more recently, the movie “Fireproof” shows how women can be to the “put-upon” woman.

So far it is the bitter cycle thing. My ex went through a few boyfriends and now lives in a condo where one of the other women has a condo. It is one of those “looks like a cheap apartment complex” condos. Both women had to sell their homes in the burbs. Both husbands remarried, very happily.

My ex in particular is still being “mean”, but not to me. The girls tell me her and her current boyfriend constantly fight.

I think that was one of my weaknesses. I never fought. Whenever someone raises their voice at me I go into Mr. Spock mode. The more strident they get, the calmer I sound. She needed someone that would give it back. My motto is to NEVER say something I don’t actually mean. Ever.

It is almost scary how little my wife and I fight. We don’t really. There is just too much mutual respect. I still say she is the closest thing to Eve since that nasty flood business a few millennia ago. And she has yet to offer me THAT kind of apple. ;)

If he thinks woman should be having sex when they are not in the mood because they are obligated to - then that tells me he does not want to accept women the way they are.

Exactly. For all his 'its in our genes, biology, etc.' route, he fails to acknowledge that women are simply not biologically, emotionally, etc. wired to be an on demand blow up doll.

>>Seriously, though, people divorce in their minds long before they make up the papers.<<

I agree, my oldest daughter threw us a surprise 20th wedding anniversary party and my wife looked VERY distressed during the event. It was 8 months before I was served papers.

“You won the relationship lotto.”

So wrong. It’s not some sort of lotto or chance or winning something. It’s a marriage, a committment. Now I see where you’re coming from if you consider it a relationship lotto. Viewing it that way, it’s just all luck and no one is responsible or accountable.

“Have some understanding for others.” Huh? I do have understanding and compassion for others. It’s none of my business why their marriages don’t work. Nor do I pretend to know the reasons.

“There’s a reason dating, relationship and counseling industries are booming.”

What do you think that reason is? Could it be the victim mentality we seem to embrace? Some people want to throw away their money to get “counseled” by someone who can’t help them other than to stroke their ego? I’m no expert and it’s just my opinion but those areas are booming because there’s a market of suckers. We need dating, relationship and counselling industries?

Marriage, any relationship, is hard at times. It’s been that way forever.

“You and your hubby are truly blessed to have each other. It’s funny that when you are committed to the marriage, you just know what to do....no instructions required.”

like I said - we’ve had friends let it slip away. People we never would have thought it would happen to.

I’m not naive enough to say “it’ll never happen to me”.
So I give thanks for every day and do my best not to take it for granted.

“With this in mind, imagine if someone were to say that men should ALWAYS be ready to listen to their wives or to provide emotional intimacy...regardless of the husband’s mood at that time, and with no need for the wife to meet certain prerequisites to get what she wants from her husband.”

To compare the two is apples and oranges.
In one case you’re talking about one person lending an ear - or not.
The other? You’re talking about lending something “else” entirely.

“If someone were to describe a husband’s obligations in this way, would you say this person does not accept men the way they are?”

Sure, but that doesn’t change my statement about “how women are”.

To be more specific - I’m really curious how Mr. Prager honestly expects this fantastic insight of his to be put to practical use.

Is this column going to inspire his wife?
Are men going to e-mail this column to their women?

And what will be the result?
Well- because women “are the way they are” - the result will be zilch.

Or - Mr. Prager could do something useful.
He could tell his wife that her jeans make her but look nice. Rub her shoulders. Kiss her on the neck.
There are alot of little things that will get a much better result than telling a woman “it’s your duty..”

What a wonderful person you are, and your spouse too!

A sense of humor is one of the most important aspects of any relationship, especially a marriage, imo. Both of my parents had a sense of humor and wicked wit. Probably why they were married for 57 yrs before my Dad died.

One of the first things I noticed about my husband was his sense of humor. He made me laugh and continues to do so and hopefully I do the same.

“Exactly. For all his ‘its in our genes, biology, etc.’ route, he fails to acknowledge that women are simply not biologically, emotionally, etc. wired to be an on demand blow up doll.”

LOL!
You said with much more eloquence than I could.
Good post.

I have to say some one brushing my hair is the number one way for me stop from going crazy. I loved it when my ex-boyfriend would brush out my hair, he wouldn't get as far as you want (or really anywhere... we were 15 and I wasn't that kind of girl) but I would say that would be quite a kind and very relaxing and nice feeling gesture (ok more than nice feeling especially after not sleeping for a week; I would say more on the fact that whoever was doing it needed sainthood it felt so good after that week when my roomate brushed it out).

I will say however I am not married so I could be totally wrong. My roommate however is, and I would say that if her husband where to brush her hair out while trying to get that... I would not want to be in that room or anywhere near it (but then again, I usually don't want to be in there when he and she are there. /blushes)

With the first 3, c sections, doctors said 6 weeks (you know, during the discharge instructions). With my 4th, another c section and had to be knocked out for surgery, doctor said 3 weeks! She’s talking about all these instructions and I’m stuck on the 3 weeks, lol. I said to her “3 weeks, what happened to 6 weeks?” She assured me 3 weeks was just fine...of course my husband is in the room and thinks this is so cool. I told him not to even attempt for 6 weeks. :)

It isn’t a question of weakness and strength. In certain circumstances, most women can be much stronger, and braver than most men.(Case in point— I used to work at a Children’s Hospital. When a child died, the mothers would be very sad but could almost always keep it together. The hospital personnel would usually have to give a shot to the fathers, who were so upset they would often pass out when they got the news. But again, that’s a generalization. I’ve also seen one mother get very upset and pass out when she learned her child had died. But that was a complete surprise and not at a hospital where the possibility of death is always present. So your assertion may be somewhat true, if you consider a woman who gets upset at the death of her child “weak.” )It’s a question of the “female nature” which is the title of this thread. Women get more emotionally bonded after sex than men do, and as a result, have a harder time putting the past behind them. That, in my opinion, is the reason women have fewer sex partners than men. If you don’t believe me, ask five women and see if the majority agree.

I mean you won the lotto in terms of finding someone compatible. You've been bragging all over the thread about how great your marriage is. Great, I'm happy for you. Yes, marriage has its ups and downs but for those who are fundamentally incompatible every day is a battle. It shouldn't be that way. Maybe you have a circle of long time happily married friends so life looks a certain way to you. All I'm asking is for you to consider situations from the point of view of others. There are many singles out there who have not found the right person for them. It's not a matter of blame or lack of effort. Sometimes life experiences are just different for different people.

I do have understanding and compassion for others.

It doesn't come across that way.

Could it be the victim mentality we seem to embrace? Some people want to throw away their money to get “counseled” by someone who can’t help them other than to stroke their ego? I’m no expert and it’s just my opinion but those areas are booming because there’s a market of suckers. We need dating, relationship and counselling industries?

This is Exhibit A of my point.

“What seems to always work for me is to start away from the target zones. Takes longer that way but by the time I get to the desired areas I never get a no.”

We got a winner here!

Maybe you need to send Mr. Prager a memo?

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