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When A Woman Isn't In The Mood: Part II (Female Nature, Sex And Men Alert)
Townhall.com ^ | 12/30/2008 | Dennis Prager

Posted on 12/29/2008 11:11:17 PM PST by goldstategop

n Part I, I made the argument that any woman who is married to a good man and who wants a happy marriage ought to consent to at least some form of sexual relations as much as possible. (Men need to understand that intercourse should not necessarily be the goal of every sexual encounter.)

In Part II, I advance the argument that a wife should do so even when she is not in the mood for sexual relations. I am talking about mood, not about times of emotional distress or illness.

Why?

Here are eight reasons for a woman not to allow not being in the mood for sex to determine whether she denies her husband sex.

1. If most women wait until they are in the mood before making love with their husband, many women will be waiting a month or more until they next have sex. When most women are young, and for some older women, spontaneously getting in the mood to have sex with the man they love can easily occur. But for most women, for myriad reasons -- female nature, childhood trauma, not feeling sexy, being preoccupied with some problem, fatigue after a day with the children and/or other work, just not being interested -- there is little comparable to a man’s “out of nowhere,” and seemingly constant, desire for sex.

2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?

What if your husband woke up one day and announced that he was not in the mood to go to work? If this happened a few times a year, any wife would have sympathy for her hardworking husband. But what if this happened as often as many wives announce that they are not in the mood to have sex? Most women would gradually stop respecting and therefore eventually stop loving such a man.

What woman would love a man who was so governed by feelings and moods that he allowed them to determine whether he would do something as important as go to work? Why do we assume that it is terribly irresponsible for a man to refuse to go to work because he is not in the mood, but a woman can -- indeed, ought to -- refuse sex because she is not in the mood? Why?

This brings us to the next reasons.

3. The baby boom generation elevated feelings to a status higher than codes of behavior. In determining how one ought to act, feelings, not some code higher than one’s feelings, became decisive: “No shoulds, no oughts.” In the case of sex, therefore, the only right time for a wife to have sex with her husband is when she feels like having it. She never “should” have it. But marriage and life are filled with “shoulds.”

4. Thus, in the past generation we have witnessed the demise of the concept of obligation in personal relations. We have been nurtured in a culture of rights, not a culture of obligations. To many women, especially among the best educated, the notion that a woman owes her husband sex seems absurd, if not actually immoral. They have been taught that such a sense of obligation renders her “property.” Of course, the very fact that she can always say “no” -- and that this “no” must be honored -- renders the “property” argument absurd. A woman is not “property” when she feels she owes her husband conjugal relations. She is simply wise enough to recognize that marriages based on mutual obligations -- as opposed to rights alone and certainly as opposed to moods -- are likely to be the best marriages.

5. Partially in response to the historical denigration of women’s worth, since the 1960s, there has been an idealization of women and their feelings. So, if a husband is in the mood for sex and the wife is not, her feelings are deemed of greater significance -- because women’s feelings are of more importance than men’s. One proof is that even if the roles are reversed -- she is in the mood for sex and he is not -- our sympathies again go to the woman and her feelings.

6. Yet another outgrowth of ’60s thinking is the notion that it is “hypocritical” or wrong in some other way to act contrary to one’s feelings. One should always act, post-’60s theory teaches, consistent with one’s feelings. Therefore, many women believe that it would simply be wrong to have sex with their husband when they are not in the mood to. Of course, most women never regard it as hypocritical and rightly regard it as admirable when they meet their child’s or parent’s or friend’s needs when they are not in the mood to do so. They do what is right in those cases, rather than what their mood dictates. Why not apply this attitude to sex with one’s husband? Given how important it is to most husbands, isn’t the payoff -- a happier, more communicative, and loving husband and a happier home -- worth it?

7. Many contemporary women have an almost exclusively romantic notion of sex: It should always be mutually desired and equally satisfying or one should not engage in it. Therefore, if a couple engages in sexual relations when he wants it and she does not, the act is “dehumanizing” and “mechanical.” Now, ideally, every time a husband and wife have sex, they would equally desire it and equally enjoy it. But, given the different sexual natures of men and women, this cannot always be the case. If it is romance a woman seeks -- and she has every reason to seek it -- it would help her to realize how much more romantic her husband and her marriage are likely to be if he is not regularly denied sex, even of the non-romantic variety.

8. In the rest of life, not just in marital sex, it is almost always a poor idea to allow feelings or mood to determine one’s behavior. Far wiser is to use behavior to shape one’s feelings. Act happy no matter what your mood and you will feel happier. Act loving and you will feel more loving. Act religious, no matter how deep your religious doubts, and you will feel more religious. Act generous even if you have a selfish nature, and you will end with a more a generous nature. With regard to virtually anything in life that is good for us, if we wait until we are in the mood to do it, we will wait too long.

The best solution to the problem of a wife not being in the mood is so simple that many women, after thinking about it, react with profound regret that they had not thought of it earlier in their marriage. As one bright and attractive woman in her 50s ruefully said to me, “Had I known this while I was married, he would never have divorced me.”

That solution is for a wife who loves her husband -- if she doesn’t love him, mood is not the problem -- to be guided by her mind, not her mood, in deciding whether to deny her husband sex.

If her husband is a decent man -- if he is not, nothing written here applies -- a woman will be rewarded many times over outside the bedroom (and if her man is smart, inside the bedroom as well) with a happy, open, grateful, loving, and faithful husband. That is a prospect that should get any rational woman into the mood more often.


TOPICS: Constitution/Conservatism; Culture/Society; Editorial; Philosophy
KEYWORDS: behavior; dennisprager; feelings; femalenature; genderwars; maritalvows; marriage; men; mood; obligations; partii; psychology; relationships; sex; townhall
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To: Citizen Blade

This thread is creepy.


341 posted on 12/30/2008 7:47:09 PM PST by Twink
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To: Twink

Post 338

I tell my daughter I should have named her Cinderella!!!


342 posted on 12/30/2008 7:50:19 PM PST by Shyla
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To: Twink

Twink,

This thread is, well you know. Take it with a grain of salt.

: )


343 posted on 12/30/2008 7:51:42 PM PST by Shyla
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To: Shyla

Dear Men,

If you want your wife to enjoy sex please step up to the plate.

It is mutual you know.

My hubby knows this, life is good.

To all the complainers.....you must lack in, uhmm...skills.

Not that difficult to understand???


344 posted on 12/30/2008 7:56:51 PM PST by Shyla
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To: malkee

“reality is that most men today wouldn’ marry a woman who wouldn’t sleep with them beforehand”

These generalities crack me up.

I have no idea how old you are, I’m in my 40s, married for 19 yrs and have 4 kids. When I met my husband in college, he was 19 and had been having sex since he was 14/15, freshman in high school.

Not all that much is different today in the area of sex. You are either meeting the wrong kinds of men or your naive.

“As far as the GOP is concerned —perhaps we need to start another thread on this — the party is going to continue to shrink until it gets fully behind people like Sarah Palin — and even some women who think like Sarah Palin but don’t look as good as she does. Better yet, the party could promote women who don’t look like Sarah Palin but might be a little more articulate and a little less cowed by the media. Single women might even be an option. Granted, there aren’t many single conservative women, but there are some. The same goes for minorities.”

You should re read that part again because it’s contradictory at best and nonsense at worst. Seriously, reread what you typed.


345 posted on 12/30/2008 7:57:40 PM PST by Twink
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To: Randy Larsen

If you pay me, I will write it ;)

No one would read it because it wouldn’t fit with their “issues” or “excuses” but the research would rock ;)


346 posted on 12/30/2008 8:15:24 PM PST by Twink
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To: Shyla

LOL! Yep. I call my 4 girls, Cinderella, at times.

Then there’s the whole paying them thing, lol.


347 posted on 12/30/2008 8:19:06 PM PST by Twink
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To: Twink

And as I re read what I typed, that should be “you’re for your.”


348 posted on 12/30/2008 8:20:59 PM PST by Twink
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To: malkee

What about the woman’s need/want for sex? It does exist.


349 posted on 12/30/2008 8:32:53 PM PST by Twink
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To: RobRoy

Great analogy!


350 posted on 12/30/2008 8:34:46 PM PST by Twink
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To: Canticle_of_Deborah

Just as there is no excuse for a woman not understanding a man’s nature. Geez, it’s not that difficult.


351 posted on 12/30/2008 8:37:05 PM PST by Twink
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To: thesearethetimes...

Good point! Great post.


352 posted on 12/30/2008 8:38:39 PM PST by Twink
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To: malkee

These generalizations crack me up. Some women, women with issues, some men, men with issues, etc. Fortunately, most of us don’t have to deal with all these “issues” and just live our lives...and have great sex, which is a part of life.

You do a disservice to women by making statements that portray women as weak, which we all know isn’t the case. Weak women are weak, same as men. The rest of us deal and can’t be boxed into this little corner the psychologists and their patients would like to wrap around everyone for their own benefit.


353 posted on 12/30/2008 8:46:07 PM PST by Twink
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To: Scotswife

Now I’m just thinking about having sex.


354 posted on 12/30/2008 8:48:56 PM PST by Twink
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To: RobRoy

Family Court is now pro woman/female/mother regardless of the circumstances.


355 posted on 12/30/2008 8:52:13 PM PST by Twink
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To: Scotswife

Great post!

I do think marriage is difficult at times, living with anyone is difficult at times.

I’ve enjoyed marriage also, it can be a lot of fun and fortunately I married someone who thinks and feels the same way.


356 posted on 12/30/2008 8:55:12 PM PST by Twink
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To: Scotswife

Or right before the baby was born or right afterwards for me. He really tried not to be in the mood. It was sweet.


357 posted on 12/30/2008 9:01:52 PM PST by Twink
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To: timm22

Good post!


358 posted on 12/30/2008 9:05:34 PM PST by Twink
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To: Twink
I’ve enjoyed marriage also, it can be a lot of fun and fortunately I married someone who thinks and feels the same way.

That's great and I'm happy for you, but I hope you realize that your situation is becoming more rare. Half of all marriages end in divorce and many of those that don't are unhappy. People are getting married later or not at all out of fear, discouragement or inability to find a compatible partner. You won the relationship lotto. Have some understanding for others. There's a reason dating, relationship and counseling industries are booming.

359 posted on 12/30/2008 9:08:30 PM PST by Canticle_of_Deborah
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To: Shyla

Sleep is good. Sometimes, it’s even nice being awakened during sleep for some lovin’.

Seems like you and your husband get it.


360 posted on 12/30/2008 9:10:00 PM PST by Twink
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