She's repulsed by her baby

azstarnet ^ | August 24, 2006

[beaversmom]

● DEAR ABBY: I'm 26 and have never wanted children. Last year, however, two lines appeared on a pregnancy test, and 41 weeks later, the girl was born. I pleaded and begged my husband throughout the pregnancy to sign adoption papers with me. He refused. He is in the military and was gone most of the last seven months. We now live thousands of miles from my family, and I am miserable, stuck with a colicky baby who still doesn't sleep through the night.

I find no joy, no pleasure and no love being a mother. I can't sleep knowing I must wake up to a crying baby and the same routine of feeding, diapers, baths and bottles. I have become more and more detached from the girl and have nothing to enjoy. I can't even enjoy a cup of coffee without looking over my shoulder to see where the girl is. I don't want her to touch me, and I can barely hide my revulsion.

I am exhausted beyond belief, and my thoughts are turning darker every day. It's not the girl's fault she was born, but I can't help feeling resentment and anger toward this little person who more and more resembles a block of concrete on my feet.

We can't afford day care, and we have no friends or relatives close by. These long stretches of crying have my nerves shot and my hands itching to shake the girl until she shuts up. (I have never shaken her.) I'm scared of my feelings. What's wrong with me? Why can't I love my child? Should I put her in foster care? My husband can't stand her either, but he's adamant that we keep her. Yet I'm suffering, and so is she. She deserves a mother who loves her. — Going Crazy in San Diego

DEAR GOING CRAZY: It's not a crime not to feel maternal — not everyone is. In a case like yours, adoption might have been the better option. I can only recommend that before another day goes by, you contact the doctor who delivered your daughter, or her pediatrician, and repeat what you have told me. You may be suffering from postpartum depression, a hormonal condition that is treatable, and you may need a respite from motherhood. Once your chemistry is balanced again, visit your family for a few weeks. If you leave the baby with your husband, he may begin to see the wisdom of placing her with a family that really wants her and is willing to accept the responsibility that goes along with having a baby.

[Larry Lucido]

give her tea and sympathy and totally overlook the danger to the baby

Nope, I did EXACTLY the opposite. Re-read my comments, Einstein.

[Tamar1973]

I swear, people with gaggles of kids are the most insulting, stuck up bunch there is.

I don't have any children...yet. My husband and I have been reluctant to have children, quite frankly and have taken multiple steps to prevent pregnancy. I was on the Pill for 10 years until my doctor told me recently to stop taking it (I'm 33 and I guess 10 years is a little long to be on the Pill anyway). Even while I was on the Pill, we made sure we didn't have sex during the time when ovulation could occur or used a condom.

I just believe in personal responsibility. I believe if you really don't want children and you're not willing to take permanent steps (or at least multiple steps) to prevent pregnancy, you shouldn't be having sex in the first place. Abstinence is the only foolproof way of making sure one doesn't get pregnant (turkey basters not withstanding).

SHE KNEW SHE DIDN'T WANT CHILDREN...her husband married her KNOWING THAT. Some people aren't cut out for parenthood.

I'll agree with that. These beasts shouldn't have bred.

The husband is the one at fault here.

It takes two to make a baby. You said that they both knew they didn't want children. Well they also both knew that he was a MARINE and Marines spend long periods of time away from home and move a lot. She knew, or should have known all the ramifications of the life she was getting herself into.

This woman is NOT the victim here, only the child.

[Tamar1973]

And what about the husband who clearly wants a family?

He never should have married a woman who clearly didn't want a child.

[WV Mountain Mama]

I think there is a window of opportunity when that can be done. Only within 3 days of giving birth or something. At least I think that is the case in PA, I am not sure about WV.

[Arthalion]

Sounds like my sister. She always said that she disliked babies (too dirty...smell funny...take too much time), but wound up getting pregnant when her pill failed. She wanted an abortion, but her husband refused to allow her to do it. She wanted to put the baby up for adoption, but her husband wouldn't allow that either. She refused to discuss names with her husband, refused to allow him to decorate a nursery, and when the baby was born refused to breastfeed or do much at all to care for the baby. She wouldn't change diapers (she actually loaded the baby into the car and drove across town to have our mom change them on several occasions), was very verbally abusive, and showed zero motherly instinct.

After about six months, her husband finally realized that she wasn't going to "grow out of it" and demanded that she leave. She surrendered all parental rights, they dissolved their marriage, and she hasn't seen the kid since (that was seven years ago). Her husband has since remarried, and today has several additional kids with his new wife.

Some people just aren't cut out to be parents. My sister is one of the nicest, most intelligent people you will ever meet. She is a veterinarian, regularly attends church, served in the Army for a stint, and is incredibly charitable, friendly, and outgoing. She simply had none of the "wiring" required to be a mother, and had no clue how to be one and no interest in learning. She's remarried herself nowadays, and my brother in law is a very nice guy who also has no interest in raising children (he once told me that it's partially physical...he can't have kids of his own).

The problem, I think, is that society DOES push people into parenthood who really aren't cut out for it, and who clearly state that they don't want it. When someone says "I don't want to have children", people should NOT be surprised when they are pressured into having them and end up resenting or disliking those kids. I firmly believe that God put us all here to play a role in the world, but I do NOT believe that all of our roles must include parenthood. I have three of my own and love them dearly, but not everyone needs to take that path in life.

[Carry_Okie]

What are you talking about?

I was confused as to which thread to which you were responding, thinking your post was from that mountain lion thread. I apologize.

Re: Sounds a lot like my childhood.

I won't go into detail. Let's just say I started out as a kid with colic, followed by various forms of abuse.

I got over it.

[WV Mountain Mama]

My dad had a black angus that he sent to auction (and not my freezer, unfortunately) for that same reason.

[durasell]

Need to see picture of baby. It might be a hideously ugly kid.

[Aquinasfan]

We are not yet a theocracy, so her marriage certificate trumps your interpretation of the Bible.

Then how does their relationship differ from a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship?

IOW, what's the purpose of marriage?

[WV Mountain Mama]

Too many people (especially non-mothers) underestimate what lack of sleep or only sleeping fitfully for an hour at a time sporadically throughout the day can do to someone. Hello!! There is a reason we use sleep deprivation when we capture terrorists and try to get them to "crack" in interrogations!!

[Aquinasfan]

I've been reading along down the back-and-forth on this thread, and you win the "Most Useless Advice" Award.

What advice did I offer?

My point is that these two have never been married, since one of the essential components of marriage is the willingness to bring new life into the world.

Otherwise, there is no difference between marriage and any other relationship, like, for instance, a sexual relationship between two men, or three men, or... you get the idea.

[Wolfstar]

Nope, didn't mean it that way at all. Sheesh.

While you're busy telling others to re-read your posts to better understand them, you might check out the fact that I wrote this to you: "I grant you may not have intended your comment that way."

[Wolfstar]

The only hint was just a suggestion that if you are angry at your mother, feel sorry for her loss but try to let it go.

No fooling? Well, I would just never have figured that out for myself. Next time you want to send a hint to someone, don't use a sledge hammer. They might be more receptive.

[WV Mountain Mama]

Does anyone know if Dear Abby can have this letter investigated by authorities? (If it is real.) This woman is basically threatening her child. Are there any avenues that can be taken to find this baby and remove it from her "mother"?

[Wolfstar]

Presumably she values her marriage, despite her rejection of her child. Going behind her husband's back, even if it's legal (and I'm not sure it is), could cause her a new world of hurt she doesn't want.

You see, that's the problem I have with many of the posts on this thread. It's all about the woman, and her marriage, and problems that might ensue if she goes behind her husband's back.

What about the child? If that letter is to be believed, that baby is genuinely in danger. As someone else posted earlier, get the baby into a safe environment, then sort the rest of the stuff out afterwards.

Taking the baby to a hospital and dropping her off would be a whole heck of a lot more constructive than sending some stupid anonymous letter to Dear Abby and getting Abby's pablum back in return.

[Wolfstar]

Does anyone know if Dear Abby can have this letter investigated by authorities? (If it is real.) This woman is basically threatening her child. Are there any avenues that can be taken to find this baby and remove it from her "mother"?

These are superb questions, and they place the concern squarely where it should be -- on the baby.

I wish I knew the answer. Maybe the only thing people like us could do is find a way to email Abby and ask for that to happen.

[CindyDawg]

I'm sorry if I offended you. That was not my intention. I won't post to you again about this. Ok? Peace.

[Darnright]

>it not like the baby is going to know how her mother feels<

Oh, the baby knows exactly how this wretched, ill mother feels. Babies have an inborn need to be near their mother, to be snuggled and cared for and loved.

My heart just breaks for this poor baby, whose mother refers to her not as "my child", or "my daughter", but who refers to her infant as "the girl".

[HairOfTheDog]

They are married, and your church doesn't change that. You're the guy standing in front of a house on fire proclaiming that good houses don't burn, while everyone else is running about at least trying to put it out.

[beaversmom]

Dennis Prager did a show about not wanting kids a month or so ago. Some people that thought they didn't want them/disliked children turned out to be wonderful parents. Some people that didn't have kids regretted it in the end. I guess it depends on the person. Interesting about your sister--how in general she's a great person but couldn't be a mom.