Posted on 08/24/2006 10:28:15 PM PDT by beaversmom
● DEAR ABBY: I'm 26 and have never wanted children. Last year, however, two lines appeared on a pregnancy test, and 41 weeks later, the girl was born. I pleaded and begged my husband throughout the pregnancy to sign adoption papers with me. He refused. He is in the military and was gone most of the last seven months. We now live thousands of miles from my family, and I am miserable, stuck with a colicky baby who still doesn't sleep through the night.
I find no joy, no pleasure and no love being a mother. I can't sleep knowing I must wake up to a crying baby and the same routine of feeding, diapers, baths and bottles. I have become more and more detached from the girl and have nothing to enjoy. I can't even enjoy a cup of coffee without looking over my shoulder to see where the girl is. I don't want her to touch me, and I can barely hide my revulsion.
I am exhausted beyond belief, and my thoughts are turning darker every day. It's not the girl's fault she was born, but I can't help feeling resentment and anger toward this little person who more and more resembles a block of concrete on my feet.
We can't afford day care, and we have no friends or relatives close by. These long stretches of crying have my nerves shot and my hands itching to shake the girl until she shuts up. (I have never shaken her.) I'm scared of my feelings. What's wrong with me? Why can't I love my child? Should I put her in foster care? My husband can't stand her either, but he's adamant that we keep her. Yet I'm suffering, and so is she. She deserves a mother who loves her. — Going Crazy in San Diego
DEAR GOING CRAZY: It's not a crime not to feel maternal — not everyone is. In a case like yours, adoption might have been the better option. I can only recommend that before another day goes by, you contact the doctor who delivered your daughter, or her pediatrician, and repeat what you have told me. You may be suffering from postpartum depression, a hormonal condition that is treatable, and you may need a respite from motherhood. Once your chemistry is balanced again, visit your family for a few weeks. If you leave the baby with your husband, he may begin to see the wisdom of placing her with a family that really wants her and is willing to accept the responsibility that goes along with having a baby.
What was your childhood like? Parents resented you?
I've been reading along down the back-and-forth on this thread, and you win the "Most Useless Advice" Award.
I categorize it as total BS.
We are not yet a theocracy, so her marriage certificate trumps your interpretation of the Bible.
Exactly. This attitude of "if you don't like kids you're a horrible person" is silly.
The problem is, we will never know the outcome. All we will ever know is what is in that letter. Based on that only, scum sure suits both of those parents.
How sad. I really hope your life is better now. I came into adulthood with a lot of baggage too. When I was 23, I had to let the anger go though. It was too emotionally draining.
Is this an "I should have had an abortion" seminar writer? This story seems really far fetched.
They haven't taken responsibility for anything. So they didn't get an abortion. Whoop-de-do. Plenty of people have kids mostly to milk the welfare system and for no other reason.
So now this sorry excuse for a woman is stuck with a kid she hates. She clearly is thinking about harming the baby. No. Let's say it more honestly. She's thinking of killing the baby. Why? Because she's too damned selfish and self-absorbed to care about anyone else but herself. That's why.
And you expect me to cut her some slack because she didn't have an abortion? Get real. Not getting an abortion is not the be all and end all of decent human behavior. It is merely one marker among many. If she kills the child before birth or after, murder is murder. That woman has murder in her heart toward an innocent baby even if she doesn't act on it.
I don't think post-partum depression is dependent on having wanted kids. She has both. She never wanted kids, and she may very well have post partum depression.
While I agree we are not just brainless reactions to our hormones, I'm not sure calling her names is going to get her to do what you want. She is angry and without a lot of support in a world she never wanted to live in. She's been advised to seek help, hopefully she will.
I took issue with your expressed opinions because they are unsupported by facts. If you have no facts to post, I suggest you refrain from personal attack.
I work to restore natural habitat nearly every day. I have demonstrated observable results that impress professionals in the field as nearly unique. I can say without equivocation that people trading in opinions like yours are enormously destructive to that effort.
Please get an education.
Oh, and an antiwar/antimilitary type seminar caller as well.
That is quite a testimony. I can't even imagine what it would be like so I can't comment, but I can appreciate how it would affect your viewpoint.
I'd like to hear the husbands side of the story.
(1) My problem with him has zero to do with his being in the military or being on assignment away from home.
(2) Being in the military, whether or not on assignment away from home, is no magic shield that keeps a person from being a rotten human being. There are rotten human beings in all walks of life, in all fields of endeavor. Yes, even in the military.
(3) Get off your soap-box about how tough it is to be in the military and also be a young parent. Thousands of people do it, and they manage just fine without bitterly hating their children like this woman, and without using the child to control their spouse, like the woman's husband. Don't demean the good people in the military just to excuse these two lousy examples.
(4) My handle has nothing to do with children. My tagline does, and it is the exact opposite of hypocrisy. My only sympathies in this pathetic story are with the child, not with either parent. The parents made their choices. The child has no choice -- and no protection.
Strange coincidence. Just yesterday I met my nephew for the first time. His name is Nathaniel. His family told me than he goes around telling everyone that his name means "Gift from God".
Kind of like those guns that jump out of storage and kill people walking by.
Sad.
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