Posted on 08/24/2006 10:28:15 PM PDT by beaversmom
● DEAR ABBY: I'm 26 and have never wanted children. Last year, however, two lines appeared on a pregnancy test, and 41 weeks later, the girl was born. I pleaded and begged my husband throughout the pregnancy to sign adoption papers with me. He refused. He is in the military and was gone most of the last seven months. We now live thousands of miles from my family, and I am miserable, stuck with a colicky baby who still doesn't sleep through the night.
I find no joy, no pleasure and no love being a mother. I can't sleep knowing I must wake up to a crying baby and the same routine of feeding, diapers, baths and bottles. I have become more and more detached from the girl and have nothing to enjoy. I can't even enjoy a cup of coffee without looking over my shoulder to see where the girl is. I don't want her to touch me, and I can barely hide my revulsion.
I am exhausted beyond belief, and my thoughts are turning darker every day. It's not the girl's fault she was born, but I can't help feeling resentment and anger toward this little person who more and more resembles a block of concrete on my feet.
We can't afford day care, and we have no friends or relatives close by. These long stretches of crying have my nerves shot and my hands itching to shake the girl until she shuts up. (I have never shaken her.) I'm scared of my feelings. What's wrong with me? Why can't I love my child? Should I put her in foster care? My husband can't stand her either, but he's adamant that we keep her. Yet I'm suffering, and so is she. She deserves a mother who loves her. — Going Crazy in San Diego
DEAR GOING CRAZY: It's not a crime not to feel maternal — not everyone is. In a case like yours, adoption might have been the better option. I can only recommend that before another day goes by, you contact the doctor who delivered your daughter, or her pediatrician, and repeat what you have told me. You may be suffering from postpartum depression, a hormonal condition that is treatable, and you may need a respite from motherhood. Once your chemistry is balanced again, visit your family for a few weeks. If you leave the baby with your husband, he may begin to see the wisdom of placing her with a family that really wants her and is willing to accept the responsibility that goes along with having a baby.
Shades of Janet Cook, Batman! I think the letter is a fabrication.
May God richly bless this poor sweet baby's life. I hope the parents do what's right for the child.
"If you leave the baby with your husband,"
What the heck kind of advice is that?!?
She said her "husband can't stand the baby either". What does this "DEAR ABBY" idiot think the husband might do to the baby if he feels that way?
Twisted? Yes. Abnormal? Hell, yes.
But if she recognizes her extreme shortcomings and does the right thing by getting intensive help or, preferably, getting the baby to a real family (and getting her tubes tied), then I'll hold back on calling her scum.
As far as the husband's refusal to cooperate, she may have to make a deal with the devil and report herself to child protection. A foster home, pending legal proceedings, is probably better than the current situation.
He's not your husband, since you're not married. You're not married because you have intentionally rejected children.
There are three essential components to a valid marriage: the intention of an exclusive lifetime commitment at the time of the wedding, mutual care of the spouses, and openness to bringing children into the world. Simply stated, God intended marriage for the propagation of the human race.
Doctors used to be in the business of restoring and preserving health. They shouldn't be in the business of maiming patients.
This letter smells like a setup - it seems contrived to show that "see, here's why abortion should be more acceptable".
Part of me wants to offer her counseling and a break - the other part of me wants to cry for the hard-heartedness of this world.
Jesus asked rhetorically, "What loving father gives his child a snake when he asks for bread?"
He could have said, "What mother dismembers her child when he asks for life?"
That's how far we've fallen.
I once heard Peter Kreeft say that "primitive" people in Africa were shocked when they learned that there were countries where abortion was a common practice. They simply couldn't understand it.
Friend of mine had to do that with her second. For the first six months or so, the kid would NOT quit crying unless he was in a running car.
And what about the husband who clearly wants a family? I suspect it would be better for him and the kid if he dumped the wife .
Sounds to me like she loves herself to the point where she has none left for her child. Kids can drive you nuts at times, but how could anyone say they hate thier own child...
Talked her out of it or not, at the end of the day an abortion would have been her decision -- unlike adoption which needs approval from both parents. So if she did not have an abortion, she was knowingly taking the hard road.
To me, it sounds like a textbook case of post-partum depression.
Prayers for this young mother to get her through this time of trial.
If the husband supposedly wanted a family, then it was thoughtless of him to choose to marry a woman who clearly does not want children in hopes that having the baby will change her mind. A baby has a right be wanted and loved by both of his or her parents. It is not clear what he feels in any case, from the letter it appears he was gone seven out of the nine months she was pregnant, and is now back home and doesn't want to deal with the baby either.
Wow, these responses shock me.
I went through some serious post-partum depression after my 2nd child. I truly thought life would always be that bleak, I would never again sleep more than 1-2 hrs straight, and I would never feel the bond I felt with my first son.
Luckily for me, I had my husband there to talk to and he didn't feel the same way. I also had a good friend and some family for emotional support.
I don't know how I would have done it, by myself, and if my husband didn't want the child. Part of the burden is the guilt you feel for not being 'supermother'. Add to that the lack of sleep, the hormonal changes, and what seems like the endless feedings and diaper changes, and that mole hill quickly becomes a mountain, even if only in your own eyes.
I could not love and adore our middle son anymore than I do now, and thank God constantly for His gifts of my 3 sons.
I will pray to God that she can reach out to someone near her, or that someone reaches out to her, so she knows she is not alone, and exactly what it is she is going through. I pray for the child to know the love she deserves.
When I read your post my heart "smiled":')
That bothers me that she calls her baby "the girl". I have known mothers that refered to their children this way and they were very detached from their children.
Right. It's the husband's fault < /sarc>
He should keep the kid and put the wife up for adoption.
If she doesn't physically kill the baby, I'm sure the baby already senses the lack of affection in mom. In orphanages and institutions, thousands of babies and children suffer this fate, and then suffer potentially life long (especially if there is no one to intercede on their behalf) disabilities and issues as a result of this failure to thrive and/or attach. Sociopaths are sometimes created thusly. That poor, poor baby. I pray the mom takes the advice and seeks help. There are many people who will help her or raise the baby for her, she just doesn't know it.
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