Posted on 05/18/2006 9:08:06 AM PDT by guinness4strength
WASHINGTON - After years of world leaders condemning America for overreaching its power, Americans elected their first ever Imperialist President.
"We do everything we can to help the world, but we're still resented, they call us imperialist pigs," said DC cabbie Albert Shlutnick. "Now they'll see what imperialism is really like."
Americans got a raw taste of its new leadership this morning at the first press briefing with President Hillshire in full form.
The president opened the briefing with astonishing news:
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I would like to announce that Iran and North Korea no longer exist. Are there any questions?"
Most in the press sat stonefaced in disbelief, then erupted in laughter taking it for a joke. But the longer Hillshire remained somber, the more they realized he was serious.
"This is a Holocaust of historic proportions," said a reporter from the BBC news, continuing: "Sir, you are a war criminal."
Hillshire chuckled, replying: "Will somebody get the English accent out of here, I thought we got rid of that after the Tea Party."
As the Secret Service escorted the BBC reporter from the briefing room, Hillshire continued: " If there are any other Europeans in attendance, just remember you'd be a Nazi or a Soviet without America, so just keep brewin' the good beer and keep quiet, maybe we'll leave you alone for now. Are there any other questions?"
"How did you annihilate those countries?" ABC news asked.
"Ah, let's see, we dropped water balloons on them? Come on, I'm not going to reveal operational details. Let's suffice it to say that we'll soon have some satellite imagery showing the new shape of things over there."
"Mr. president, did you notify any other world leaders of your actions?"
"Actually, we did prank-call the Iranian president, we asked him if his refrigerator was running. When he said it was, we said 'not for long,'" the president said.
"What are your future plans?" asked Fox News.
"We're tossing a gigantic tariff on all Chinese imports. We're also diverting all charitable funds that were going overseas to American causes. Many never realized America is the most giving nation in the world, and now we're bringing it back home," Hillshire said.
"Oh, and we've closed the United Nations," Hillshire continued. "After all, it was our idea in the first place. We started it over here, so we can end it."
"Will there be no allies then? No diplomacy?" asked the New York Times.
"Actually, all the other 'nations' will soon be taxpaying states, or be nuked out of existence. To start the process we've retained all their ambassadors and delegates as hostages."
The reporters stood in dumbfounded silence.
"Hey don't blame me, the voters put me here. After all, the world dubbed us imperialists the moment we finished pacifying much greater aggressors. Maybe we just needed to remind everyone how restrained we once were," the president said.
"Do you have any words of encouragement for those in the world community?" asked a French journalist.
"Citizens of the world, your first tax bill will be arriving shortly. Make checks payable to the U.S. Treasury. Oh, and welcome to America," the president said with a wink.
Standard What-If disclaimer: The preceding is pure fiction, and fiction is always more illuminating than fact.
Good article. Libs can say what they will, but we are FAR from an imperialistic country right now.
Retarded grade-school sh*t.
loved it!!
That was just "keeping up with the Jone's". The Great White Fleet went around the world after the Russian fleet had tried it (and got hammered at Thushima) in 1904. The U.S. had to demonstrate their capability to keep the Japanese in line in the Pacific, and the Germans from becoming opportunists in the Atlantic. It was also a bit of a demonstration to the British.
They scream (fill in the blank) but as someone famous once stated, they keep using that word; I'm not sure they know what it means.
I always wanted to send a dictionary to alot of the liberals I read.
Brigands of the world, they have exhausted the land by their indiscriminate plunder, and now they ransack the sea. The wealth of an enemy excites their cupidity, his poverty their lust of power. East and West have failed to glut their maw. They are unique in being as violently tempted to attack the poor as the wealthy. Robbery, butchery, rapine, the liars call Empire; they create a wilderness and call it peace.
"I don't think we ever will."
Well - according to the editorials in the Seattle newspapers George Bush is pretty much Darth Vader. It's pretty amazing the level of hatred (and stupidity) in those editorials. Not to mention the bumper stickers. The one I saw recently was "Got Rights?"
It was on a new Range Rover!?
I love it!
If we were an imperial country, our oil would be free, puppets would be in place throughout the world, and anyone that opposed US dominance would be threatened with gradually escalating sanctions, up to annihiliation. We would still have the Russians and Chinese to contend with, so there would be regional limits to our abilities, but most of the world would be under our direct or indirect control. However, to govern that territory would force us to take actions which would be horrible to our sense of morality, and that would in turn eventually lead to dictatorship at home as well as abroad.
For that reason, our policy has always been to create a world of democracies with free market economies with which we can trade. A world of free people will protect America much better than a world of American slaves, for we would also become slaves.
Great piece..........definitely made my day!
Thanks
I read that the first time as "Rove Ranger".
With the exception of the Philippines, I can agree. That was badly handled.
Other than trouble with the Muslim population and a World War, I don't think there were any major problems. The Muslims also fought against the Spanish, the Japanese and the Philippine government.
It wasn't just the Muslims in the Philippines. That came later. A change in administrations back home didn't help, but we can hardly blame General Aguinaldo for feeling betrayed when comments like Admiral Dewey's statement that the US "had come to . . . free the Filipinos from the yoke of Spain." were followed up eventually by a U.S. general assuring Congress that Filipinos who wanted freedom had "no more idea of its meaning than a shepherd dog."
To quote one good selection from Katz at NYU:
President McKinley said he spent many sleepless nights agonizing about the Philippines. The president called his program "benevolent assimilation." The influential San Francisco Argonaut was more candid: "We do not want the Filipinos. We want the Philippines. The islands are enormously rich, but unfortunately, they are infested with Filipinos."
A U.S. army of 70,000 [including 6,000 Black troops] was sent to pacify the islands and, as more than one white soldier said, "just itching to get at the niggers." General William Shafter told a journalist it might be necessary to kill half the population to bring "perfect justice" to the other half.
After General Jack Smith promised to turn the Philippines into a "howling wilderness" most casualties were civilians. Smith defined the foe as any male or female "ten years and up," and told his soldiers: "I want no prisoners. I wish you to kill and burn; the more you kill and burn the better it will please me."
These guys were not representative of the initial American intervention, but the fact is that it started off well and quickly got less well-intentioned than most of America's interventions. Their decisions once victoriuous came nowhere close to even paying lip service to their stated aims. My sympathies are with the Filipinos on that one.
Looking onwards however, I think the US have done an excellent job of rebuilding links and bonds since the Marcos years. The Phgillippines are a flawed, weak country and it's good that the bitterness of previous periods isn't there between the US and either the govt. or civilian population (Muslim rebels obviously excluded!).
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