Posted on 03/01/2006 7:09:06 AM PST by ZGuy
In the United States, living together instead of marrying has become the norm for couples -- half of young adults aged 20-40 are cohabiting instead of getting married. Cohabitation has increased nearly 1,000% since 1980, and the marriage rate has dropped more than 40% since 1960.
Some see substituting living together for marriage as an insignificant shift in family “structure.” Those who are better informed realize that the shift has disastrous ramifications for the individuals involved, as well as for society and public policy.
The faulty reasoning leading young adults to make such a poor choice must be exposed. Here are four myths surrounding the shift.
Myth No. 1: Living Together Is a Good Way to “Test the Water”
Many couples say that they want to live together to see if they are compatible, not realizing that cohabitation is more a preparation for divorce than a way to strengthen the likelihood of a successful marriage -- the divorce rates of women who cohabit are nearly 80% higher than those who do not. In fact, studies indicate that cohabiting couples have lower marital quality and increased risk of divorce. Further, cohabiting relationships tend to be fragile and relatively short in duration; less than half of cohabiting relationships last five or more years. Typically, they last about 18 months.
Myth No. 2: Couples Don’t Really Need That “Piece of Paper”
A major problem with cohabitation is that it is a tentative arrangement that lacks stability; no one can depend upon the relationship -- not the partners, not the children, not the community, nor the society. Such relationships contribute little to those inside and certainly little to those outside the arrangement. Sometimes couples choose to live together as a substitute for marriage, indicating that, in case the relationship goes sour, they can avoid the trouble, expense and emotional trauma of a divorce. With such a weak bond between the two parties, there is little likelihood that they will work through their problems or that they will maintain the relationship under pressure.
Myth No. 3: Cohabiting Relationships Usually Lead to Marriage
During the 1970s, about 60% of cohabiting couples married each other within three years, but this proportion has since declined to less than 40%. While women today still tend to expect that “cohabitation will lead to marriage,” numerous studies of college students have found that men typically cohabit simply because it is “convenient.” In fact, there is general agreement among scholars that living together before marriage puts women at a distinct disadvantage in terms of “power.” A college professor described a survey that he conducted over a period of years in his marriage classes. He asked guys who were living with a girl, point blank, “Are you going to marry the girl that you’re living with?” The overwhelming response, he reports, was “NO!” When he asked the girls if they were going to marry the guy they were living with, their response was, “Oh, yes; we love each other and we are learning how to be together.”
Myth No. 4: Cohabiting Relationships Are More Egalitarian Than Marriage
It is common knowledge that women and children suffer more poverty after a cohabiting relationship breaks up, but it’s not so well understood that there is typically an economic imbalance in favor of the man within such relationships, too. While couples who live together say that they plan to share expenses equally, more often than not the women support the men. Studies show that women typically contribute more than 70% of the income in a cohabiting relationship. Likewise, the women tend to do more of the cleaning, cooking and laundry. If they are students, as is often the case, and facing economic or time constraints that require a reduction in class load, it is almost invariably the woman, not the man, who drops a class.
So What’s the Conclusion?
A mass of sociological evidence shows that cohabitation is an inferior alternative to the married, intact, two-parent, husband-and-wife family. Increasingly, the myths of living together without marriage are like a mirror shattered by the force of the facts that expose the reality of cohabitation.
Dr. Crouse is senior fellow of Concerned Women for America’s Beverly LaHaye Institute.
It takes two to tangle...
And untangle, apparently ;~D
"Don't much like women?"
LOL.
I will ask my wife of 23 years. She will definitely let me know.
Whoaaaaa...take it easy there.
General comment for general situation.
There are plenty of exceptions. Guaranteed!
Glad you see that since your original post stated the "real reasons" women don't marry. I would go as far as to say most people who are living together are not doing it for the "free ride".
I know your post was tongue in cheek – but I couldn’t resist.
you are correct. I did not express my thoughts completely enough to be clear. let me try again
In the case where one party is being unreasonable, the courts will usually shaft the man. Even if the woman is the unreasonable one and when she broke the marriage. At least that's been the experience in my portion of the country and (from first hand reports here) in quite a few other areas as well.
This is not to say that every man who gets divorced gets shafted but it happens enough that men have grown very wary of marriage.
Note that I never said in all (at least I don't I ever said in all). I said in most cohabitational situations the guy is using the woman. I stand by that.
Well, I'd say men who marry and have children should not fear marriage, but a good healthy fear of divorce is good for both men and women to have. :~D
I don't buy that the man always gets shafted. It doesn't pass the smell test. It doesn't match what I've seen in friends. Is life just as good as it was before? No - not always, divorce isn't really good for families ever.
And of course I disagree. And always will disagree. Premarital sex is bad for people. I hold that opinion from a biblical standpoint as well as from an experiential standpoint. We'll just have to agree to disagree.
And that's fine, John... I get your point, and I admire it.
About the same but I examine the circumstances in each case. A guy who's not been shafted will claim to be shafted and a women whose ex-husband was shafted will never admit that he was shafted. (and in those rare occasions vice versa)
I know from experience that for some reason everything I say seems to strike you the wrong way but this comment leaves me kind of scratching my head. I was intending to be equally negative about both men and women in these situations (short term non-long haul commitment cohabitation). Can you point examples out to me on where I was more negative to one than the other?
I can recall in highschool hearing the female students who went "too far" with the male students being called "whores." The unfairness of it, struck a strong chord with me, because it wasn't what I was taught at home, or in religion class either. My beliefs about it haven't changed and never will. Some of the comments you make are precisely the same kind of thinking.
So are the girls who sleep around not whores? Of course the guys who sleep around are also whores. Does the label affixed to one change the label affixed to another? It shouldn't. Either one is a whore or one is not. It doesn't really matter what anyone else is.
Note that I've said (from the beginning of this thread if I recall correctly) that I look down on both members of these short term cohabitational arrangements
Sorry. I guess I was asleep at the switch that time. :^)
This is one of those things that has always confused me. The goal of marriage is to spend the rest of your life with someone yet so many people accept a divorced person (even mulitply divorced people) as a suitable mate with no deep research into their character.
It seems to me that if someone's been divorced once that maybe they just picked a loser for their spouse. After two or more failed marriages the only thing common is the divorced person. Maybe they are the problem.
That's why I say that you have to look close and hard at a divorced person and much harder at a multiply divorced person before making a commitment to them. The odds for that second (or third or seventh etc) divorce are just too great.
Another thing that confuses me is a woman (or man) who will run around with a married person and then expect that person to remain faithful once they get married to each other. If he ran around with you he'll run around on you. To me this is self-evident but so many can't see it.
A man who wants children must get married. Can't preseve your lineage through illegitimate chidlren.
I don't buy that the man always gets shafted.
I never said always.
BTW, how do you manage to always reply to my posts within about 15 seconds of when I hit the post button? It's uncanny
I hope there was some sarcasm in there. I am very happy in my marriage, and I know many young men who are the same, or looking forward to it. I also know many older couples who have been married happily for years.
I briefly dated a married woman when I was young and [more] foolish. She neglected to tell me she was married. To a Marine Corps Drill Instructor.
I always asked first after that...
There is a deeper bond in marrage that will survive more difficult times.
Wow if you think marriage is about sex and money its no wonder you're so jaded. My wife is my friend, and partner. She helps me to be a better Christian. I have less money and recreational time now than when I was single but I am a more complete person.
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