SMART SINGLE WOMEN DESPAIR OF EVER FINDING TRUE LOVE (Dear Abby, reference to Maureen Dowd)

www.uexpress.com ^ | December 22, 2005 | Abigail Van Buren

[Sonny M]

DEAR ABBY: Several of my friends and I were bemoaning our status as single women in our late 20s/early 30s, and discussing an article we had read in The New York Times about how smart women are less likely to get married. We'd all like to find Mr. Wonderful and be married. But if we have to curtail our professional success, financial wherewithal and IQ to do it, how can a person even begin to do such a thing?

I have a feeling you'll say to be ourselves and it will all work out, but thus far it has NOT worked out, and we're starting to worry. Personally, I think we'd be better off to take jobs as "administrators" in a large company somewhere and hope for the best.

Help, Abby! What's the answer for smart, fun women who have their acts together? How can we best poise ourselves to find true love while being true to ourselves? -- LOSING FAITH IN FINDING MR. RIGHT

DEAR LOSING FAITH: The truth is, there are no guarantees that ANYONE (male or female) will land a mate. It isn't easy these days because people are commitment-phobic. And this applies to individuals at all economic and educational levels, not just you at the top. Pairing off is often a matter of luck and timing -- being in the right place at the right time.

Eligible members of both sexes can be found in places of common interest -- places that are intellectually rewarding, culturally stimulating, athletically challenging or financially advantageous. As to whether you should downgrade your job level in order to appear less "threatening," I guarantee that if you don't take financial care of yourselves while you can, you will regret it later. To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, you could fool some of the bachelors some of the time, but you couldn't fool all of them all of the time.

There are worse things than not finding Prince Charming, and one of them is spending your life pretending to be something you're not. So my advice is to stop reading defeatist newspaper and magazine articles. They'll only make you desperate, clingy and depressed -- and none of those traits is attractive to either sex.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently had a baby. We chose a mature, Christian couple to be our child's godparents. However, my brother-in-law is infuriated over the fact that he's not the godparent. He has disowned my husband and wants nothing to do with us. Behavior such as this in the past is part of the reason he wasn't chosen. However, I need to know this: Did we have an obligation to choose him as a godparent? How should we handle his immaturity and controlling behavior? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN OHIO

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: A godparent can either be a relative or a close friend, and you were not obligated to choose one over the other. Your brother-in-law may be hurt that he wasn't chosen, but his subsequent behavior has been so childish that it's apparent you made the right decision. The way to handle his immature and controlling behavior is to forgive him for it, and go on with your lives.

CONFIDENTIAL TO EDWARD PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy Birthday, baby brother! I hope you're enjoying your special day.

[OKIEDOC]

If a person lives long enough they will have some kind of baggage.

Some prefer to carry their own and some prefer to openly put it on the backs of others.

now take my Samsonite.....................

[John O]

We had a great view of the Washington Monument from our room.

DC is a great place to visit. Not a very good place to live though, at least it wasn't for me. I was young, single, athletic, on a good career track and very lonely. Every woman I met was either married, lesbian or a basket case. Not a single good one in the bunch. Of course I was lost at the time so I wasn't looking at Christian girls then. (Fish in dirty waters and you only get polluted fish)

Working together with your spouse has got to be the best thing in life. After all we are designed for the woman to be the man's helpmate. This applies to all of life.

[OKIEDOC]

When dating I always thought having a good job was a plus for man or woman.

[Blood of Tyrants]

You two need to get together.

[Blood of Tyrants]

Blood is not everything. The decision was about what was best for the child, not the pouty, childish brother-in-law.

[The Wizard]

I am seeing and beautiful AND bright young lady.....I can understand what they mean because she can be very analytical, but sex happens in the mind, and she is great.....she understands what's in HER best interests...but you have to be patient

[Blood of Tyrants]

Never mind, I see that some smart fellow has already snatched up luckystarmom.

[OKIEDOC]

It is rather common in some countries for older men to marry younger women.

Age is a hindrance only if you want it to be like any other thing in marriage.

[John O]

The only advice I have, while I do understand your desire to have kids, don't be looking for a baby factory only.

Oh I well understand this. Marriage is forever. The kids we get to have for 18 years or so and then we have only each other. So we had better be compatible for the long haul. However, if she isn't able to have children (and knows that before the wedding) I would have it annulled due to false representation. Otherwise I would resent her for the rest of our lives and that would be sad also.

I know what I want out of life and now I'm just waiting for God to bring the perfect woman into my life at the right time. I expect that she'll end up 12 to 15 years younger than I but I'd take 20 years younger if that's who God brings.

[John O]

When dating I always thought having a good job was a plus for man or woman

I'll admit I'm a bit old fashioned. The man had better have a job (career even). It's his duty to provide for his family. The woman may or may not have a job, her career is to be the wife and mother.

If her 'career' takes priority over her family then she is not worthy of being married. At least not to me or those I know.

[HairOfTheDog]

That's awfully harsh HOTD!. Why such animosity for people who are just trying to be happy?

Sorry, I lose my temper sometimes!

I'm not absolving men of any responsibility here at all

Yes you are.

When the time comes for me to remarry I cannot marry someone my own age. They are out of their child bearing years.

Then just maybe, you missed your fair chance. Or just maybe, you will get lucky and find a woman with kids she is trying to raise alone just like you.

Even if he doesn't want kids, why not get the best looking 'trophy' wife if you can (assuming that her character,morals etc are good also)

Because you are intentionally going to leave her a widow when she has a lot of years left. Years where you see her as unfit to find another mate to share her old age with. You apparently have no trouble at all breeding children till you die, leaving them all without a father. "Child-rearing years" apply to men as well.

Good for you I guess, but a lousy deal for the woman and I'd say she's a fool. Particularly if she knows why you want her.

The sexual revolution (feminism etc) has destroyed the concept of marrying the girl of your dreams right out of school and making a life together. There are precious few of us left who want that (or admit that we do) enough to take the risks involved.

This is malarky. Divorce court has never ruined a good marriage.

[HairOfTheDog]

now take my Samsonite.....................

Sorry doll, I have my own, and my husband's. You're gonna have to carry yours yourself :~D

[John O]

Or just maybe, you will get lucky and find a woman with kids she is trying to raise alone just like you.

But they wouldn't be my kids. The bible tells us to go forth and multiply. Since I've only the one child I haven't done that yet. I've actually been praying for a women in the 25-32 or so age range without kids who's never been married. Apparently lots of them about, just have to wait for God to bring me the right one.

Because you are intentionally going to leave her a widow when she has a lot of years left.

She could be left a widow one day after the wedding even if she married someone her own age. Lets assume I die at 80. She'll be 65 and rich. What's the problem with that? Especially since her prospects for marrying any time after age 30 or so (or is it 35?) are less than the odds of her getting hit by lighting.

You apparently have no trouble at all breeding children till you die, leaving them all without a father.

on the contrary. Time is very short. I have to be around until they are at least married. I figure I've got about 40 years left to raise kids. I've been taking much better care of myself to get back in great shape.

Good for you I guess, but a lousy deal for the woman and I'd say she's a fool. Particularly if she knows why you want her.

To have and to hold, to love and to honor, till death do us part. What's wrong with that?

This is malarky. Divorce court has never ruined a good marriage.

Exactly. But divorce court sure makes the guy poay through the nose for the rest of his life if he has a bad marriage. And since you don't really now who she is until years after the wedding you can't be sure you'll have a good marriage. Even if you want to work at it to make it good there's no way you can make her work at it. Huge risk factor here

You say that you are happily married now but seem so bitter on this topic. Why?

[GermanBusiness]

[Why is it that women in NYC seem to have so many problems with men?]

The short answer?

1) The women who were in their twenties during the media-fueled anti-heterosexual-male AIDS paranoia (1986 until whenever) are now watching all the men they rejected (as even friends) out of neurotic fear...date a new generation. Maureen Dowd would have been a cute 34 when the "you don't know where he's been - become a lesbian to be safe" propaganda ruined New York City social life until Gen X or (or Y?) popped in during the mid-nineties and made New Yorkers value at least socializing with each other again.

2) As prices went up in the 90s, most of the best looking young women never actually moved to Manhattan but chose to live with Mommy and Daddy in the suburbs and only come in to the city on weekend nights in order to be properly paranoid of men as rapists and serial killers. The paranoia was very bad. I remember one such young woman who worked at the World Trade Center telling me that I could call her a few times and maybe she would get over her abject fear of serial killers. Back in the 90s it was very rare for a young woman to actually verbalize her fears of serial killers. I remember my Mom telling me "never mention the name of Ted Bundy to any woman, because the use of the name alone will freak them out and make you suspect." So what I did turned out to be a huge mistake: I sent a nice letter to her at her investment bank listing five or six important people at New York City companies, the UN or charitable organizations whom she could call as a reference to see that she need not be afraid of me.

When I called her again she told me that what I did was the most frightening that had ever happened to her and that I should never contact her again, ever. I've realized the mistake had been in identifying where she worked (to send a letter) even though she had told me.

And then there was the famous way in which males could not talk about the Monika Lewinsky scandal with any New York City single woman: no matter what position a man held on the subject, he was scum...regardless of whether a woman was liberal or conservative. I remember cuddling with a girlfriend in March 1998 when the scandal came on the TV. I indicated only that I thought he did something with Monika. She was a hard-core liberal who was furious that I was falling for the Republican hatchet job (I didn't know the difference between liberal and conservative until 911). We broke up when a stock market crash wiped me out and I had to leave a luxury building with the swimming pool this liberal had loved so much. :-)

3) After 9-11, too many women remained liberals. They didn't get the memo. This, more than anything else, will doom tens of thousands to spinsterhood.

By the way, here is an interesting story that will also help explain why so many single women like Maureen Dowd will die in 30 years lonely in Manhattan:

I knew a guy and gal who worked at a major bank that had offices in Midtown and Wall Street and everywhere else. He worked downtown, she worked midtown. They had had two dates and they were getting along quite well.

One day the man ended up having a meeting in the Midtown skyscraper, that was called in a hurry. When the meeting got out, he decided to go to her floor to say hi to her before heading back downtown. He found out where she worked but she was away at lunch when he got there. He grabbed a postit note and left a friendly hello.

You can all predict what happened because of his doing that.

And the sad thing is...the man, who was my friend, understood that he was the one who had apparently done something wrong.

[Sonny M]

An enlightened couple chooses God parents outside the family(no relations whats so ever) and is miffed when direct member of the family, obviously is upset.

Just because they call themselves christian, doesn't mean they act chrisitian.

A close friend of mine had to find godparents for his kid because his brother was a worthless drunk and his wife acted like a whore.

Not ironically, his brother got angry that he wasn't named godfather and proceeded to show his anger by urinating on my friends lawn in public in a drunken state.

Mr. JoeSixPack might be using common sense here.

[Sonny M]

Reading your post, I thought you were talking to yourself.

You have to use italics.

Otherwise your gonna look like a nut.

[HairOfTheDog]

I am not bitter towards marriage. My posts indicate QUITE the contrary. My posts have been among the few here defending women and marriage! My posts extol marriage as a great partnership between two people, and I'm arguing against people who see women as a class as less than themselves at best, or meriting contempt and derision at worst. Through this thread I have tried to beat my head against people who are blaming women (under the guise of blaming feminism) for their own failed relationships. I see bitterness alright, but it wasn't from the women who came to this thread merely asking to not be lumped in with all the 'horrible Harpies' that the men here think represent all women.

I object to using a woman as a means to your end. I object to the fact that you have some woman's life all mapped out for you and you don't even know her yet. Her input on this possible future is not needed, and will only get in the way.

I object to the idea that women are worthless if they aren't a womb for your seed or a caretaker for your children, and I find your rejection of women who are your age, who have perhaps suffered the same loss you have, and are trying to raise kids alone herself would be undesirable because the kids aren't your spawn. Excuse me but I hardly think that should matter. They're kids. They need a dad.

I reject that since 'female companionship' is as easy to find as the corner bar, men have no reason to seek a deeper more committed life with a woman unless he wants kids. Beyond childbearing, she will just interfere with your golf game, I guess.

I object to the idea that marriage has been destroyed by the fact that you can't just cut and run from it, that it's expensive when kids are involved. Marriage ~should~ be expensive to leave when kids are involved.

But good luck in life, to you.... Any further conversation with you would likely depress me, so I'm going to say no. I avoided someone with views like yours for a reason :~D

I am sorry to you, I really am, for the loss of your wife.

[GermanBusiness]

[You say that you are happily married now but seem so bitter on this topic. Why?]

Your argument with that poster was over the moment she suggested that your being over 40 meant that "maybe" you should accept that you could no longer have kids.

Maybe...and then again maybe not.

[Texas Songwriter]

What did you google to bring up this photo?

[Texas Songwriter]

When you turn 30 everyone will be looking at you out of the corner of their eye. You will just have to get used to it, or get a conventional case of the clap...None of the anal pruritis. Conventional.