Posted on 12/22/2005 8:37:43 AM PST by Sonny M
DEAR ABBY: Several of my friends and I were bemoaning our status as single women in our late 20s/early 30s, and discussing an article we had read in The New York Times about how smart women are less likely to get married. We'd all like to find Mr. Wonderful and be married. But if we have to curtail our professional success, financial wherewithal and IQ to do it, how can a person even begin to do such a thing?
I have a feeling you'll say to be ourselves and it will all work out, but thus far it has NOT worked out, and we're starting to worry. Personally, I think we'd be better off to take jobs as "administrators" in a large company somewhere and hope for the best.
Help, Abby! What's the answer for smart, fun women who have their acts together? How can we best poise ourselves to find true love while being true to ourselves? -- LOSING FAITH IN FINDING MR. RIGHT
DEAR LOSING FAITH: The truth is, there are no guarantees that ANYONE (male or female) will land a mate. It isn't easy these days because people are commitment-phobic. And this applies to individuals at all economic and educational levels, not just you at the top. Pairing off is often a matter of luck and timing -- being in the right place at the right time.
Eligible members of both sexes can be found in places of common interest -- places that are intellectually rewarding, culturally stimulating, athletically challenging or financially advantageous. As to whether you should downgrade your job level in order to appear less "threatening," I guarantee that if you don't take financial care of yourselves while you can, you will regret it later. To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, you could fool some of the bachelors some of the time, but you couldn't fool all of them all of the time.
There are worse things than not finding Prince Charming, and one of them is spending your life pretending to be something you're not. So my advice is to stop reading defeatist newspaper and magazine articles. They'll only make you desperate, clingy and depressed -- and none of those traits is attractive to either sex.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently had a baby. We chose a mature, Christian couple to be our child's godparents. However, my brother-in-law is infuriated over the fact that he's not the godparent. He has disowned my husband and wants nothing to do with us. Behavior such as this in the past is part of the reason he wasn't chosen. However, I need to know this: Did we have an obligation to choose him as a godparent? How should we handle his immaturity and controlling behavior? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN OHIO
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: A godparent can either be a relative or a close friend, and you were not obligated to choose one over the other. Your brother-in-law may be hurt that he wasn't chosen, but his subsequent behavior has been so childish that it's apparent you made the right decision. The way to handle his immature and controlling behavior is to forgive him for it, and go on with your lives.
CONFIDENTIAL TO EDWARD PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy Birthday, baby brother! I hope you're enjoying your special day.
"There may something to be said for May - December marriages.."
Well, 18 and 30, or 21 and 35 (in my case) is hardly May-December. May-July, perhaps.
That is so not true. If it were then there would be NO married female physicians or other professionals and they abound. Maureen Dowd thinks because she is smart (I don't even think she's that intelligent), that's the reason why when it's really because she's a smarmy, snipey little %$#@. But she'll never get it.... that's cuz she's so smart.
What makes you think I don't try? Like I said, sometimes things just happen differently for different folks, and measuring everyone by the same yard stick just isn't right.
Could well be that some of us just haven't met the person we're meant for yet, though I realize believing in such things makes me a kook in a lot of folks' eyes. ;-)
Exactly Pete. It's not the brains that are the problem - it's their crappy attitudes and, here's another thing. I work in an office with several divorcees. They all complain they can't meet anyone. Meanwhile, a couple of them are what I'd call very high maintenance. Now if I were a guy out there, I'd be avoiding them. They all want to meet rich guys... helloooo??? The rich guys can afford to meet never-married, young and beautiful (and smart if they want) women. Why would they settle for these ladies? They make it so obvious too. What can I say? Some guys like simple girls!
I'm sorry, but I really believe in my faith. I'd rather remain single for life than turn my back on it. Considering I would be unwilling for my kids to be raised as anything BUT Catholic, that pretty much means, I'd have to marry a Catholic.
So again, it's not that simple. ;-)
What sort of man wants to finish parenting his wife? They are supposed to be equal partners. Not equal meaning exactly the same, but equal meaning well-matched. I wouldn't marry someone whose intelligence, ethics, and readiness for marriage I didn't respect, why would a grown man want a little girl?
I saw your post upthread about having recently lost your wife - I'm so sorry. This is not going to be an easy holiday for you, I imagine! You're in my prayers...
I don't fit into either of those boxes, so in your world, maybe I don't exist. :~D I'd just to remind you that no matter what you see women as... the only thing that really matters in the long run for the women in your own life is what ~she~ sees herself as. Roles are not something that is imposed, they are chosen, and they have to be good for both parties to keep working. That's the reality today. There just is no longer one role. We have, instead, a rather complex world where we have Laura Bush and Condi Rice. We have my good friend who would take no other life than to raise her kids, and myself who does not want that but has a life ahead with my husband that we hope to enjoy. It's more complex now, because while women's options have changed, men's haven't so much... unless they want to count as a benefit that they have more types of women to choose from. Obviously, many don't think that's a benefit. But if guys think they can decide the future of women for them, they're shouting behind the horse after the horse has got out of the gate, I'm afraid.
...Or who is willing to become Catholic ;~D Keep your options open, maybe his family just got lost and wound up at the wrong church.
Depends on the woman.
My mother was an executive at 2 different companies and set several records of achievement so not every woman is unqualified.
That said, my mother also hated "feminists" (or as she described them "man hating jealous insecure incompetants").
Most likely, these women are just snobs who feel the need to let every man they know, is beneath them, and wonder why men don't like being treated like crap.
Oh, I know. I'm not ruling that out...just ruling out leaving the Church myself...
It makes less of a difference later, like if the woman's 30 and the guy is 50.
So does 45 get me 25? Seriously. I'm trying to figure out the age range I should be looking for when I'm ready to look. I figure the top end would have to be around 35 to keep with the safe child bearing years if we decide to have more than 2 but I don't know the bottom end
Jen, take it from a man who married at 28 and has been happily married for 17 years -- marriage is all about both people "finishing parenting" each other. That's part of what it's for -- it forces both parties to truly mature in a way that you can't appreciate until you're there, and realize that you've yoked yourself to someone who is simultaneously lovable, yet utterly frustrating, and -- worst of all -- different from you. And if you think that's bad, becoming a parent yourself speeds up that maturation process 10x.
I highly recommend it. But if you're only looking to marry someone who's perfectly mature, and only when you yourself are perfectly mature -- you'll wait forever.
That could be, but it's not the impression I got.
I bring this up only because the important thing is not that the role of husband and wife is the same for everyone, but rather that the man and woman both want the same kind of life, if they can get it, and each other, regardless.
Agreed entirely
I've gotten better about it...but once in a great while, I fall.
And some of 'em actually aren't bad. Don't wanna do the generalization thing, ya know...
Or maybe God was saving you for someone special later?
I know that God will bring the perfect woman for me into my life at the right time. I trust He will bring the perfect man into your life at the right time also.
God is never late. But unfortunately He always does things on His schedule and not on ours so it always looks like He's at the last minute. It can be nerve wracking at times.
I know.
You're stronger than I am.
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