SMART SINGLE WOMEN DESPAIR OF EVER FINDING TRUE LOVE (Dear Abby, reference to Maureen Dowd)

www.uexpress.com ^ | December 22, 2005 | Abigail Van Buren

[Sonny M]

DEAR ABBY: Several of my friends and I were bemoaning our status as single women in our late 20s/early 30s, and discussing an article we had read in The New York Times about how smart women are less likely to get married. We'd all like to find Mr. Wonderful and be married. But if we have to curtail our professional success, financial wherewithal and IQ to do it, how can a person even begin to do such a thing?

I have a feeling you'll say to be ourselves and it will all work out, but thus far it has NOT worked out, and we're starting to worry. Personally, I think we'd be better off to take jobs as "administrators" in a large company somewhere and hope for the best.

Help, Abby! What's the answer for smart, fun women who have their acts together? How can we best poise ourselves to find true love while being true to ourselves? -- LOSING FAITH IN FINDING MR. RIGHT

DEAR LOSING FAITH: The truth is, there are no guarantees that ANYONE (male or female) will land a mate. It isn't easy these days because people are commitment-phobic. And this applies to individuals at all economic and educational levels, not just you at the top. Pairing off is often a matter of luck and timing -- being in the right place at the right time.

Eligible members of both sexes can be found in places of common interest -- places that are intellectually rewarding, culturally stimulating, athletically challenging or financially advantageous. As to whether you should downgrade your job level in order to appear less "threatening," I guarantee that if you don't take financial care of yourselves while you can, you will regret it later. To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, you could fool some of the bachelors some of the time, but you couldn't fool all of them all of the time.

There are worse things than not finding Prince Charming, and one of them is spending your life pretending to be something you're not. So my advice is to stop reading defeatist newspaper and magazine articles. They'll only make you desperate, clingy and depressed -- and none of those traits is attractive to either sex.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently had a baby. We chose a mature, Christian couple to be our child's godparents. However, my brother-in-law is infuriated over the fact that he's not the godparent. He has disowned my husband and wants nothing to do with us. Behavior such as this in the past is part of the reason he wasn't chosen. However, I need to know this: Did we have an obligation to choose him as a godparent? How should we handle his immaturity and controlling behavior? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN OHIO

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: A godparent can either be a relative or a close friend, and you were not obligated to choose one over the other. Your brother-in-law may be hurt that he wasn't chosen, but his subsequent behavior has been so childish that it's apparent you made the right decision. The way to handle his immature and controlling behavior is to forgive him for it, and go on with your lives.

CONFIDENTIAL TO EDWARD PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy Birthday, baby brother! I hope you're enjoying your special day.

[Always Right]

So my advice is to stop reading defeatist newspaper and magazine articles.

That pretty much eliminates 90% of the stuff.

[beandog]

I guess it could be worse, my 26 year old son dated two women who didn't even know who Dick Cheney was.

[GermanBusiness]

This sounds like some sort of joke: A leftist female traitor actually *CARING* about what men think of her??

It would be too good to be true if Ms. Dowd is having problems with men. Please, ANYONE, get me a ticket from Frankfurt to New York and put me on television with Ms. Dowd and I will eloquently humiliate her on national television by pointing out the obvious:

1) Two out of 3 American males are FOR Operation Iraqi Freedom and killing terrorists by the truckload. ANY woman who does not comprehend that respect for this position is NON-NEGOTIABLE in dating...deserves to be single the rest of her life.

I wrote an ex-girlfriend in Manhattan two years ago telling her that, if she was sad that I hadn't married her, it was a guarantee that there would have been marital problems if she was still the liberal she was when we knew each other pre-911. I got no response. This from someone I was with for 3 years. Sad....what Manhattan liberal women need to understand is that, aside from the fact that being liberal means at least siding with those with the lowest IQs (the poor and uneducated), just having a spiteful and disrespectful attitude towards the 66% of conservative single men in our country is enough for rejection.

I could tell stories of how gorgeous urban white women have flirted with me and tried to use an assumed mutual hatred of George Bush and his voters...as part of the courtship ritual of "being on the same wavelength." I will lure them in...and then launch into an extremely eloquent discussion of 6000 years of liberal failures. They get visibly shaken from this because they've already accepted that I am way up at their level or beyond in IQ and education...and then they get the tree branch sawed out from under themselves.

Here in Germany, one would think that I should adopt a "beggars can't be chosers" attitude about dating. You would think that I would have to accept a liberal as a dating partner.

But get this: The younger European women, 18-25, who never knew Clinton, are more conservative vis-a-vis the WOT and Bush than the older women who were brainwashed by Clinton. Women in their thirties are most likely to be hopeless liberals. I have no problem dating the younger women, but no luck in the 25-40 range.

Also, the older a woman gets, often the more set in her politics she gets. Not good. Even if she is conservative. A man doesn't want someone with a closed mind.

So I just end up dating women in their early twenties who seem to want to learn and grow and read and listen.

I would LOVE to be on national TV opposite Maureen Dowd talking about why liberal women are doomed in the mating game and how we conservative males will just choose from a new, less spiteful, less feminist generation if we have to. No problem.

[wizardoz]

Dowd is under a mistaken impression of her own intelligence

People often mistake "articulate" for "intelligent."

[najida]

Seriously though....
I've known people of both genders who look at their lives and say
Good job-- check.
Circle of friends-- check.
Nice home-- check.
Dog & cat-- check.
New car-- check.

Now let me see what's missing?

OH! A spouse.
Need to go look for one of those now.

And it's a very shallow, superficial search. A few pleasant dates, a 'well, we get alone OK'....
Or even weirder "I'm alone and they are too....makes sense we should marry".

A year after the 'marriage' I've seen people react with horror about "WHO IS THIS PERSON! Where did they come from and what are they doing in my house!"

Nothing sadder than being married to someone who doesn't know 'you' and you don't know them any better.

Better to be single and happy than desperately married and miserable.

[jammer]

one of them is spending your life pretending to be something you're not.

Well, you DON'T have to pretend to be less than intelligent; less than rich; less than successful. You DO have to pretend to be other than a man-hating bitch with a rattlesnake outlook on everyone who approaches you (that is unless you're looking for an Phil Donohue-Alan Alda type metrosexual instead of a man).

[DogBarkTree]

"But if we have to curtail our professional success, financial wherewithal and IQ to do it, how can a person even begin to do such a thing?"
I think she should buy a dog instead. At least that way she can at least get her leg humped.

[Ohioan from Florida]

I know someone who fits that description to a T, except that he has brown hair and brown eyes! (Just kidding)

[netmilsmom]

>>But it seems these women are looking for something out of a Harlequin romance novel rather than reality. <<

And if one wants her daughter to find a good mate, keep them away from romance novels.
I'm not kidding. Many girls I knew that were addicted to these are alone or have been through a string of marriages.

They are bad news.

[r9etb]

Actually, the reason why "single smart women despair of ever finding true love" is because the only "single smart women" that matter to these writers happen to be "single smart women" who coincidentally happen to a) have trouble with relationships, and b) are writers of articles about their own woes.

Basically, their position is that if it happens to them, it must be happening to everybody.

[PigRigger]

"If these "smart" women truly were smart, then they would realize that they are the sole common denominator of all of their experiences. The problem likely lies with their attitudes...."

Very true for both single men and women in their late 20's and beyond. While they were searching for the perfect "Sex In The City" partner....many were willing to find someone who was sincere, giving, and selfless.

Unfortunately, it may be to late for many of these wayward souls. By the time they understand what is really important in a life, as well as a partner to share it with, it may be to late.

Some of my male friends, who are in their early 40's, are starting to regret their decisions....now they know what I meant when I said I am happily married, love my kids, and have no desire to hang out at strip clubs.....Obvious now who had their priorities in order.

Than again, to them, I'm just a boring, Christian conservative.....How little do they understand what a compliment that really is....

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone....

[Antoninus]

"Smart" is a relative term. One can be very clever, intellectually brilliant, and yet dumb as a post when it comes to what really matters in life.

[Sonny M]

Democrats complaining that the reason they can't get elected is because they're too smart for the voters.

That is the best post on this thread.

Its also annoyingly true.

[Graymatter]

I'd be very happy with a witty carpenter!

Anything I said in post 72 does not apply to carpenters. I would cheerfully give up most anything for a carpenter. ;)

[LaineyDee]

If you're more focused on what you want and not what your prospective mate wants the relationship is probably not going to work out anyway.

Exactly. I hear complaints from many younger men that ladies 35yrs and under....are way too into themselves......leaving little room for anything else. Relationships have to be nurtured and require sacrifice. It's fast becoming a lost art.

[angkor]

curtail our professional success, financial wherewithal and IQ to do it, how can a person even begin to do such a thing?...smart, fun women who have their acts together?

None of the foregoing personal traits are the components of a successful or happy marriage. Nice to have - no doubt about it - but marriage requires a different category of attributes, most of them dealing with another person and not merely the self.

[Wombat101]

Here's a list of things "smart, single women" can do to start attracting men:

1. Stop acting like men with breasts.
2. Learn to act like ladies.
3. Shut up about yourselves long enough to take a deep breath.
4. Stop watching Oprah; she is not a goddess, merely a large black woman who regurgitates what you already think you know.
5. Stop watching Lifetime TV; not every man is an abuser, closet bigamist, sexual offender, oppressor or drug/gambling/sex addict. Only the ones playing opposite Jaclyn Smith are.
6. Vote republican and make yourself absolutely sexy!
7. Stop launching every conversation with "You know, my girlfriend said..."
8. Stop reading magazine articles written by other women about "What men REALLY want".
9. Shopping is not a sport. It is a necessary evil. Treat it that way.
10. Obey the rules: you may only harrangue us during commercial breaks, time outs and post game shows.
11. Yes, I know what a trivet is; I'm just not interested in the sordid tales of your trials and tribulations in acquiring them "on sale".
12. If I have to accompany you to the opera or ballet, you have to accompany me to a hockey game.
13. "Compromise" works both ways.
14. Yes, we do harbor fantasies about your girlfriends and sisters, and no, you really DON'T want to hear about them.
15. Stop using the word "relationship" in it's current form; it is a psychobable construct.
16. Your husband returning home each night counts as an "I love you". Actual saying of the words counts double.
17. You did not "give up" anything to be with us, you made a choice.
18. We'll be much more concillatory when the courts have been fairly restructured so that divorce for us doesn't mean "I get to systematically strip you of your property, income and children because you had temporary use of my vagina".
19. Keep your distance during your "cycle". A man trapped in a house with a menstruating female is like waving a bloody steak in front of a caged tiger. Take some Midol.
20. Stop complaining "there are no good men" when you cat around like a libertine and they take advantage of the low hanging fruit.
21. It's a toilet seat. It has a hinge. You are perfectly capable of operating it without drama.
22. PMS is NOT a defense for murder any more than "the b*tch wouldn't shut up" is.
23. A woman with a filthy mouth is only sexy in the dark behind closed doors.
24. A broken fingernail does not warrant a state funeral and a day of mourning.
25. If it involves power tools, big-block engines, hard science, application of muscle power, application of logic, application of mechanical or electrical aptitude, or urinating standing up, you cannot do it. Accept these limitations.
26. You are not fat. You are self-conscious and conceited. Unless you actually are grossly obese, of course.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to escape to Buenos Aires before my wife sees this....

[Night Hides Not]

Dear Losing Faith: try dropping your self love and ego a little and maybe you will get lucky. Your letter was a lot of "me me me me".

Good advice. I'd also recommend that LF attend church regularly. One of the things that attracted me to my wife was her spirituality (in addition to her big, beautiful brown eyes).

One of the best ways to minimize that self-love and ego is to attend church, and hear the gospels.

Now, if I were suddenly single, I'd pay a great deal of attention to the women who post on FreeRepublic (like Xenalyte, among others). What a combination of attributes these women have: brains, beauty, and spirtuality tied together with a red, white, and blue bow!

For the record, my wife alerted me to FreeRepublic. Thanks, honey!

[GSlob]

"This "intelligent quotient" is apparently a popular phrase among liberals whose arrogance is beyond nauseating. "
Hmm... I wouldn't be calling the authors of "the Bell Curve", or their adherents, liberal [Charles Murray is a libertarian, IIRC]. Thus I would consider the popularity of "IQ" usage to be a fellatious indicator of liberal attitudes.

[applpie]

hmm. maybe if these successful women would quit sleeping with these guys after only a few dates, they might be able to put a stop to the revolving door syndrome of which many single women complain. old adage is very true.....why buy the bovine when you can get free milk anytime you want it?

actually james dobson had good advice for singles....have an active life and do the things you love to do (which if women hope to meet guys ought to include some sports activities) and you will meet someone who already shares common interests.