Here's a list of things "smart, single women" can do to start attracting men:
1. Stop acting like men with breasts.
2. Learn to act like ladies.
3. Shut up about yourselves long enough to take a deep breath.
4. Stop watching Oprah; she is not a goddess, merely a large black woman who regurgitates what you already think you know.
5. Stop watching Lifetime TV; not every man is an abuser, closet bigamist, sexual offender, oppressor or drug/gambling/sex addict. Only the ones playing opposite Jaclyn Smith are.
6. Vote republican and make yourself absolutely sexy!
7. Stop launching every conversation with "You know, my girlfriend said..."
8. Stop reading magazine articles written by other women about "What men REALLY want".
9. Shopping is not a sport. It is a necessary evil. Treat it that way.
10. Obey the rules: you may only harrangue us during commercial breaks, time outs and post game shows.
11. Yes, I know what a trivet is; I'm just not interested in the sordid tales of your trials and tribulations in acquiring them "on sale".
12. If I have to accompany you to the opera or ballet, you have to accompany me to a hockey game.
13. "Compromise" works both ways.
14. Yes, we do harbor fantasies about your girlfriends and sisters, and no, you really DON'T want to hear about them.
15. Stop using the word "relationship" in it's current form; it is a psychobable construct.
16. Your husband returning home each night counts as an "I love you". Actual saying of the words counts double.
17. You did not "give up" anything to be with us, you made a choice.
18. We'll be much more concillatory when the courts have been fairly restructured so that divorce for us doesn't mean "I get to systematically strip you of your property, income and children because you had temporary use of my vagina".
19. Keep your distance during your "cycle". A man trapped in a house with a menstruating female is like waving a bloody steak in front of a caged tiger. Take some Midol.
20. Stop complaining "there are no good men" when you cat around like a libertine and they take advantage of the low hanging fruit.
21. It's a toilet seat. It has a hinge. You are perfectly capable of operating it without drama.
22. PMS is NOT a defense for murder any more than "the b*tch wouldn't shut up" is.
23. A woman with a filthy mouth is only sexy in the dark behind closed doors.
24. A broken fingernail does not warrant a state funeral and a day of mourning.
25. If it involves power tools, big-block engines, hard science, application of muscle power, application of logic, application of mechanical or electrical aptitude, or urinating standing up, you cannot do it. Accept these limitations.
26. You are not fat. You are self-conscious and conceited. Unless you actually are grossly obese, of course.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to escape to Buenos Aires before my wife sees this....
Priceless!
I finally decided to go back and respond to this post. It sounds more like a pent-up rant against your own wife than advice that applies to any women I know. I don't know anyone who watches Oprah, and I've got my own power tools, and I know how to use them. :~D