Posted on 11/25/2005 10:42:22 AM PST by Congressman Billybob
My wife, Kemberly, has left. That’s ordinary enough. It happens a few million times a year, assuming that half of all American divorces are the wife’s idea. But this is about the why, not the what, of that decision.
The why is unique, and extraordinary. If I were she, and she were I, I would do the same thing. (Work on it. That sentence is grammatically correct.)
My wife has been offered the job of Head Chef of a new restaurant out of town, to be built and run to her specifications. To that you say, well, some commuter marriages work. Not this time. The restaurant is a few miles outside Pago Pago in American Samoa. And that is 8,000 miles from my home in the Blue Ridge Mountains.
Our situation raises an interesting philosophical question. Would you, should you, leave your husband/wife if the chance of a lifetime – the chance of several lifetimes – came along?
Here’s our story. The Internet recounted its beginning, so it’s appropriate it should recount its end. We began with serendipity, a Newsweek recommendation of my column that brought me together with a lady from Indiana who read it. We end with serendipity, also.
Anyone with skills as a chef, and manager, and caterer, would jump at the opportunity to run a brand-new, four-star restaurant, if such an opening came to his/her attention. A fair number of you are closet chefs. You watch the Food Network. You think maybe you could chuck your humdrum day job and build a satisfying future with a special food product, or a brand-new restaurant. You know who you are. I saw you smile.
But opportunities like that aren’t advertised in the paper. Like much else which appears in the newspapers, things aren’t what they claim. You can rest assured that a help wanted ad that says it offers the “Opportunity of a Lifetime,” doesn’t.
Here’s the story behind this story. Back in June, Kem made a business trip to American Samoa. The population is about 67,000, but of those the ones who come from mainland US or other nations are a smaller group and everyone knows everybody. When anyone new shows up, the residents get to know him/her promptly. It’s the equivalent of waiting for the stage in the American West a century ago.
Anyway, it turns out that a group of businessmen were interested in creating a new, four-star restaurant near Pago Pago. They knew what they wanted, but not who would do it. Enter a talented woman from North Carolina. Everybody invites each other in that group home for dinner. (There ain’t a lot of nighttime entertainment in Samoa.)
So, the folks on the island found out that Kem is a fine cook. They also found out that she knows her way around commercial equipment and management for kitchens, and multiple styles of cooking from many nations. To make a long story short, she had an opportunity to become Head Chef, and partner, with full creative control.
She looked at three possible locations for the restaurant, two for new construction and one a mansion with wrap-around porches overlooking the Pacific. Think of the architecture and environment described in Somerset Maugham’s famous short story, “Rain.” He was living on Samoa when he wrote that.
Kem has not described to me how long it took her to consider this offer that came out of the blue. Maybe she didn’t want to hurt my feelings worse by telling me that her delay was measured in nanoseconds rather than days or weeks. In any event, she returned to North Carolina, and immediately told me the good news (or bad news, depending on your viewpoint).
I understood right away how incredible this opportunity was for her, and why she wanted to accept it. So, instead of getting hysterical, I’ve worked with her on such details as getting a long-term, no-cut contract, and possible copyright issues with the name of the restaurant. So there you have it; probably the most extraordinary reason for the end of a marriage that you’ve ever heard.
Will I miss Kem? You bet. Do I wish her well? Absolutely. Since many readers of my columns are friends of both of us, drop her a line care of my address and I’ll get it to her. And if you’re in Pago Pago in about 14 months, look her up at the club, have “a Thanksgiving dinner that can’t be beat,” and say hello.
About the Author: John Armor is a First Amendment attorney and author who lives in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina. John_Armor@aya.yale.edu
(being 19 years your junior I think I had better retreat from the needlessly insulting tone of my earlier replies and offer my apologies to you on same), I still am puzzled as to why you would post details of your personal life in public. This kind of thing makes me cringe when I see it.
Maybe when I reach your age (God-willing), I will have mellowed out some. Then again, given my make-up, I somehow doubt it.
For the record, I was not accusing you of not following the standards of old-fashioned propriety - just expressing puzzlement as to why you would (in my view) deviate from them here.
As far as my thoughts in similar circumstances (which I have been in, trust me), they would be more akin to a patriot's reaction to an act of treason against our country. I will never understand how some people can react so seemingly cavalierly to something that, had it been done to one's country instead of one's spouse would be a hanging offense.....
just my 2 cents worth....
May your faith sustain you at this difficult time...
You're obviously not a professional writer. ;-)
I speak to her with my comment. To you my condolences.
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Malachi 2:16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel,
I was speaking more to his calmness in a most unfortunate situation. I'd be at my wits end.
Having free time and flexibility is one of the fights we are having at my place of work right now. There is an amazing irony in that considering where I work. It's supposed to be a place that is meant to serve the common good, and does to an extent, but the people in charge have no life outside the office and seem to think that no one else should. Almost all of us have been looking elsewhere for some time.
My dad was one who worked massive amounts of overtime which made him sick and forced him into an early retirement. There are worse things, but there are reasons all of us are not happy about all that happened.
I have my doubts that networking works better than word of mouth. Smart move there. If you can have someone to vouch for you, it's better than meeting them in a bar.
One thing I have learned about music, is that after quiting twice, it is the one thing I cannot live without, at least in some capacity. That's what I mean by passion. The job is interefering with that. They want overtime and I have rehearsals scheduled. I'd rather take a couple weeks and go sing in a music festival in Vienna than sit in meetings.
Oh, well. I'd make the passion my career - and have been trying to figure out how to do that recently - I just have to save up enough to go for it.
What kind of "love" turns "til death do us part" into "until we find a better business opportunity"?
If you really love someone, you ought to help them to be and to do their best, not enable them to shirk their commitments.
What Bible did you get that from? It surely wasn't the KJV. I looked up Malachi 2:16 and it says:
For the Lord, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the Lord of hosts: therefore, take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.
You do realize that it is blasphemous to misquote HIS word? Also, the old testiment is the law that existed before the death of Christ gave us salvation from our sins.
Sad. I think 'divorce" is the most terrible word in the English language. You and Kem just try to stay friends.
In my view, there are two kinds of marriage – the couples which God brings together and those who make a mortal agreement. God was bringing people together long before there were laws, organized religion, etc. And when God brings two people together they are one before Him, thus Christ’s warning in Matt 19:6 - ”Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. “ Only God and the husband and wife know whether they are one before Him.
Also, in my view, there are three kinds of love which can apply in a marriage: eros, philia and agape. Eros (though usually taken to mean physical or sexual) is a desire or passion for something or someone. As love goes, it is on the shallow end of the pond because it is self-serving. Philia is an appreciation or fondness for another and is often associated with “brotherly love” because it genuinely cares about the other person (compassion, sympathy, empathy). And then there’s agape, the perfect love or unconditional love which does not self-serve or attach strings but rather says “there is nothing you can say or do which will make me stop loving you”.
In sum, my view is this: if both parties are married by God they cannot be spiritually separated; one cannot even say that he wants a cheeseburger because he does or because his wife does and vice versa. If such husband and wife are physically separated against God’s will, God will be displeased. But we cannot judge the nature of a marriage – only God and the parties know this.
But in any case – from a Spiritual point-of-view, the important thing is how a person loves both God and others (Matt 22:40). For anyone to attain agape love in any circumstance gives me great joy! And that is what I see in Congressman BillyBob’s letting her go.
Excellent post, Alamo-Girl.
There is no way in hell I'd ever leave him for any reason. But Kem isn't me.
Stay strong, and I hope and pray everything works out for the two of you. God Bless...sw
I know God didn't change between the old and new testiment...the other poster misquoted the verse...at least acknowledge that too.
God hates sin...not the sinner. There is nothing you could ever do that would cause God to hate you!
My thanks to you for staying here, in the U.S. In this day and age, America needs its solid, pro-constitution lawyers, very much. Thank you, Congressman Billybob.
Remaining friends may not seem like a lot at the moment, but it is a great achievement! I continue to pray for you and for Kem - God's blessings, peace and guidance.
Thank you so much, dear Alia!
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