Posted on 04/24/2005 6:35:03 PM PDT by TheWriterTX
The last emotion I expected to feel was fear. Yet, there it was, a niggling sensation cinching the pit of my stomach, so dramatically different from my other pregnancies.
I have a good reason to be afraid.
During the several long, and often painful, years that my husband and I attempted to conceive a child, I became accustomed to hiding my grief. When pregnancy tests came back negative, I would slap on a brave face for the world and muffle my sobs into towels behind a locked bathroom door. I can still recall, with bitter clarity, the conflicting tests results pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant only to learn that my hostile womb did not accept a fertilized egg. That gentle glow of life had flickered out, allowing me to catch just the briefest glance of its dimming light.
I didn't understand it. My husband and I shared a loving, committed, and stable relationship. We were financially secure and owned a comfortable home. We tried, in all ways, to live by the golden rules. We had so much love in our hearts; a baby would only enhance our joy. We were prepared to make all the sacrifices, to put our children first, to protect, to nurture, to cherish. With each passing month, I grew more despondent, felt more worthless, and saw myself as less than whole.
I placed the matter into God's hands, knowing that He alone created life. Please, Lord, I prayed, show me the way You want me to go. Adopt? Wait? Be a mother to another? I prayed to accept His decision with grace, with a glad heart.
To our supreme delight, He blessed us with a beautiful boy, born just 40 weeks later.
Before the year was out, I was pregnant again. This time, I was carrying a girl. At 32 weeks, I hemorrhaged. I can still remember my husband's strength on that day, his firm assurances despite the blanching of his face, and how his hands seemed to effortlessly guide me from a dark and horrifying place.
Twelve days later, our beloved girl was home. The days of tubes and needles and beeping machines were over. The days of staggering medical bills had begun. But all of it was worth it, worth it a hundred times over, for the delight of my daughter's voice, the gentle lilt of her laughter, the wonderful smell of her soft skin.
In the two and a half years that have passed, many things have changed. My babies are riding bikes without training wheels, coloring and drawing, saying grace at mealtimes, and playing with friends. We're still struggling to pay off the debt, my endometriosis returned, and my pap-smears have come back with pre-cancer cells. After surgery and a menstrual cycle as frequent and erratic as buck shot fired into a calendar, we believed our days of little feet were over.
But God had other things in mind.
This I know: I am at a very high risk to lose my baby. I am a cancer risk. I am nearing 40, and there is every likelihood my baby will be perilously premature. My heart rate plummeted dangerously during my daughter's c-section and the recovery was terribly slow. By the grace of God, alone, we both pulled through.
I'm afraid that this little one will never know my arms, afraid that he or she won't survive to feel my touch, afraid that I won't survive to touch them.
This I also know: On the day I married, I vowed to accept children lovingly from God. A little soul is already nestled inside me, attached to me forever. God gave me this baby for a reason, and fear will not prevent me from doing everything I can, everything I must, to see it born.
Even if it means my life.
Linda Prussen-Razzano is frequent contributor to Enter Stage Right and a number of other online magazines.
prayer bump
Prayers sent from TX.
Praying with you, lady. Put those feet up. This could be - and hopefully is - nothing. Just a little blip and God telling you to take it easy. Not that that's an easy thing to do. I had bed rest with 3 of my 4 due to high blood pressure. I know it's not easy, despite what people think. HUGS!!!!
Pinging you Mountain Mama!
Prayers continue....
Prayers for you and your baby.
I just heard about you and your little one from Brad's Gramma---
I will start my prayers for you and the little one right now--I know it is a scary time for you, and I wish there was more I could do, but I will send up prayers and positive thoughts....
From one Texan to another---God Bless you and yours,
sleuth
Prayers being send for you and the baby!
We have lost a little one before he was born. Praying fervently for you.
BTTT!!!!!!
Prayers going up for you, your beloved unborn and all of your family TheWriterTX. May God bless all of you.
Prayer bump
Drink ALOT of Water
(I read that advice from quite a few poster on a prayer thread for another Mom to be)
Let GO Let GOD.
I am a uterine Cancer survivor and since my quadroplegic son is dependant on my being around due to his severe medical needs the doctor put me through the drug therapy but also did a hysterectomy to make sure.
He did this knowing my sons needs, but left in one ovary on my sons request.
Why? My son was thinking if a NON fertile egg could ever help him via stem cell he would have his donor, me.
I am so happy he stepped in as I did not relize it allows me to go through the change of life on natural terms not overnight.
May I suggest to you some Prayful thought after this pregnancy to nip the uterine cancer in the bud so that you are not in a health crisis when you are raising your children.
Prior to being introduced to the Dr. who did mine I bled heavy for 7 yrs I was wearing adult brief the last year it was so bad.
I had all therapies with another Dr. to no avail and met the guy who did this via a Dr. who also was a spec. needs father who treated me in the ER when I hemmoraged. The ER Dr. had met me years prior when I broke my back in a horse riding injury and remembered I refuse back then to remove my pants due to the heavy bleeding.
These guys got together and found a private nurse to come in and stay around the clock with my son while I had the surgery and post surgical.
The Doctor who did the surgery asked me prior to putting me under if I would Pray with him. It was a mess in there due to the scar tissue from my sons emerg. c-section 20 yrs prior when he was stillborn, and revived, hence the Cerebral Palsy Quadroplegia.
(if you want the whole story to his life it is on our bio)
Bottom line everything I do regarding my health is because I have some one literally dependant on me for his care and quality of life. I even changed my diet two years ago and drastically changed my health with medical proof.
Cholesteral dropped over 100pnts., sugar level normalize, bleeding ulcers healed ect.
I am living proof. Even though I live without a thyroid gland and overweight.
I am praying so hard for your little one and for you! I know you will listen to your doctor.
Lord, please be with this tiny little baby and keep her strong in her mommy's womb. Please keep her healthy and close her mommy's womb until she is strong enough to make it in our world. In Your Son's name, amen.
Thanks for the ping Star!
LOL I read the first line of your post "I had Mary at 41 and no sex...."
My mind got squirrely for a nano sec.
thinking The Virgin Mary! No she is 41? Oh Mary the baby and no sex during the pregnancy.....
LOL Ya got my attn and now I am fully awake fatima! : )
When I heard him speak, I stopped my orthodox HRT cold, and ran to the bathroom to slather myself with natural progesterone cream. He didn't advise that .. but suggested weaning off the HRT, but with my family history of cancer, I was spooked.
I know of someone whose husband was having a heart attack, and after she called 911, she rubbed that cream all over his upper body .. by the time the paramedics got there, he was stable. Natural progesterone cream has anti-spasmodic effects.
There have been stunning double blind studies on primates that certainly made a believer out of me: there was a group on synthetic estrogen and synthetic progestin (Premarin= pregnant mare's urine). Both groups were induced to heart attacks, with the scientists standing by to revive them. The group on synthetic hormones experienced spasms and clamping of their arteries .. which would not release during revival procedures, so they died. The group on natural progesterone cream could not be induced to cardiac arrest .. the progestone prevented the arterial seizing and clamping down.
Breast cancer tissue from surgeries was studied. The breast tissue treated with the standard synthetic estrogen and progestin blend continued to proliferat in cancer cell growth. The breast tissue treated with natural progesterone cream had no cell prolifieration or growth .. it was just stopped dead.
Here's the website: Dr. John Lee
His work is being carried on by Virginia Hopkins, a health researcher, and they publish a newsletter here:
Dr. John Lee Medical Newsletter
I would urge you to look into the subject of natural progesterone cream .. it is truly a wonder, and I personally think it's pretty miraculous.
Here's another article about Pregnancy and Progesterone
If you search for "pregnancy and progesterone," you'll find many links to information that may help you.
I send up prayers of health for the blessing you are carrying, and that Our Dear Lord will embrace and strengthen you to see you through this path He has chosen for you, as well as vitality and vibrancy for your precious child. God bless you!
Prayers sent for you and your baby.
My prayers are with you, and with your baby.
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