Posted on 04/24/2005 6:35:03 PM PDT by TheWriterTX
The last emotion I expected to feel was fear. Yet, there it was, a niggling sensation cinching the pit of my stomach, so dramatically different from my other pregnancies.
I have a good reason to be afraid.
During the several long, and often painful, years that my husband and I attempted to conceive a child, I became accustomed to hiding my grief. When pregnancy tests came back negative, I would slap on a brave face for the world and muffle my sobs into towels behind a locked bathroom door. I can still recall, with bitter clarity, the conflicting tests results – pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant – only to learn that my hostile womb did not accept a fertilized egg. That gentle glow of life had flickered out, allowing me to catch just the briefest glance of its dimming light.
I didn't understand it. My husband and I shared a loving, committed, and stable relationship. We were financially secure and owned a comfortable home. We tried, in all ways, to live by the golden rules. We had so much love in our hearts; a baby would only enhance our joy. We were prepared to make all the sacrifices, to put our children first, to protect, to nurture, to cherish. With each passing month, I grew more despondent, felt more worthless, and saw myself as less than whole.
I placed the matter into God's hands, knowing that He alone created life. Please, Lord, I prayed, show me the way You want me to go. Adopt? Wait? Be a mother to another? I prayed to accept His decision with grace, with a glad heart.
To our supreme delight, He blessed us with a beautiful boy, born just 40 weeks later.
Before the year was out, I was pregnant again. This time, I was carrying a girl. At 32 weeks, I hemorrhaged. I can still remember my husband's strength on that day, his firm assurances despite the blanching of his face, and how his hands seemed to effortlessly guide me from a dark and horrifying place.
Twelve days later, our beloved girl was home. The days of tubes and needles and beeping machines were over. The days of staggering medical bills had begun. But all of it was worth it, worth it a hundred times over, for the delight of my daughter's voice, the gentle lilt of her laughter, the wonderful smell of her soft skin.
In the two and a half years that have passed, many things have changed. My babies are riding bikes without training wheels, coloring and drawing, saying grace at mealtimes, and playing with friends. We're still struggling to pay off the debt, my endometriosis returned, and my pap-smears have come back with pre-cancer cells. After surgery and a menstrual cycle as frequent and erratic as buck shot fired into a calendar, we believed our days of little feet were over.
But God had other things in mind.
This I know: I am at a very high risk to lose my baby. I am a cancer risk. I am nearing 40, and there is every likelihood my baby will be perilously premature. My heart rate plummeted dangerously during my daughter's c-section and the recovery was terribly slow. By the grace of God, alone, we both pulled through.
I'm afraid that this little one will never know my arms, afraid that he or she won't survive to feel my touch, afraid that I won't survive to touch them.
This I also know: On the day I married, I vowed to accept children lovingly from God. A little soul is already nestled inside me, attached to me forever. God gave me this baby for a reason, and fear will not prevent me from doing everything I can, everything I must, to see it born.
Even if it means my life.
Linda Prussen-Razzano is frequent contributor to Enter Stage Right and a number of other online magazines.
I just discovered on Friday evening that our Heavenly Father has blessed us again. The issues that confronted us then are still in play, but we are ready to do what we can, what we must, to hopefully see this little one make it into the world alive.
Please keep our little one in your prayers.
My prayers are with you and this baby. I know that God has a plan and everything happens for a reason. I pray that He blesses your family, those born and as yet unborn. I pray that His hand is upon you and guiding the doctors and events with His grace and love. I pray that He protects this newest blessing, gives it life while protecting your life, and graces your loving family one more time with health and joy. In Jesus name I ask these things. Amen
For sure you will be in my prayers. May God bless you and your family.
Thanks to you both for keeping us in your prayers. After last year, we will definitely need them!
Prayers on the way!
After a vasectomy reversal, my husband's sperm count was still too low. Dare I hope? 18 years ago, we were poor and pregnancy tests weren't cheap. I went to our medical clinic. They botched the test and it came back negative. I thought I must be dying of something. My husband got paid on the last day on the month, so I bought a pregnancy test. First urine the next morning: POSITIVE! This was the FIRST day of the month--- the month of April. Don't announce a pregnancy on April Fool's Day. People just don't believe you.
My birthday was 2 weeks later. It was like God was saying, "You're not just 30, you're PREGNANT!" I think He told me that while I was hanging over the toilet...
I think about Sarah of the Bible and other women who didn't have the convenience of a pregnancy test. It could take months for them to know for sure. And when Sarah went through menopause, after missing a few periods, did she think "maybe now?" No, not yet. When she was old and Lord told her she would have a son, no wonder she laughed in disbelief.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Thank you so much for the prayers. If you know any prayer warriors, please ask them to say a few words for our little one. This is my fifth pregnancy, so I'm really hoping this baby makes it.
I was hoping that you could keep our little one in your prayers, please?
Many, many thanks.
Hey everyone...we have another baby and Mommy who need our prayers...
I'd apologize for overusing this ping list, but it looks like God's called us to pray.
The Writer....hang on. REST. Know that He's ALWAYS in control...and PLEASE PLEASE keep us posted!!! God bless you, my friend.
More prayer needed here, too.
Praying
Prayers for both of you, and for your husband and your other 2 wonderful children
Texas hug back at ya!
Thanks for the ping B'sG. TheWriterTX you, your family, and your expected one are all in my prayers. May God bless you with a beautiful delivery of a healthy whole miracle.
Let me ping a few of my favorite prayer warriors...
Please post your replies to TheWriterTX
TheWriterTX, congratulations!! God is Great!! PTL for your precious expected baby!
I will keep your pregnancy in my prayers!
Blessings
trussell
If you want on/off my prayer ping list, please let me know. All requests happily honored!
Be good, be calm and stop reading this thread -get someone to screen it for you.
God bless you and your family.
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