Posted on 04/24/2005 6:35:03 PM PDT by TheWriterTX
The last emotion I expected to feel was fear. Yet, there it was, a niggling sensation cinching the pit of my stomach, so dramatically different from my other pregnancies.
I have a good reason to be afraid.
During the several long, and often painful, years that my husband and I attempted to conceive a child, I became accustomed to hiding my grief. When pregnancy tests came back negative, I would slap on a brave face for the world and muffle my sobs into towels behind a locked bathroom door. I can still recall, with bitter clarity, the conflicting tests results – pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant – only to learn that my hostile womb did not accept a fertilized egg. That gentle glow of life had flickered out, allowing me to catch just the briefest glance of its dimming light.
I didn't understand it. My husband and I shared a loving, committed, and stable relationship. We were financially secure and owned a comfortable home. We tried, in all ways, to live by the golden rules. We had so much love in our hearts; a baby would only enhance our joy. We were prepared to make all the sacrifices, to put our children first, to protect, to nurture, to cherish. With each passing month, I grew more despondent, felt more worthless, and saw myself as less than whole.
I placed the matter into God's hands, knowing that He alone created life. Please, Lord, I prayed, show me the way You want me to go. Adopt? Wait? Be a mother to another? I prayed to accept His decision with grace, with a glad heart.
To our supreme delight, He blessed us with a beautiful boy, born just 40 weeks later.
Before the year was out, I was pregnant again. This time, I was carrying a girl. At 32 weeks, I hemorrhaged. I can still remember my husband's strength on that day, his firm assurances despite the blanching of his face, and how his hands seemed to effortlessly guide me from a dark and horrifying place.
Twelve days later, our beloved girl was home. The days of tubes and needles and beeping machines were over. The days of staggering medical bills had begun. But all of it was worth it, worth it a hundred times over, for the delight of my daughter's voice, the gentle lilt of her laughter, the wonderful smell of her soft skin.
In the two and a half years that have passed, many things have changed. My babies are riding bikes without training wheels, coloring and drawing, saying grace at mealtimes, and playing with friends. We're still struggling to pay off the debt, my endometriosis returned, and my pap-smears have come back with pre-cancer cells. After surgery and a menstrual cycle as frequent and erratic as buck shot fired into a calendar, we believed our days of little feet were over.
But God had other things in mind.
This I know: I am at a very high risk to lose my baby. I am a cancer risk. I am nearing 40, and there is every likelihood my baby will be perilously premature. My heart rate plummeted dangerously during my daughter's c-section and the recovery was terribly slow. By the grace of God, alone, we both pulled through.
I'm afraid that this little one will never know my arms, afraid that he or she won't survive to feel my touch, afraid that I won't survive to touch them.
This I also know: On the day I married, I vowed to accept children lovingly from God. A little soul is already nestled inside me, attached to me forever. God gave me this baby for a reason, and fear will not prevent me from doing everything I can, everything I must, to see it born.
Even if it means my life.
Linda Prussen-Razzano is frequent contributor to Enter Stage Right and a number of other online magazines.
Although we have never met in person, I still feel as though I know you so well. You are such a good and loving person, I wanted you to know it has been a privilege to be in your acquaintance these last several years.
Thank you so much for your prayers!
Thank you so much, Wardaddy. I'll let everyone know how things go tomorrow. Going to lay down for a little while now, but may check back in later if I'm feeling stronger.
Please try to relax, you and the baby are before His Throne.
Please post your replies to TheWriterTX
TheWriterTX, My prayers go up for you and your family. God's healing hand over your pregnancy. Lord, please protect these babies. Surround their mothers with your angels. Provide this family with comfort and peace. Take away their fear. Surround them with your love. In Jesus' precious name. Amen
Blessings,
trussell
If you want on/off my prayer ping list, please let me know. All requests happily honored.
Prayers for all of you. May the Blessed Mother walk with you each and every day of your pregnancy.
Please notify me via FReepmail if you would like to be added to or taken off the Prayer Ping List.
Please post your prayers to TheWriterTX;
prayer bump
I had Mary at 41 years old and had no sex and complete bedrest for 6 months until she was born.She came out smiling and the doctor really had to hit her hard to make her cry.We will pray,fatima
You are in my prayers.
Praying for you and your wee one.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. God be with you and your baby.
Carolyn
Prayers on the way.
I am reminded that in the Hebrew Scriptures, whenever God wanted to give a very important blessing and rescue His people or do some other monumental task, His method was: some old lady got pregnant. Check it out, it's true! God loves geriatric pregnancy! :-)
We had our son Ben when I was 38, then a couple of heartbreaking mescarriages, then a long period of frustration and stress with the domestic (U.S.)adoption process (which didn't work out), then adopted dearly-beloved exotic-quality-import son Vanya from an orphanage in the Russian Far East.
There was a lot of suffering in those years, but God is watching over all. We have faith... and, God bless you, so do you.
We will pray for you bigtime, and for your dear husband and your little ones!
Prayers for your little one, and for you, as well. God Bless.
Prayers up for your baby, you, and your family.
Come Holy Spirit, Come to this family.
I'm pinging a couple of you because you asked for an update. Here is the good news and the bad.
I was hospitalized last night due to spotting and cramping. The doctors confirmed that I am roughly two months along, my little one HAS a heartbeat (PRAISE GOD!!) and I got a chance to see my baby on the monitor. Good head formation, little peanut body, arms, and legs, everything in the right place that we know of. Very strong, solid heart beat, according to the ER Doctor.
The bad news is that I am under "threat of miscarriage." I'm leaking fluid and spotting lightly; they don't know why. I'm doing my best to rest as I can and took today off work, too.
The President of my Board had a very difficult pregnancy and lost twins, so she fully supports any effort I need to take to see this baby brought to term.
My sincere and heart-felt thanks to everyone who has offered prayers. I am convinced that they have helped me hold onto my little one until this point.
Take it easy, my friend. Just relax as much as possible...LISTEN to your doctors...and pray your heart out.
I'm pinging the Logan ping list where we have some MIGHTY prayer warriors.
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