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Posted on 04/11/2005 7:30:08 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross
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Best pick up line ever:
"Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart."
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes,that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith. The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
A dog thinks: "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good
care of me... They must be Gods!"
A cat thinks: "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me,
provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good
care of me... I must be a God!"
LOL
As a woman was dropping her son off at daycare one day, she
overheard some of the children bragging about their siblings.
"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.
"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.
Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes
antibiotics!"
A seventy-five year old man shows up at his college reunion. On his arm is a voluptuous twenty-five year old blonde-- his new bride. Amazed, his friends take him aside and ask how he, at age seventy-five, could possibly have persuaded this gorgeous twenty-five year old to marry him. Looking panicky, the man gasps, "Keep your voices down-- she thinks I'm ninety!"
Funny, but old.
Husband: "It's so hot! What would the neighbors think if I mowed
the lawn without any clothes on?"
Wife: "That I married you for your money."
Guess I'm out of the loop... I never heard that one before. It was one of the handful I had to email to my husband for his laugh today!
A man and his blonde wife went to a "Dude Ranch" in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or
English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He explained to her that a Western saddle had a horn and an
English saddle didn't.
She said, "The one without the horn is fine. We are here for
some peace & quiet. Besides, I don't expect we'll run into too
much traffic."
Husband: "Where has all the grocery money gone?"
Wife: "Have you EVER turned sideways in the mirror?"
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a car on I-85.
When the car crossed the state line into Georgia, the first
Trooper pulled over.
A rookie trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, Sarge, why
did you stop? They taught us at the academy that we can follow a
car into another state if it's hot pursuit!"
The old sergeant just shook his head and replied, "We'd never
catch him. He's in the Eastern Time Zone now, so he's an hour
ahead of us."
A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill and one
drink of whiskey a day to improve his stamina.
A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the
doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"
Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills,
but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."
Hi Cedar!
That's a beautiful tribute!
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
LOL
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture - of handcuffs.
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