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Posted on 04/11/2005 7:30:08 PM PDT by Diva Betsy Ross
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A skeleton walks into a bar and sez.......
Gimme a beer and a mop....
A 78-YEAR-OLD JEWISH LADY SAYS TO HUSBAND SAM, "YOU KNOW VAT, I TINK I'LL GO TO THE DR. AND GET A CHECKUP."
HER HUSBAND SAYS, "TIS A GOOT IDEA, DAHLING."
SO SHE MAKES AN APPOINTMENT TO SEE DR. LEVINE, A GYNECOLOGIST, AND TELLS HIM ABOUT HER NOT HAVING A CHECKUP IN 25 YEARS.
DR. LEVINE TELLS HER TO GET UNDRESSED AND PUT ON A GOWN AND HE WILL CHECK OUT EVERYTHING.
"OK," SHE TELLS HIM.
THE DR. PUTS HIS HAND UNDER THE GOWN AND LIFTS HER RIGHT BREAST AND TELLS HER TO SAY, "99." SO SHE SAYS "99."
"I SEE NOTHING WRONG THERE," SAYS THE DOCTOR. HE THEN PUTS HIS HAND UNDER THE GOWN AND LIFTS HER LEFT BREAST AND REPEATS, "SAY "99" "SHE SAYS, "99,"
DR. LEVINE SAYS, "O.K. WITH THIS ONE, ALSO. WE MIGHT AS WELL CHECK YOUR OTHER VITALS, LAY DOWN ON THE TABLE +AND PUT YOUR FEET IN THE STIRRUPS."
THE DR. THEN PULLS ON THE RUBBER GLOVE, PUTS SOME K-Y JELLY ON THE GLOVE AND IS CHECKING HER PRIVATE PARTS FOR ANY SIGN OF DISORDER, ETC. HE TELLS HER TO SAY "99."
SHE SAYS "VUN, TWO, TREE..........................."
Good one. LOL! :] Welcome to the Canteen!
I'd like to sign up as a contestant in that Survivor show. My name is BykrBayb's Mother-in-law. ; )
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar...
The bartender says.."Now don't you start anything!"
;0)
LOL!!!!!
(blushing)
Ms.B
Thanks. I will. There are some real good ones coming down on this thread.
Mornin', everybody ! Happy Tuesday!
Have a cup while you Freep !
For those who prefer hot chocolate.....
That's a snorter.
Ouch - and I thought mine was bad.
I almost didn't post it, but MJ is such a disgusting ...
I can't find the right word that won't get edited out.
IMO, he deserves all the scorn and ridicule he gets.
Newly Weds
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne. a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock her bedroom door, and it's Morris.
Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old ready for more action."
And once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris set to leave again, his bride says to him: "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris"
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
I hung this one out on 3/17 but it's truly funny....
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
A little aviation humor. This is supposed to be a true story but it's funny just the same.
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: Stand by, Ground. I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn’t land.”
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Alabama. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an Iowa girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything. And the second day he didn't see anything. But by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!
The Devil leads Bill to a room, where Newt Gingrich is standing with a car battery, a set of jumper cables, a bucket of water, and a copy of the Contract with America. Bill says, "Thanks, but I'll pass.
The Devil leads Bill to the next room, where Hillary is waiting dressed in full dominatrix gear, with a wall full of flails, whips, chains, and barbs. Again, Bill says "No thanks. I couldn't imagine such torture."
The Devil takes Bill to a third room, where Ken Starr is chained spread eagle and naked to a wall, with Monica Lewinsky in front of him......doing what she does best.
Ol' Bill says, "You know, this doesn't look too bad. I think I can spend eternity here."
The Devil responds, "GREAT! Monica, you can go now."
Ahhhhh...You finally got the joke. What do you call a man with a brunette? A hostage. :) hehehe!
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