Single women choose motherhood by adopting Chinese girls

The traditional route -- romance, marriage, pregnancy -- would have been great, but she couldn't manage to grab hold of it.

She dated, "but I realized I wasn't really looking for a husband for me, I was looking for a father for my future children," she says. "I decided that wasn't a good reason to get married."

On June 4, 2000, after reams of paperwork and several months of waiting, she and her mother, Jean, collected her new baby girl from an orphanage in Changzhou, in the Jiangsu province of China. She named her Jensen.

Three and a half years later, Jensen joined her mom and grandma on another trek to China. They came home to Grand Rapids as a foursome, having adopted 2-year-old Taryn.

The Bigelows' story isn't unique. Many single women are trying to adopt a child or two nowadays. And China is first on their list.

"China is popular with single women because it's a little less expensive (than other foreign adoptions), and they get to travel there with a group of families," said Mary Zoet, China program manager for Adoption Associates, an adoption agency based in Georgetown Township.

They look outside of the U.S. because adopting a baby here as a single mother is almost impossible, Zoet said. Her agency allows birth mothers to select families for their child "and they just never pick single women," she said.

In China, a country with a one-child policy, girls often are abandoned. Sons are favored because they carry on the family name and are responsible for taking care of their parents in old age. Ninety-five percent of the children in orphanages are girls.

"Since last year, the increase in China sign-ups has been huge," both for single people and married couples, Zoet said.

Single women's attraction to China was so great that, starting in 2002, the China Center of Adoption Affairs put a cap on the number of babies the country would release to them. Only 8 percent of adoptions can go to single people. Married couples are welcome to apply immediately and could have a child within a year.

"China's idea of an ideal family situation for a child is two parents. With a single mom, that's not what a child is getting," Zoet said. "We may not agree, but we have to abide by it."

Because of the limits placed on single parents, a woman could wait as long as two years before she even can submit an application, said Linda Schripsema, program coordinator for China adoptions at Bethany Christian Services in Grand Rapids. Zoet has about 30 single women on a waiting list at Adoption Associates. Getting to the top could take a year. Then they'll spend another 11-plus months filling out forms and waiting for a picture of their baby to arrive in the mail. Because of the delays, some who picked China opt to pursue adoption through another country.

Guatemala, El Salvador and Russia also allow single parents to adopt, but Schripsema said none of the countries encourages it.

International adoption by a single man is even tougher. Some countries prohibit it. Neither Adoption Associates nor Bethany accepts international adoption applications from single men. Bethany accepts applications from single men -- and women -- for domestic adoptions of older children, however.

Waiting list or not, Barbra Trowe was not going to be deterred from raising a second baby from China. She was among the 25 single women who adopted through Bethany's Grand Rapids office over the last two years. She brought Ava home to Grand Rapids in October. Ava's 5-year-old sister, Maya, was adopted in 2000.

She was laid off from her marketing position at Alticor last year but was adamant about keeping the adoption on track. She's tuning up her resume again, now that she's adjusted to life as a single mom of two.

"Maya so needed a sister to love," she says. "It's a beautiful thing to watch them together."

Precocious Maya recently told her mom she hasn't been doing a very good job at finding a husband.

Maya, who's in kindergarten, felt the sting when one of her classmates told her she wasn't allowed to attend a father-daughter dance at school.

"I let her talk about it. I let her have her feelings. I try to keep it positive and tell her what we do have in our family," Bigelow says. "No child is raised in a perfect situation, but my girls are being raised very well, if I do say so myself."

"I really would love to be married. I would love for Ava and Maya to have a dad," Trowe said. "I tell my daughters if I were to get married, he would be the luckiest man on earth because he'd be their dad."

She isn't dating now but likely will join a dating service sometime soon. And when she does, she'll be looking for a husband as well as a father for her girls.

Re: Single women choose motherhood by adopting Chinese girls
To Artist | 02/24/2005 1:03:38 PM PST sent

I believe it is selfish for single people to adopt children, especially given her reasons for adopting. It is not my desire that any child would suffer and I was not suggesting that. I voiced my opinion, and for this you slam me and tell me I should change my posting name. I do speak from a position of authority, considering my background, which you know nothing about, a single person raised me along with other children and it is not the ideal. I have no problem with you disagreeing with my position, but your lack of respect is disgusting.

YES I GUESS THAT WAS ME SLAMMING YOU.....I CAN TELL YOU ARE AN ARTIST.

"I do speak from a position of authority, considering my background, which you know nothing about, a single person raised me along with other children and it is not the ideal."

First of all, nothing is ideal.

Secondly, you have no business calling a bunch of women you don't know and will never meet "VERY SELFISH." That's awful.

Honestly, if you actually think that you, yourself, would have been better off taking your chances in a third world orphanage instead of being raised by your single mom in the US, you're delusional. That seems to be what you're advocating for other kids since there aren't enough married couples to fill the need.

My hat's off to the single moms who love these kids, and I think it's absolutely horrible that folks like you insult and belittle them. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Some women who are really capable of being nurturing and good educators, who are self-sufficient and have a lot to offer children...can't actually have children. Physically or for certain personal, medical reasons, some of us simply can't produce babies, which, in and of itself does not constitute the whole job of MOTHERHOOD. Some of us who are not biological mothers may still have a lot to offer young females, and not all of us are struggling to make ends meat, though most of us work hard indeed at what we do, and carry a sense of pride in that regard -- a pride and sense of accomplishment many mothers cannot offer their female offspring...because they never had it and never found a way to cultivate it. Some of us, when we are ready and able, want to offer education, travel, nuturing to younger women....to the next generation being born, whether the world is ready to feed them or not, and some of us want to help out and share our love and abilities. I am one such woman, and am in my 30s and a professor of women's history, and am an author, as well. I don't see why my own interest, love and generosity shouldn't go to a young female child who is abandoned, for cultural or socio-economic reasons. It is NOT a matter of ruining my body,but of living a long life and sharing that with a child who needs that strength. Although I do feel it BEST for children to have both a male and female parent...I wonder about all those little girls from China, Hungary and other war-torn or impoverished nations who need A MOTHER, who can be there for them, physically, mentally, and emotionally...who can offer better than what she is likely to get without someone like ME, who spent my life trying to be a role model to young women. I'm sorry some very misogynistic, adolescent and bitter, cynical comments have been made here, by some men and women, who have no real understanding of the variety of women's lives and the variety of life-choices out there, and I am disappointed by the comments from those who suffered badly from struggling single parents, who could barely manage them, as children. But realize, too, that NOT ALL single women are in that same situation as women who chose marriage and children before becoming educated or self-suffient, and who now find themselves struggling and flailing at being single parents. That has indeed gone on for generations, and that is why there are women making different choices these days...albeit not without opposition or struggle, but with some confidence. Some very educated, loving, generous and capable females, who have the money and willingness to care for another human, to make them civilized and offer them educational and other opportunities SHOULD adopt female children who have, for centuries, been victims of poverty, rape, and rampant, ruthless female infanticide in such places as China and Vietnam. My own mother had the body to produce many children, and had both a husband and a very bad marriage, which tortured me enormously, though I recovered through education and other forms of guidance. I have now a very good life, free of strife and unhappiness and struggle. Why should I not share that? Why should I not share that strength and good feeling? You need to look at things differently, if you remain so cynical about the choices women make with their bodies, energy, life, love and time. We're not all looking for an excuse for giving our lives meaning, through mere biological reproduction; some are giving meaning to those who don't even get that meaning from mothers who bothered to give birth to them, but simply cannot do the rest.

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