Single women choose motherhood by adopting Chinese girls

Grand Rapids Press ^ | 2/22/05 | Beth Loechler

[qam1]

More than anything, Linda Bigelow wanted to be a mom.

The traditional route -- romance, marriage, pregnancy -- would have been great, but she couldn't manage to grab hold of it.

She dated, "but I realized I wasn't really looking for a husband for me, I was looking for a father for my future children," she says. "I decided that wasn't a good reason to get married."

So at the age of 31, she decided to do motherhood -- solo.

On June 4, 2000, after reams of paperwork and several months of waiting, she and her mother, Jean, collected her new baby girl from an orphanage in Changzhou, in the Jiangsu province of China. She named her Jensen.

Three and a half years later, Jensen joined her mom and grandma on another trek to China. They came home to Grand Rapids as a foursome, having adopted 2-year-old Taryn.

The Bigelows' story isn't unique. Many single women are trying to adopt a child or two nowadays. And China is first on their list.

"China is popular with single women because it's a little less expensive (than other foreign adoptions), and they get to travel there with a group of families," said Mary Zoet, China program manager for Adoption Associates, an adoption agency based in Georgetown Township.

Plus, women want baby girls, Zoet said, and China has lots of them.

They look outside of the U.S. because adopting a baby here as a single mother is almost impossible, Zoet said. Her agency allows birth mothers to select families for their child "and they just never pick single women," she said.

In China, a country with a one-child policy, girls often are abandoned. Sons are favored because they carry on the family name and are responsible for taking care of their parents in old age. Ninety-five percent of the children in orphanages are girls.

"Since last year, the increase in China sign-ups has been huge," both for single people and married couples, Zoet said.

Restriction in place

Single women's attraction to China was so great that, starting in 2002, the China Center of Adoption Affairs put a cap on the number of babies the country would release to them. Only 8 percent of adoptions can go to single people. Married couples are welcome to apply immediately and could have a child within a year.

"China's idea of an ideal family situation for a child is two parents. With a single mom, that's not what a child is getting," Zoet said. "We may not agree, but we have to abide by it."

Because of the limits placed on single parents, a woman could wait as long as two years before she even can submit an application, said Linda Schripsema, program coordinator for China adoptions at Bethany Christian Services in Grand Rapids. Zoet has about 30 single women on a waiting list at Adoption Associates. Getting to the top could take a year. Then they'll spend another 11-plus months filling out forms and waiting for a picture of their baby to arrive in the mail. Because of the delays, some who picked China opt to pursue adoption through another country.

Guatemala, El Salvador and Russia also allow single parents to adopt, but Schripsema said none of the countries encourages it.

"It's difficult for a single mom to adopt in any country," she said.

International adoption by a single man is even tougher. Some countries prohibit it. Neither Adoption Associates nor Bethany accepts international adoption applications from single men. Bethany accepts applications from single men -- and women -- for domestic adoptions of older children, however.

Waiting list or not, Barbra Trowe was not going to be deterred from raising a second baby from China. She was among the 25 single women who adopted through Bethany's Grand Rapids office over the last two years. She brought Ava home to Grand Rapids in October. Ava's 5-year-old sister, Maya, was adopted in 2000.

"I'm just crazy in love with these Chinese girls," says Trowe, 46.

She was laid off from her marketing position at Alticor last year but was adamant about keeping the adoption on track. She's tuning up her resume again, now that she's adjusted to life as a single mom of two.

"Maya so needed a sister to love," she says. "It's a beautiful thing to watch them together."

Precocious Maya recently told her mom she hasn't been doing a very good job at finding a husband.

Maya, who's in kindergarten, felt the sting when one of her classmates told her she wasn't allowed to attend a father-daughter dance at school.

Jensen, also a kindergartener, has asked about a dad, too.

"I let her talk about it. I let her have her feelings. I try to keep it positive and tell her what we do have in our family," Bigelow says. "No child is raised in a perfect situation, but my girls are being raised very well, if I do say so myself."

Not time for dating

Bigelow doesn't foresee fitting dating into her schedule anytime soon.

Trowe has a different perspective.

"I really would love to be married. I would love for Ava and Maya to have a dad," Trowe said. "I tell my daughters if I were to get married, he would be the luckiest man on earth because he'd be their dad."

She isn't dating now but likely will join a dating service sometime soon. And when she does, she'll be looking for a husband as well as a father for her girls.

[wardaddy]

Well....ya'll are sure always welcome down here.

I have kin in Holland btw. Very pretty but how do folks swim in that little cold assed lake?

[Dan from Michigan]

even if only for a few years until their real parents take them back?

Uprooting them is worse. You think the kids can just pick up and move from the only parents they've known?

[Antoninus]

Wow, I am surprised at the responses here. Maybe there should just be more abortions in China, so these baby girls wouldn't be adopted by the selfish Feminazis of the US.

You're a bit dense, I think. The BEST thing would be for China to become a democratic republic and for them to raise their own kids. As this is not likely to happen, it's fine that Americans are adopting these girls. While being adopted by a single woman in the US is certainly better than being aborted, it's not anywhere close to the optimal situation for the child. Using your logic, it would be ok for a Chinese child to be placed into an abusive household because "it's better than being aborted." Well, perhaps, but it's still putting an innocent child into a bad scene.

I reckon that a lot, if not most, of these "single women" are actually lesbians looking to raise little Chinese "lesbiettes." If that's the case, I consider this practice child abuse.

There are plenty of American couples of the man/woman variety (remember them?) who would love to adopt but lack the financial ability to do so. I recommend that they be put to the front of the line and subsidized before I would even consider allowing these "single women" to adopt.

[Antoninus]

As bad as adoption by a single parent may be, it's still a family, it is still better than the alternatives.

By that logic, we should place children with families that have a history of abuse too, right?

There is no shortage of actual two-parent families who would like to adopt but lack the financial means. As a society, it would be better for us to subsidize such families than to laud selfish single women who want trophy-kids.

If you're a single women who really and truly wants to take care of and educate children, I recommend the religious life. You'll have more kids than you can handle.

[Modernman]

There are plenty of American couples of the man/woman variety (remember them?) who would love to adopt but lack the financial ability to do so. I recommend that they be put to the front of the line and subsidized before I would even consider allowing these "single women" to adopt.

Am I reading this wrong, or are you coming down in favor of government subsidies for foreign adoptions by married couples while at the same time proposing banning single women from adopting foreign kids?

[grellis]

We have already seen here where that leads in some demographics and fatherless families.

I think a lot depends on how the family became fatherless in the first place.

In cases where the mother has a problem keeping her knees together and ends up with several kids by several different daddies, the children are going to be messed up. Or at least their perception of women will be messed up. In cases where Daddy walks out on Wife and kids in search of God only knows, the kids are going to be messed up--or at least their perception of men will be messed up.

A child adopted by a successful, emotionally grounded single woman, especially one who has a great support system of family and friends (wonderful for ANY mom to have, believe me)...where was I going with this? Oh yeah--lucky kid. Blessed child. I mean it. I'll use Rintense as an example since I've come to know her a bit, over the years, on the forum. She's clever and articulate. She's sensible. She's responsible. I don't doubt for an instant that she would be an excellent mother. I hope she finds the perfect guy because she's a helluva gal. If that doesn't happen, she'll still be a great mom.

[rabidralph]

I have a friend who is a single mom of two beautiful chinese baby girls. She is barren so she chose to adopt.

[Antoninus]

I'm not going to question their motives here... what they are doing is saving these babies from death; and that is an honorable thing.

Actually, if they wanted to do a truly honorable thing, they would take the money they're going to spend to adopt this child, and give it to a two-parent family that would love to adopt but can't afford it. She could then be "auntie-single woman" and still be part of the child's life, while giving the child what every kid really needs at the most basic level-- a mom AND a dad.

[Artist]

I reckon that a lot, if not most, of these "single women" are actually lesbians looking to raise little Chinese "lesbiettes." If that's the case, I consider this practice child abuse.

It's hard to believe how unkind some of you are. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

[Dan from Michigan]

publick skools

I always thought it was publik skuls.....

[Artist]

"Please tell me that's a joke."

That dude's hilarious, isn't he?

/gagging

[grellis]

I have kin in Holland btw. Very pretty but how do folks swim in that little cold assed lake?

I just glanced out the window and, big surprise, its snowing.

Back in the mid '90s, we had a freak January day, could have been in February, when the temps reached the mid-70s. Hubby and I both had the day off so we drove out to Holland to climb some dunes and hang out at the lake. We rolled up our pantlegs and went wading in the water--with great big chinks of ice floating around. I got sunburned. We had a thunderstorm that night. The next day we got six inches of snow.

In spite of our politics, Michigan just kicks ass.

[Tamar1973]

Do you know how long the one-child policy (make that: one-boy policy) has been in effect in China and how it's working out?

Well, the ratio in China of males to females is 117 to 100. This is NOT a good ratio. They have had incidences of women from North Korea, Vietnam, etc being kidnapped and sold in China as "wives" for Chinese men because it's so hard to find a native Chinese wife.

[Antoninus]

For some of them, adoption or artificial insemination may end up being options.

They may be better off just skipping it and being a mentor, or else doing a "Save the Children" type thing. There are other ways that single people can be fulfilled without purchasing an "accessory" child.

[Dan from Michigan]

Is it just me or does this seem to happen more in the mitten than anywhere else?

I know it's happened at least twice in Michigan with high profile cases. The birth 'parent' put the wrong dad on the birth certificate and that's the loophole.

(no LSJ for me, thanks!)
My local paper is actually more left than the LSJ.

[grellis]

chinks=chunks, young lady

[wardaddy]

I am in favor of keeping chinese baby girls from being killed.

I am in favor of promoting two parent homes here.

I am in favor of in between those two for practicality when the latter is impossible and the former is probable.

[wardaddy]

well..you are home to Uncle Ted....

[grellis]

My local paper is actually more left than the LSJ.

EGAD! What's it called, The Hammer and Sickle Press?

[Dan from Michigan]

Do these women live in states which allow "second parent" or same sex partner adoptions?

I'm almost 100% positive Michigan does not allow it. Michigan is a very gay unfriendly state. Civil Unions are banned here(even passed in Wayne County), and there's a questionmark over the legality of 'domestic benefits'.