Posted on 02/22/2005 6:56:50 PM PST by qam1
More than anything, Linda Bigelow wanted to be a mom.
The traditional route -- romance, marriage, pregnancy -- would have been great, but she couldn't manage to grab hold of it.
She dated, "but I realized I wasn't really looking for a husband for me, I was looking for a father for my future children," she says. "I decided that wasn't a good reason to get married."
So at the age of 31, she decided to do motherhood -- solo.
On June 4, 2000, after reams of paperwork and several months of waiting, she and her mother, Jean, collected her new baby girl from an orphanage in Changzhou, in the Jiangsu province of China. She named her Jensen.
Three and a half years later, Jensen joined her mom and grandma on another trek to China. They came home to Grand Rapids as a foursome, having adopted 2-year-old Taryn.
The Bigelows' story isn't unique. Many single women are trying to adopt a child or two nowadays. And China is first on their list.
"China is popular with single women because it's a little less expensive (than other foreign adoptions), and they get to travel there with a group of families," said Mary Zoet, China program manager for Adoption Associates, an adoption agency based in Georgetown Township.
Plus, women want baby girls, Zoet said, and China has lots of them.
They look outside of the U.S. because adopting a baby here as a single mother is almost impossible, Zoet said. Her agency allows birth mothers to select families for their child "and they just never pick single women," she said.
In China, a country with a one-child policy, girls often are abandoned. Sons are favored because they carry on the family name and are responsible for taking care of their parents in old age. Ninety-five percent of the children in orphanages are girls.
"Since last year, the increase in China sign-ups has been huge," both for single people and married couples, Zoet said.
Restriction in place
Single women's attraction to China was so great that, starting in 2002, the China Center of Adoption Affairs put a cap on the number of babies the country would release to them. Only 8 percent of adoptions can go to single people. Married couples are welcome to apply immediately and could have a child within a year.
"China's idea of an ideal family situation for a child is two parents. With a single mom, that's not what a child is getting," Zoet said. "We may not agree, but we have to abide by it."
Because of the limits placed on single parents, a woman could wait as long as two years before she even can submit an application, said Linda Schripsema, program coordinator for China adoptions at Bethany Christian Services in Grand Rapids. Zoet has about 30 single women on a waiting list at Adoption Associates. Getting to the top could take a year. Then they'll spend another 11-plus months filling out forms and waiting for a picture of their baby to arrive in the mail. Because of the delays, some who picked China opt to pursue adoption through another country.
Guatemala, El Salvador and Russia also allow single parents to adopt, but Schripsema said none of the countries encourages it.
"It's difficult for a single mom to adopt in any country," she said.
International adoption by a single man is even tougher. Some countries prohibit it. Neither Adoption Associates nor Bethany accepts international adoption applications from single men. Bethany accepts applications from single men -- and women -- for domestic adoptions of older children, however.
Waiting list or not, Barbra Trowe was not going to be deterred from raising a second baby from China. She was among the 25 single women who adopted through Bethany's Grand Rapids office over the last two years. She brought Ava home to Grand Rapids in October. Ava's 5-year-old sister, Maya, was adopted in 2000.
"I'm just crazy in love with these Chinese girls," says Trowe, 46.
She was laid off from her marketing position at Alticor last year but was adamant about keeping the adoption on track. She's tuning up her resume again, now that she's adjusted to life as a single mom of two.
"Maya so needed a sister to love," she says. "It's a beautiful thing to watch them together."
Precocious Maya recently told her mom she hasn't been doing a very good job at finding a husband.
Maya, who's in kindergarten, felt the sting when one of her classmates told her she wasn't allowed to attend a father-daughter dance at school.
Jensen, also a kindergartener, has asked about a dad, too.
"I let her talk about it. I let her have her feelings. I try to keep it positive and tell her what we do have in our family," Bigelow says. "No child is raised in a perfect situation, but my girls are being raised very well, if I do say so myself."
Not time for dating
Bigelow doesn't foresee fitting dating into her schedule anytime soon.
Trowe has a different perspective.
"I really would love to be married. I would love for Ava and Maya to have a dad," Trowe said. "I tell my daughters if I were to get married, he would be the luckiest man on earth because he'd be their dad."
She isn't dating now but likely will join a dating service sometime soon. And when she does, she'll be looking for a husband as well as a father for her girls.
We're full? Have you been to Wyoming, Montana, or Idaho lately?
I don't have a problem with adopting american kids but if kids are needing to be adopted somewhere - anywhere and you want to adopt a child, why not adopt it.
"But now we're full."
I'm not going to let you get by with this statement as it doesn't square with your previous statement recommending procreation. Since you're in the Age of Reason, here's your logic.
1. We're full.
2. Procreation is good.
3. International adoption as alternative to procreation is bad.
4. International adoptees are bad for America in a way natural-born children are not.
5. Numerically both have the same impact.
6. There is no qualitative difference between international adoptees and biological children other than race.
So by logical conclusion:
6. Race is what makes international adoptees bad for America.
7. Age of Reason has demonstrated he is an out-of-the-closet racist.
So which of the above are unReasonable?
But if this is supposed to be about the good of the children--as many here seem to say--then wouldn't it be nice if those American kids had a chance to live in a real home, even if only for a few years until their real parents take them back?
Or is this adoption thing not about helping children after all?
BUMP.
If you are physically unable to make them, then adopt an American child.
The days of limitless American resources and land have ended, and we must adjust.
Do you have children? Do you know anyone who has adopted a child in the States, or from anywhere else? Do you ever wonder why you feel the way you do?
Are you intentionally trying to be unreasonable?
People have recognized throughout that adoption is both for the benefit of the child and the parents who adopt. So, yes, permanence is an important factor for US citizens who adopt at least partially for their own benefit. Yet you want to take that benefit away from them even though you have yet to answer the question as to why international adoptions should be penalized in the first place. It's clearly not just about population control as you advocate for procreation. So what is it? Why don't you answer the question?
Adoption is a benefit that benefits both the family and the child. That fact that both are true does not take away from the other.
If there is such a thing as the American Race and such a thing as an Immigrant Race, then I guess I'm a racist all right.
Nevermind, Age of Reason. (can't help chuckling every time I read your name) If you are the age of reason, we are all in serious trouble. wink wink :)
"If there is such a thing as the American Race and such a thing as an Immigrant Race, then I guess I'm a racist all right."
Ah, let the truth set you free. You shall now be known as Age of Racisim.
Why is it important to you that I "make one" versus "import one" if your real concern is American resources? Why do you think that "making one" is a better choice?
It's all part of a government program: children without parents. It increases the crime rate which, in turn, increases government employment opportunitites.
I say procreate because that seems too much trouble for some people, and so I benefit from their voluntary decision not to take the trouble to add to population.
As it stands right now, America has a slightly negative population growth except for immigrants, so absent immigration, we can accommodate a few more naturally born Americans.
Since you like pulling the race card, please explain why people go all the way to China to adopt, when there are so many minority American children without a home?
"Since you like pulling the race card, please explain why people go all the way to China to adopt, when there are so many minority American children without a home?"
I do not "like pulling the race card". You managed to pull that one out on your own, by your own posts. Your own words speak volumes. Now perhaps you aren't "racist". Perhaps you wouldn't mind a white woman in the United States adopting a child of another race as long as that particular child was BORN in the U.S. What say you? And, do you know how difficult it can be for a white family to adopt a child of another race in the United States? I do.
Jensen & Taryn? She should be denied just based on the baby names.
They, the do-gooders, are enabling the brutal culture of the Chinese and in doing so...actually killing MORE babies....but hell they're politically correct and their every thought comes from Harvard and God
bump
A lot of two parent homes do the same thing to survive.
I was in daycare and don't feel as if I was damaged by it. My parents had to work in order to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. This is an expensive part of the country, where a "starter" home can cost more than $250K. I'm sure people don't believe it, but I enjoyed daycare and so did my brother, particularly once I was in school. I don't have bad memories nor can I remember feeling abandoned by my parents.
We'll have no choice in the matter if we want children before our mid-thirties (which would limit us to one most likely). We hope that our children will be in the care of grandparents at least part time, but some non-family daycare will likely be necessary. And if anyone gets to stay home with kids, it'll be my husband. I make way more money than he does, and if we were to make a go of it financially on one income it would be mine.
Meanwhile most Freepers would crucify me for being some sort of percieved selfish feminazi, or insinuate that my husband is less of a man...oh well.
Single women shouldn't be adopting children. There's a reason that countries limit adoptions to single women; kids are best off with a mom and a dad.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.