AOL Admits 40% of Subscribers Don't Have Computers

the Watley review ^ | 11-16-2204 | the Watley Review

[kralcmot]

AOL Admits 40% of Subscribers Don't Have Computers

Leading internet provider America Online (AOL) has confirmed a stunning statistic leaked by a dissatisfied employee last week, in documents sold to Fox News for an undisclosed sum.

"Well, I got the disk in the mail, and it said if I wanted to subscribed I should send money to these people," said Carl Lewen, an AOL subscriber in Kentucky who does not own a computer. "It never said anything about having to do anything with the disk. I thought it was kind of like a souvenir."

According to the documents obtained by Fox, AOL became aware as early as 2001 that a substantial portion of its subscribers had no idea what a computer was, much less how to use one.

"The fact that they opted not only to keep these clients, but actually pursue such customers with increasing aggressiveness, bespeaks a serious ethical collapse at AOL," said Wired News analyst Mary Kowshik.

AOL was able to get away with this, apparently, because so many people are unclear as to what the internet is, or what benefits to expect from an online account.

"I kind of thought it was like subscribing to the yellow pages," said Lewen. "We kept getting copies of the phone book, so I thought AOL was doing that. I also wanted the virus protection, because it was flu season."

It is unclear whether any charges will be filed against AOL. The only complaint on record at the Internet Fraud Complaint Center is from a dissatisfied AOL subscriber who grumbled that its vaunted pop-up blocking service failed to counteract her husband's Cialis.

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[kralcmot]

Now, i don't want to point out the obvious, but if 40% of the AOL Subscribers don't have computers, and if AOL knows this, and does not refund their money and cancel their subscriptions, then AOL is engaging in disreputable business practices, which is no big surprise anyway. Furthermore, considering the generally poor performance of the AOL connection, especially in terms of connectivity and speed of response, you have to wonder if the other 60% of the subscribers really ever use the service. The one good thing to come out of AOL is the AOL Instant Messenger service, which, ironically, is available for free to anyone (even non-subscribers) who wants to use it. (Get it from the AOL home page) It has become the standard communication method for many members of my family. We are often on line and chat frequently. So thank you AOL for that and perhaps its those 40% who subscribe to AOL but never use it that makes this all possible.

[2banana]

"I just like getting the shiny disks in the mail...I use them as coasters"

[old3030]

Hello, it's a spoof.

[MisterRepublican]

This has to be a joke. Then again, AOL is a joke.

[IStillBelieve]

Eh? I'll wait to see this reported by a major media outlet.

[gridlock]

You should leave yourself open to the possiblity that the author of this piece is not being entirely serious...

[Maceman]

Now, i don't want to point out the obvious, but if 40% of the AOL Subscribers don't have computers, and if AOL knows this, and does not refund their money and cancel their subscriptions, then AOL is engaging in disreputable business practices,

Uhhh . . . this is a joke. As in satire.

[glock rocks]

The Watley Review is dedicated to the production of articles completely without journalistic merit or factual basis, as this would entail leaving our chairs or actually working. Names, places and events are generally fictitious, except for public figures about which we may have heard something down at the pub. All contents are intended as parody and should be construed as such.

[NonValueAdded]

This is a joke, right? I can see a handful of people falling for this but 40%??? Oh, wait a minute, some 58 million did vote for Kerry so there are enough gullible people in the US to make up 40% of AOL's subscriber base.

[TheBigB]

"I kind of thought it was like subscribing to the yellow pages," said Lewen. "We kept getting copies of the phone book, so I thought AOL was doing that. I also wanted the virus protection, because it was flu season."

:::speechless:::

[TheBigB]

LOL, it got me. :)

[Ksnavely]

Please read the disclaimer on the web site you found this on.

"The Watley Review is dedicated to the production of articles completely without journalistic merit or factual basis, as this would entail leaving our chairs or actually working. Names, places and events are generally fictitious..."

its a satirical web site.

[TitanicMan2003]

The Watley Review is dedicated to the production of articles completely without journalistic merit or factual basis, as this would entail leaving our chairs or actually working.

Thought you should know.

MGY

[chs68]

Hey -- Thanks for the laugh.

Until I read your post, I had never heard of the Watley Review.

It sort of reminds me of The Onion.

Let's see how many people will really believe this stuff, shall we?

[glock rocks]

AOL CDs make wonderful frisbees, magpie deflectors, and gun range targets. Collect the whole set :o)

[kralcmot]

to myself

oops humor alert

[flair2000]

My wife hangs them in the garden to scare the birds off.

[DouglasKC]

This was right on the edge of believability.

[chs68]

Any bets on how many posts there will be today over on DU, just eating total outrage at the dispicable pratices of that BIG Corporation, AOL?

[Popman]

The Watley Review is dedicated to the production of articles completely without journalistic merit or factual basis, as this would entail leaving our chairs or actually working. Names, places and events are generally fictitious, except for public figures about which we may have heard something down at the pub. All contents are intended as parody and should be construed as such. We have no agenda other than the depletion of Uncle Zeke's whaling trust fund and the dutiful appreciation of smooth, smooth liquor. The Review is updated every Tuesday, when the hangovers wear off.