Posted on 10/06/2004 12:56:21 PM PDT by nypokerface
A sampling of comedian Rodney Dangerfield's one-liners:
Oct. 5, 2004, Joke of the Day on Dangerfield's Web site:
"I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'"
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"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."
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"When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."
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"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?'"
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"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."
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"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."
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"When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."
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"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names — hers and her mother's."
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"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."
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"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."
Some of my Caddyshck faves:
Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.
Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
Your a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
That movie was always a dorm classic at the University of Wisconsin. Pretty much everything except the swimming pool stuff was shot there. (Naturally, there is no outdoor university pool at Wisconsin...) Great movie.
"I got in the elevator and pressed the floor for my apartment. He pressed the floor right above - roof.
"I got off and said goodbye. He said 'I'll see you later'".
Dangerfield is like Redd Foxx without the profanity. Very old-school comedian. Hard to believe just how old he was when he really became popular.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
I just got back from a pleasure-trip. Drove my mother-in-law to the airport.
Showing respect for Rodney bump!
I tell ya my marriage to Vanessa was doomed from the start. I was earth sign, she was water sign, together we made mud!
"I tell ya, the first time I had sex it scared me to death...
I was all by myself!"
RIP
I was so ugly as a kid my parents had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me!
RIP Rodney
--So how are you Rodney?
--I tell ya Johnny, I'm OK now, but last week was rough.
And he would really start rolling off the one liners. I loved that he always put his troubles in past tense. Then, of course, Johnny would ask about Dr Vinnie Boombatz.
When I was a kid I had acne. Was it bad? Oh was it bad. I once fell asleep in the library and woke up with a blind kid reading my face.
I couldn't get no respect as a kid. My folks sent me to the local liquor store to purchase a newspaper. When I came home they'd moved.
I left work feeling depressed. I said to the cab driver, "Take me where I can get some action." He drove me to my house. I was so upset I had the cab driver drive me to a club to cool down. I ordered a beer and sat at the bar. Pretty soon the bartender walked up and said, "Wanna seem some naked pictures?" I was really pissed at the old ball and chain, so I said yes. He handed me pictures of my wife.
"We had a dog we named Pharaoh. He left little pyramids all over the house!"
"I was eight years old before I found out there was no such thing as Alpo Baby Food."
ping
"I tell you, when I was a kid I was so short I had to blow my nose through my fly".......
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