Posted on 10/06/2004 12:56:21 PM PDT by nypokerface
A sampling of comedian Rodney Dangerfield's one-liners:
Oct. 5, 2004, Joke of the Day on Dangerfield's Web site:
"I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'"
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"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."
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"When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."
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"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?'"
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"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up."
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"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."
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"When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."
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"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names hers and her mother's."
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"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."
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"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."
Diane: I'd love to go with you, but I've got a class right now.
Thornton Melon : Well, why don't you come and see me some time when you have no class.
Rodney Dangerfield was a true one-of-a-kind. He was such an icon.
We've not only lost a great man, we've lost a FUNNY great man.
But, Heaven will be in hysterics - Jack Benny, Bob Hope and Phil Silvers, to name but a few, will be laughing it up.
Thanks for the great jokes, Rodney. Rest in peace.
I think we ought to find Dr. Vinnie Boom Boss and whip his ass.
"I tried to teach my 15 year-old daughter how to drive. She couldn't get used to the front seat."
I saw Rodney in the market about 8 years ago. He was was wearing a bathrobe and slippers.
"I went to my doctor the other day. You know my doctor don't yah? Dr. Vinnie Boombatz? I said I don't know what's wrong with me. I got up this morning looked in the mirror and wanted to throw up. My doc, he says, I don't know what's wrong with you, but your eyesight's perfect! So I says I want a second opinion! He says, OK, you're ugly, too!"
"I tell yah. I don't no respect!"
I once dated a girl with pigtails...under her ARMS.
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I told my kid about the birds and the bees--he told me about my wife and the butcher.
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One time I got lost from my parents--I asked a cop, "Do you ever think I'll find them?" he said, "I don't know, kid, there are so many places they could hide."
BA-DOMP-BOMP!!!
Loved ya, Rodney.
What a coincedence. Night before last, I watched "Caddyshack" for the first time in 20 years. Rodney was hilarious in that movie. Funny, funny man. RIP. |
(BRRRRRRRRRAAAAAPPPPPPPP!!!!) Oooooooo....did someone step on a duck?
I am so ugly, I went to the Proctologist & put his finger in my mouth.
I tell ya my kids give me no respect. They enrolled in a private school. They won't tell me where it is.
Our loss is heavens gain
"My wife's cooking was so bad that the flies all chipped in to get the screen door repaired."
"I went to my doctor the other day. You know my doctor don't yah? Dr. Vinnie Boombatz? I said I don't know what's wrong with me. I got up this morning looked in the mirror and wanted to throw up. My doc, he says, I don't know what's wrong with you, but your eyesight's perfect! So I says I want a second opinion! He says, OK, you're ugly, too!"
"I tell yah. I don't get no respect!"
"When I was dating my wife she told me I was 'one in a million'. I found out she was right!"
"The other night my dog was scratching & whining at the back door, so I opened it to let him out....he wanted me to go!!!"
I once went out with a woman, she was so old that when she was in school they didn't teach history.
"I told my son, I said 'kid, one day you will have kids of your own,' he said 'so will you'"
"I called my wife from work, I said "Honey, I can't wait to get there and make love to you," - she said, "who is this?"
Rodney, handling a heckler:
Heckler: "You stink! Don't quit your day job!"
Rodney: "But if I don't find guys for your sister, who will?"
My favorite:
"I only get girls because of who I am . . . a rapist!"
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