Posted on 10/06/2004 12:56:21 PM PDT by nypokerface
Don't forget his creepy role in Natural Born Killers.....disturbing & funny.
BTTT
Professor, what are you doing tonight. I'd like to take you out for dinner.
Sorry, but I have class tonight.
Oh, why don't you call me when you have no class!
"I was so ugly my mother breast fed me through a straw."
"I don't get no respect, I looked up my family tree and a dog was using it."
RIP Rodney, you were a genius.
Kelly, Thank you and welcome home brother.
"Hey honey there's a Messerschmidt on the table, will ya' clean it up?"
Then there's the great bit in the movie "Back to School" when he's in class with professor Bobcat Goldwaithe(sp?), who goes off on a rampage on the Vietnam war - when he's done Dangerfield says in an aside to his companion "Great professor - he seems to really care - about what I have no idea"......
I tell you, I grew up in a tough neighborhood... In my neighborhood they bowled overhand...
Ahhhh, the Triple Lindy!
I'm on a new diet - Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya I don't know if I'm coming or going.
"If having sex is a pain in the a$$, then you're doing it wrong."
I lived Rodney growing up. I could always get my dad to laugh when I did Rodney jokes when I was young. His favorite was when my mom told me to take out the trash. I immediately launched into Rodney. I said, "You cook it you take it out." My mom knew I was joking, but to see her face the first time I said it and watch my dad laugh till it hurt was priceless.
Rodney had the knack for picking stars. I have an old show where he highlighted new comics. Among the new prospects he had on were Jery Seignfeld, Roseane Barr, and Sam Kennison.
I will miss him.
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
7 What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
8 I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
9 My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
10 My wife’s cooking is so bad the flies fix our screens.
11 I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
Last week I told my wife, “If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef.” She said, “If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.”
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
I bought a used car. And found my wife’s dress in the back seat.
Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.
She told me when we have sex, that’s the only time I make her laugh.
Woman: “I’m not interested in casual sex.”
Dangerfield: “Alright, I’ll keep my tie on.”
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!
My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.”
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My psychiatrist told me I’m crazy. I told him “If you don’t mind I’d like a second opinion.” He said “Alright, you’re ugly too!”
With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept askin’ how big I get.
I’m so ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.
I’m so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I’m so ugly. My mother had morning sickness—after I was born.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!
On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me. When I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
Well with girls I don’t get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said “Are you Louise?” She said, “Are you Rodney?” I said, “Yeah.” She said, “I’m not Louise.”
I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said, “No, one drag is enough.”
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said “No, I hate myself now.”
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I don’t get no respect, are you kiddin’? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.
I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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