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Comedian Rodney Dangerfield's One-Liners
AP ^
| 10/06/04
Posted on 10/06/2004 12:56:21 PM PDT by nypokerface
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To: nypokerface
I don't ever remember R.D. having to use vulgarity to get a laugh like so many comedians do today!
To: nypokerface
"My wife is such a bad cook, that the flies in the neighborhood chipped in to have the screen door fixed."
< rimshot >
To: nypokerface
Always look out for #1 but be sure not to step in #2
43
posted on
10/06/2004 1:24:22 PM PDT
by
joesnuffy
(Moderate Islam Is For Dilettantes)
To: joesnuffy
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
45
posted on
10/06/2004 1:26:51 PM PDT
by
Sybeck1
(Kerry: how can we trust him with our money, if Teresa won't trust him with hers!)
To: the_devils_advocate_666
My favorite Rodney line from Back to School: I liked the line where he said to the college girls "Hey girls, why don't you come over here and help me straighten out my Longfellow."
To: nypokerface
"I'll tell ya, my wife, boy is she fat. She went on one of those exercise shows on television. She started jumping up and down -- my TV fell off the stand!"
To: Mannaggia l'America
"Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every ten minutes."
To: Mannaggia l'America
This one's a keeper, BUMP, I love Rodney Dangerfield.
49
posted on
10/06/2004 1:31:12 PM PDT
by
Nowhere Man
("Laws are the spider webs through which the big bugs fly past and the little ones get caught.")
To: Mannaggia l'America
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
50
posted on
10/06/2004 1:31:52 PM PDT
by
Sybeck1
(Kerry: how can we trust him with our money, if Teresa won't trust him with hers!)
To: nypokerface
Why get married? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
51
posted on
10/06/2004 1:32:07 PM PDT
by
Balata
To: nypokerface
Oh, that doctor of mine, you know my doctor, Dr. Vinnie Boom Bahts? I told him, "My teeth are turning yellow."
He said, "Wear a brown necktie."
Then he told me, "You're crazy." I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Alright, you're ugly, too."
I called him on the phone. I said, "Doc, I accidentally swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
With me, nothin' works. Last week, I bought a Japanese car. I turned the radio on. I can't understand a word they say.
And my wife. You know, she cut me down to once a month. I know three guys she cut out altogether.
It's always been that way. All I ever got were fat girls. One girl I went out with, ooh, was she fat.
HOW FAT WAS SHE?
Her bathtub had stretch marks, okay?
To: nypokerface
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
53
posted on
10/06/2004 1:34:59 PM PDT
by
Sybeck1
(Kerry: how can we trust him with our money, if Teresa won't trust him with hers!)
To: nypokerface
"My wife and I we brought a dog that was so dumb that we named him Egypt, because he left a pyramid in every room."
We'll miss ya Rodney...
(Will someone please shut the little fat bastard up!!!--Rodney Dangerfield "Easy Money")
To: Sybeck1
I stuck my head out of the car window and
got arrested for mooning.
55
posted on
10/06/2004 1:36:23 PM PDT
by
WKB
(3! ~ Psa. 12 8 The wicked freely strut about when what is vile is honored among men.")
To: nypokerface
I flew into town last; asked the cab driver where I could find some action; he took me to my house.
I got arrested for flashing; they took me to small claims court.
56
posted on
10/06/2004 1:37:05 PM PDT
by
Elephino
To: DCPatriot
In Back to School, when Rodney finds out his son is not in the fraternity & not on the dive team he says:
"Why did you lie to me Jason? You don't lie to me...you lie to girls."
57
posted on
10/06/2004 1:37:25 PM PDT
by
Feiny
(The use of intoxicants is one of the distinguishing marks of the higher types and races of humanity.)
To: nypokerface
From his act in the Sixties:"Some people are going to India to find the meaning of life. I'm still trying to start my car."
58
posted on
10/06/2004 1:39:34 PM PDT
by
You Dirty Rats
(WE WILL WIN WITH W - Isara)
To: nypokerface
"My wife cut me back to sex once a month... but that's okay, I know two guys she cut out completely.
To: nypokerface
I met a girl in a bar and asked her if we could go to bed. She told me that she didn't like casual sex. I told her, 'OK, I'll wear a tie'
60
posted on
10/06/2004 1:43:39 PM PDT
by
kidd
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