Posted on 06/13/2004 10:24:43 PM PDT by goldstategop
Vox Day
Is marriage worth it?
A reader, who happens to be a single man of marriageable age, wrote in to ask me a simple question: "Does anyone out there feel that marriage is worth it?"
After some reflection, I decided to answer him thusly: A marriage to the right person is worth it. A marriage to the wrong person is not. How does one decide who the right person is? Aye, there's the rub ...
This is not to say that one cannot determine who the right person is, only that it requires a certain amount of analytical detachment about the relationship that is difficult for most people. Some of the more important factors for a man to consider, in my opinion, are as follows:
1. Is she a woman of genuine faith? A woman who seriously believes that marriage is a sacrament – be she Christian, Jew or Muslim – will have a very different view of the institution and the commitment she is making than will a secular or casually religious woman. As for irreligious men, I see no purpose in marrying whatsoever – why put oneself at serious risk for a sacrament in which one does not believe? If you're marrying her simply because she demands it, don't be surprised when you're forced to accede to other, even less palatable demands, like a divorce.
2. Does she accept the notion of personal responsibility? A woman who is constantly blaming others for her problems in life will soon begin to see her husband as the source of all her problems. These women always blame whoever they are around the most instead of themselves – if she's constantly complaining about her coworkers or her family, don't even continue to date her. If you do, soon enough you'll discover that she has a new target at which to aim her barbs.
3. Are you comfortable with her? Passion is no substitute for genuine compatibility. Hot sex is delightful, but there is the other 99 percent of the time to consider, too. If you and your potential wife are not capable of several hours in the same room together without talking or otherwise interacting directly, you may not be comfortable enough with one another.
4. Can she entertain herself? Men need their downtime. This becomes problematic if she sees your free time as a violation of her time with you.
5. Does she genuinely put the interests of others first? I love a beautiful, self-centered drama queen as much or more than the next guy, but I would never want to marry one. They're fun to watch ... from a distance. Keep your distance.
6. Do your friends and family think she's good for you? Those around you are not likely to be blinded by the rose-tinted lenses of infatuation and will often have a better read on her true personality than you do. If you find yourself defending her by saying things like "Oh, but you just don't know her," then you are flirting with long-term trouble.
7. Does she attempt to control you? This tendency will only get worse with marriage, so any sign of this in a dating relationship is a red flag. Women have a strong maternal instinct and have a hard time grasping that most men loathe being mothered – can she back off when you tell her to?
8. Does she treat you with respect, in public and in private? If she does, this is an excellent sign. If she's always putting you down, just "giving you a hard time" and "keeping you in your place," better find someone else. Marriage is not a buddy-cop movie.
9. Are you in agreement on the larger issues? If she wants kids and you don't, forget it. If she wants to keep up with the Joneses and you want to save for the future, there is a seed of much future conflict already embedded in the relationship.
10. Finally, do you know her? Really, truly know her? Do you know what she hopes her future will hold, even if she can't articulate it?
Marriage and family are definitely good things. But they are important and life-altering, and are not to be entered into lightly. If you are so fortunate as to find the right woman, don't let shallow concerns get in the way, pursue her and see it through. If neither you nor those close to you harbor any serious doubts about her, then marriage is likely the right decision.
She'd probably call you "Bill" and kick you in the crotch.
Re: Dr Laura's book...
I bought the book for my soon-to-be ex, it was one of the direct causes for the split-up. She found it, threw it away and then claimed I had accused her of stealing when I asked what had happened to it. She was a big fan of Dr. L until her advice cut against her. In my case, her own version of "God" caused a lot of the problems.
"Children Are Overrated" - too bad the a**clowns parents didn't buy that.
"You don't have to be religious to take marriage seriously and there is no evidence that Non-religious people are any more prone to divorce than religious people. "
He wasn't comparing religious with non-religios, but those with 'genuine faith' with 'secular or casually religious'.
Your numbers don't differentiate between those who are serious and those who are casual in the religios beliefs.
"Its so hard for us perfect men to find just the right lady./sarcasm off."
A friend once told me that all his life he was looking for the perfect woman. Unfortunately for him, when he finally found her it turned out she was looking for the perfect man. :(
>>In any case, more important than friends are FAMILY opinions...family are reasonably, naturally concerned about your well-being and more truly know you than your friends
I'd say that is mostly true, at least in my family. But my parents have been married for 40 years and my brothers and I have had an extremely stable family setting. The same is not true about many of my friends, who either have family discord with siblings or parents, or have two sets of parents (mom and step dad, dad and step mom).
I'd trust my family before my friends, but I have always considered family more important than friends.
Good point re: female friends. Having a male-dominated career and male-dominated hobbies, almost all of my friends are men. I can't stand the cute little games that women play... plus every woman my age that I've met has the social IQ of a peanut.
One of my (VERY hot) roommates got upset because a guy she'd met only 2 days ago offered her an all-expenses-paid trip to New York City. She actually took him up on the offer, and when she got back, she was complaining that he pressured her to have sex all during the trip. Needless to say, I'm not running to her, or any other woman, for relationship advice.
mark
Oh I think there are plenty of women out there reading it and following the advice. And even though my marriage ended in a nasty bitter divorce I have used the suggestions in her book to finally let my ex husband where I failed in our relationship...It has made a huge difference in how we now communicate with each other and has certainly opened my eyes to what I need to do if I should ever be blessed enough to marry again
Very sensible.
Find the wife before you make millions. You won't attract the wrong type of extremely attractive woman at that point.
#6 could have saved me two years of acting stupid, wasting money, ond pickling my liver. Now I just act stupid.
also add the Jewish saying:
"A worthy man has a wife who will stand against him for the right reason, an unworthy man has a wife who will stand with him for the wrong reasons"
Except they said it in Hebrew.
I'm sure that's part of it, However if you notice there is a listing (4th down from the top)for people who just call themselves "Christian", It doesn't mean "Other Christian" because even though many smaller Christian groups are missing from the divorce statistics that are in the rest of the survey (There was probably too few of them surveyed to accurately explotate divorce statistics for the whole country)so when they say "Christian" they mean someone who is a Christian but doesn't follow any branch, In other words a CINO and their divorce rate is 9% right around everybody else's
It also doesn't make sense because if "Real" Christians have such a low divorce rate that would mean in order to come out about the same as the Nonreligious the "Causal" Christians would have to have divorce rates around 30-40%. So by that logic it's best to marry either a fundamentalist or an Atheist but not someone in-between.
The divorce rate is right around 10% for all groups with slight variation, There may be cultural, societal, financial, regional and even generational differences but it obvious from these results that religion has very little to do with the staying power of a marriage.
As for irreligious men, I see no purpose in marrying whatsoever – why put oneself at serious risk for a sacrament in which one does not believe?
What a stupid thing to say by the author in an otherwise good article. So if the author woke up tomorrow and thought there was no God would he just pack up and leave his wife? Yeah sounds like true love there!
Just because the author needs "The Fear of God" to keep him loving and not leaving his wife doesn't mean other people do, It's pretty sad this author who seems intelligent can't fathom people getting married and staying together because they actually love each other and want to spend the rest of the lives together.
many thanks ...
And God is great - glad to hear he brought you Her. I know the feeling .... very, very weird, in a holy kind of way.
Ok I'll say it. Women are a pain in the ass. But I love them. Don't want to marry one but I'd sure like to stay close enough to love them and watch my ASSets at the same time.
I am not bashing women.... well sorta kinda, yeah, they are a pain in the Achiles, I'll say it again.
My love to the Senoritas
Gotta go now, good soccer game on. No time for you. Got slobs coming over for the game and we will eat Pizza, drink beer and answer to no one of the rest of the day.
For me, after the game I'll go to the Pub and mingle.
Later
bttt
Nowadays, just ADMITTING a thought like that would get you locked up in a psych ward with lie detectors attached to your private parts.
This time, I married a woman who had been my friend for 20 years. This is working out well. Nothing is perfect, but we deal with problems and are doing fine.
I figure third time is a charm, or three strikes I'm out.
More seriously, had I listened to what my mom told me when I was much younger, I would have only have married once--20 years earlier.
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