Posted on 06/13/2004 10:24:43 PM PDT by goldstategop
Vox Day
Is marriage worth it?
A reader, who happens to be a single man of marriageable age, wrote in to ask me a simple question: "Does anyone out there feel that marriage is worth it?"
After some reflection, I decided to answer him thusly: A marriage to the right person is worth it. A marriage to the wrong person is not. How does one decide who the right person is? Aye, there's the rub ...
This is not to say that one cannot determine who the right person is, only that it requires a certain amount of analytical detachment about the relationship that is difficult for most people. Some of the more important factors for a man to consider, in my opinion, are as follows:
1. Is she a woman of genuine faith? A woman who seriously believes that marriage is a sacrament – be she Christian, Jew or Muslim – will have a very different view of the institution and the commitment she is making than will a secular or casually religious woman. As for irreligious men, I see no purpose in marrying whatsoever – why put oneself at serious risk for a sacrament in which one does not believe? If you're marrying her simply because she demands it, don't be surprised when you're forced to accede to other, even less palatable demands, like a divorce.
2. Does she accept the notion of personal responsibility? A woman who is constantly blaming others for her problems in life will soon begin to see her husband as the source of all her problems. These women always blame whoever they are around the most instead of themselves – if she's constantly complaining about her coworkers or her family, don't even continue to date her. If you do, soon enough you'll discover that she has a new target at which to aim her barbs.
3. Are you comfortable with her? Passion is no substitute for genuine compatibility. Hot sex is delightful, but there is the other 99 percent of the time to consider, too. If you and your potential wife are not capable of several hours in the same room together without talking or otherwise interacting directly, you may not be comfortable enough with one another.
4. Can she entertain herself? Men need their downtime. This becomes problematic if she sees your free time as a violation of her time with you.
5. Does she genuinely put the interests of others first? I love a beautiful, self-centered drama queen as much or more than the next guy, but I would never want to marry one. They're fun to watch ... from a distance. Keep your distance.
6. Do your friends and family think she's good for you? Those around you are not likely to be blinded by the rose-tinted lenses of infatuation and will often have a better read on her true personality than you do. If you find yourself defending her by saying things like "Oh, but you just don't know her," then you are flirting with long-term trouble.
7. Does she attempt to control you? This tendency will only get worse with marriage, so any sign of this in a dating relationship is a red flag. Women have a strong maternal instinct and have a hard time grasping that most men loathe being mothered – can she back off when you tell her to?
8. Does she treat you with respect, in public and in private? If she does, this is an excellent sign. If she's always putting you down, just "giving you a hard time" and "keeping you in your place," better find someone else. Marriage is not a buddy-cop movie.
9. Are you in agreement on the larger issues? If she wants kids and you don't, forget it. If she wants to keep up with the Joneses and you want to save for the future, there is a seed of much future conflict already embedded in the relationship.
10. Finally, do you know her? Really, truly know her? Do you know what she hopes her future will hold, even if she can't articulate it?
Marriage and family are definitely good things. But they are important and life-altering, and are not to be entered into lightly. If you are so fortunate as to find the right woman, don't let shallow concerns get in the way, pursue her and see it through. If neither you nor those close to you harbor any serious doubts about her, then marriage is likely the right decision.
Gobucks, very well said.
I've been blessed in the fact that God has brought my soulmate to me.
A true biblical marriage, in accordance with Christ is a thing to behold.
When you do find the right person you find that the relationship exists on three distinct levels. The physical, the mental, and the spiritual. When all three are combined there is nothing in THIS world that can compare and be better.
My personal belief is that marriages fail because they don't have all three pieces in place. The physical attraction has to be there, the mental has to be there, (face it, how many guys out there found a great looking woman but she was none to stimulating mentally?), and she has to be matched to your spiritual views and beliefs.
Just my $0.02 worth of ramblings.
Semper Fi
I never knew what true happiness was until I got married -- and then it was too late.
Come on qam, I can't believe the statements you make sometimes!
So women are only jealous of men, but men are never jealous of women? Give me a break! Are you sure you don't just make these statements to get a rise out of us? 8-O
In any case, more important than friends are FAMILY opinions. Assuming you have enough a) parents b) siblings c) cousins to get a good read. Most family are reasonably, naturally concerned about your well-being and more truly know you than your friends. I'd hope your parents know you very, very well (they won't have the foolish-youngster problem your friends will, just like you). Also your siblings should know you extremely well. Some of us are also blessed w/special friends in the form of great cousins.
True Zen....been married 27 very happy years.
Getting married to a russian girl who is PERFECT for me. And she knows communism doesn't work and is completely apolitical.
Of course talking politics with your wife is generally not smth I would prefer to do. Philosophy, history or science, absolutely. Politics ... nope.
Go Russian, they are the best women on the planet.
Maybe a Golden Retriever would be just as good.
I appreciate both of your posts! ~smiles~
It was the third marriage for both Rush and Marta, so this makes the third divorce for each of them. That is, unless there was a secret marriage at some point.
All the reports say his marriage to Marta was his third.
Can't seem to find a dog that enjoys a good discussion on Rome, Chemistry, Christianity, the writings of Marcus Aurelius or anything else besides crapping in the yard and chasing the frisbee.
You find one ... let me know :)
OK - perhaps a brighter dog, then, a German Shepherd or a Border Collie.... but careful, with intelligence comes those troublesome opinions!
I went to the Philippines for mine. Best decision I ever made.
I read a study years ago - that married men live longer than single men, but single women live longer than married women. - go figure!
It would be to Ann Coulter!
However, after working all day in a very stressful field, I just don't have the energy it takes to meet a mate and put the necessary effort into building the relationship that leads to marriage. Now, if I stumbled into that special someone, it may be that I become energized immediately!
I'm better known for driving women to marriage to someone else! ;-)
bump for later
The average American man is 5' 10".
By his criterion, the average American man cannot marry the average American woman (6" gap.)
Furthermore, if the author wants to tout the benefits of marrying Third World and/or Asian woman : How many of them are going to be tall enough to meet the 3" Rule? Guess only American men of 5' 7" or so get to marry, huh?
I cannot begin to understand why he came up with that rule. What possible difference can a height difference of no more than 3" make? Unless he wants to guarantee the couple can wear each other's blue jeans...And nothing about the woman being no more than x inches taller : Guess he assumes no man wants to marry a woman taller than him.
They have ambushed men and women both with their "men are oppressors" nonsense.
Marriage is damn hard work and if both parties are not contributing, especially in this day and age it just is not going to work.
Regards,
True...but for many women, their idea of "downtime" is to go find the man in their life and spend some time emotionally relating. That's not usually a man's idea of downtime...that's a man's idea of work.
Work for which most men are ill-equipped, I might add. Give us a cabin to defend, boarders to repel, a house to renovate, an engine to rebuild. Those are jobs we can do. "Relate emotionally"? Ladies, that's what your girlfriends are for.
Stumbling into that special someone might require being drunk. Then again, once you stumble into her, you might not remember the next day.
If I told her she has a beautiful body, would she hold it against me?
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