Posted on 06/13/2004 10:24:43 PM PDT by goldstategop
Vox Day
Is marriage worth it?
A reader, who happens to be a single man of marriageable age, wrote in to ask me a simple question: "Does anyone out there feel that marriage is worth it?"
After some reflection, I decided to answer him thusly: A marriage to the right person is worth it. A marriage to the wrong person is not. How does one decide who the right person is? Aye, there's the rub ...
This is not to say that one cannot determine who the right person is, only that it requires a certain amount of analytical detachment about the relationship that is difficult for most people. Some of the more important factors for a man to consider, in my opinion, are as follows:
1. Is she a woman of genuine faith? A woman who seriously believes that marriage is a sacrament – be she Christian, Jew or Muslim – will have a very different view of the institution and the commitment she is making than will a secular or casually religious woman. As for irreligious men, I see no purpose in marrying whatsoever – why put oneself at serious risk for a sacrament in which one does not believe? If you're marrying her simply because she demands it, don't be surprised when you're forced to accede to other, even less palatable demands, like a divorce.
2. Does she accept the notion of personal responsibility? A woman who is constantly blaming others for her problems in life will soon begin to see her husband as the source of all her problems. These women always blame whoever they are around the most instead of themselves – if she's constantly complaining about her coworkers or her family, don't even continue to date her. If you do, soon enough you'll discover that she has a new target at which to aim her barbs.
3. Are you comfortable with her? Passion is no substitute for genuine compatibility. Hot sex is delightful, but there is the other 99 percent of the time to consider, too. If you and your potential wife are not capable of several hours in the same room together without talking or otherwise interacting directly, you may not be comfortable enough with one another.
4. Can she entertain herself? Men need their downtime. This becomes problematic if she sees your free time as a violation of her time with you.
5. Does she genuinely put the interests of others first? I love a beautiful, self-centered drama queen as much or more than the next guy, but I would never want to marry one. They're fun to watch ... from a distance. Keep your distance.
6. Do your friends and family think she's good for you? Those around you are not likely to be blinded by the rose-tinted lenses of infatuation and will often have a better read on her true personality than you do. If you find yourself defending her by saying things like "Oh, but you just don't know her," then you are flirting with long-term trouble.
7. Does she attempt to control you? This tendency will only get worse with marriage, so any sign of this in a dating relationship is a red flag. Women have a strong maternal instinct and have a hard time grasping that most men loathe being mothered – can she back off when you tell her to?
8. Does she treat you with respect, in public and in private? If she does, this is an excellent sign. If she's always putting you down, just "giving you a hard time" and "keeping you in your place," better find someone else. Marriage is not a buddy-cop movie.
9. Are you in agreement on the larger issues? If she wants kids and you don't, forget it. If she wants to keep up with the Joneses and you want to save for the future, there is a seed of much future conflict already embedded in the relationship.
10. Finally, do you know her? Really, truly know her? Do you know what she hopes her future will hold, even if she can't articulate it?
Marriage and family are definitely good things. But they are important and life-altering, and are not to be entered into lightly. If you are so fortunate as to find the right woman, don't let shallow concerns get in the way, pursue her and see it through. If neither you nor those close to you harbor any serious doubts about her, then marriage is likely the right decision.
Mine sure weren't...
This is really, really good advice. I'm not one of the mail-order bride posse, but marriage in North America is something you want to think LONG AND HARD about. A lot people really shouldn't get married, and suffer horribly as a consquence.
Bump for later reading.
Ping list for the discussion of the politics and social aspects that directly effects Generation Reagan / Generation-X (Those born from 1965-1981) including all the spending previous generations (i.e. The Baby Boomers) are doing that Gen-X and Y will end up paying for.
Freep mail me to be added or dropped. See my home page for details.
Good advice.
If you are a guy and thinkinking about marriage, DO NOT & I repeat DO NOT go to this web page!
http://www.nomarriage.com
People change. And even worse, sometimes they change back.
Very good list. I think I'll pass it out to my psych students.
Excellent article no matter which side of the Bridal Aisle you're on.
so do women, guys...so do women.....
about marriage:.......did you get anything out of the Reagan funeral?
to see two people grow old together and have that much devotion for one another thru the years.....amazing.....
I work with lots of people, many elderly, and I can tell you the happiest people are the ones that have long and loving marriages....
I look at other people our age.....sometimes they live more exciting lives....out to bars and parties....but none of them seem really happy and content....
happy and content will see you through a livetime.....
We come from a long line of "lovers" and longtime married people...on both sides of our family......
I just hope that my children can get thru the mucky-muck of our insane culture and see that true happiness and contentment comes from the committment to fall in love, and stay in love, with that one companion that shares your values.....
But I do feel sorry for young people today.....they are chasing shadows, and they don't even realize it....
just look at who our culture exults.....both male and female...and you can see how difficult it is for them to take the time to find a real companion to love......
Too late, I'm already there.
http://www.americanwomensuck.com
Read about horror stories from men who have been married or dated feminist american women.
I took a look at it. I think the guy who started it must have had a really bad experience, and now has a chip on his shoulder the size of a boulder.
Only if you marry a Republican woman sir.
...are not to be entered into lightly.
DUH! The rats have convinced too many people marriage is some sorta social soiree that you can taxi out of if you don't like one of the songs on it's radio.
Hitting a pothole doesn't mean it's time to ditch the car, it means it time to grab the asphalt and a shovel
And the same warnings should be issued to women, too. ;)
I think Vox Day also forgot one other thing:
Can she cook?
Why marry a woman if the man is the one going to have to cook all the time. Shoot I do that now, and if a wife isn't going to cook then what was the point in even marrying her?
Most of the girls I meet can't cook worth a damn.
I think that's safe to say.
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