Toiletbowl XXXVIII

American Spectator ^ | 02/02/04 | Reid Collins

[Pokey78]

Now, what do all those folks who watch the Super Bowl for the commercials have to say? Wasn't it fun? Especially if the kids were allowed to stay up and watch at least the first half of the game, 'cause that's where the really filthy ones were slotted.

The beer ad with the two dogs was especially cute. A trained dog fetches his master a Bud from the cooler. Beer in hand, the master asks the other fellow what his dog can do. The other fellow's dog obviously bites the first man in the crotch, causing him to toss the beer to the other fellow.

There is the large, jolly African-American man going down a hallway to get a massage, but is lured into a side room full of beer. We see him agonized and screaming in pain as the door closes informing us that he has wandered into the "bikini wax " room by mistake.

They aren't all beer ads, these classics for which we have waited all year. One is a car ad featuring juveniles with bars of soap lodged in their mouths. How this comes about is revealed when a little boy views one of the new cars, mouths the words, "Holy sh--" and is next seen with a bar of soap in his mouth.

There is a chimpanzee, a young man's pet, who puts an arm around the man's girlfriend when the swain has gone for the beer. The primate speaks and suggests they go upstairs, obviously for sex. The swain returns briefly, causing the chimp to withdraw an arm. But the conversation resumes when the swain leaves, the chimp wondering if the intended sex partner has anything against a hairy back.

It isn't all sex. Some is simple scatology. A beautiful wintery scene in the forest. A man and a woman are seated together in a horse-drawn sleigh. The man romantically produces a crystal ball with a lighted candle, then leans to produce some beers from a cooler. At this moment, the gray horse drawing the sleigh lifts its tail high over its back and breaks wind in the woman's face with such force that it blows out the candle and destroys her makeup and hairdo.

The commercial aficionados may have sought relief in a live halftime show featuring P. Diddy and others in a writhing dance accompanied by lyrics that could not be understood in the Western Hemisphere, a combination of rap and rapacity that climaxed when Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake performed a series of gyrations redolent of the chimp commercial and climaxing with Miss Jackson's right breast apparently exposed.

For reasons known only to CBS and the time buyers, the commercials during most of the second half were reasonably tame. There were some appeals to responsibility when drinking, a couple of expensive car ads, some inoffensives for AOL, but no further plays on bestiality, flatulence or painful depilatory episodes. Too bad, for by now the kiddies were in bed. The rectitude of the network had spared them and their elders the pain of watching a commercial with political overtones, the CBS practices regime rejecting such a crass offering.

It is said that the New England Patriots won the game with the Carolina Panthers in the last minute or so, but not by the point spread. Speaking of "spread," did you hear the one about... Sorry. Too much television, I guess.


Reid Collins is a former CBS and CNN news correspondent.

[Gritty]

What more can we expect from the advertising and entertainment (sic) people who adore the likes of bill clinton?

[MudPuppy]

Hubby was watching the SuperBowl while I was in the office playing cards on the computer and daughter was doing a puzzle in the dining room.
When I heard that ED commerical I started yelling wondering if he had flipped channels. But no it was the same channel. That was disgusting just hearing it. I'm glad my grandchildren had gone home and not stayed to watch the game. The commercials and half-time show stunk!

[macrahanish #1]

My favorite was the Willie Nelson doll that gave tax advice.

[N. Theknow]

Watched the halftime show.

If you want to call it that.

Saw a bunch of arm-waving, yellling, screaming kids who got in for free to make a scene in front of the ?singers?

HOWEVER!

While these paid to perform groupies are whooping it up on the field - the camera also shows in the background - the paying customers sitting in stunned silence with "What the Hell are they doing?" looks on their faces.

Meanwhile at home, millions of ?football? fans are sitting in stunned silence with, "What the Hell are they doing?" looks on their faces.

And As usual, some popular name screws up the national anthem by "personalizing" it to suit their desires. (Is there any other country that pays the "pop culture, musical figure of the moment" to go on TV and screw up their national anthem). Has there ever been a boogied up version of O Canada or Rule Britannia before an NHL game or a World Cup match?

[Vision]

Right on

[alnick]

Sickness must run in the Jackson family......

I don't think she did her brother any good at a time that he and his family need to present a wholesome image.

[jeremiah]

It seemed like it may have been an exciting game, but I cannot watch it live. The commercial breaks and the constant intrusion of the reporters-analysts etc, drive me to distraction. I can only hope (I know it will never happen) for a return to the days when the play is the show, not the commercials, and of course the money to be made by the network.

[Piquaboy]

I missed the big boob, must have blinked.

[Utah Binger]

I'm with you on this. I do not believe there is any sport there. Just oversized idiots running up and down the field. Seems like size and possibly speed are the only factors that makes one team better than the other. And why do so many people think the SB is worth watching for the commercials?

[NYer]

When I heard that ED commerical I started yelling wondering if he had flipped channels.

It seems no channel is free of these commercials. Recently, the History Channel has been running another pharmaceutical company's advertisement for a product that treats "genital herpes". It shows a couple sitting in tall grass with very amorous expressions on their faces. Hello! Genitla herpes is an STD for which there is NO cure! Shouldn't that be the message?!

How much lower can we sink as a society?!

[mict42]

Let's see: The audience was one billion people. Now, there aren't one billion people in this country, so, a lot of people in other countries were watching the super bowel. What did they see:
A worshiping of the sport of professional football and the capitalist culture as interpreted by those chosen to entertain us and sell us their wares.
Lessons learned
Homosexuality is normal behavior.(Darwin would love this)
Grabbing one's crouch in public is condoned behavior, especially if you are black and wear your pants around your knees and your poetic sense is ten minutes of steady A B rhyme scheme about sex.
Displaying the female breast as a sex object in family viewing time is customary in a capitalist society.
Comments from the broadcast staff to the affect that " you can't blame him for trying to cheat". That's a great lesson for the youth of the world.
Horses fart at the most romantic of times.
Apes try to date American women.
Some fathers think that they are dogs and chase sticks into the water.
Male sex enhancing drugs are available with a 36 hour window of competent opportunity. Of course, if an erection lasts longer than six hours, you should see a doctor immediately.
This was a wonderful way for the U.S. to spread a little of it's culture to the world, don't you think?

[BenLurkin]

Nobody gets it. Old Ben just got a little too obscure this time. Let's just say that the picutres brought a water balloon to mind.

[Wright is right!]

"As for Janet's tit, don't think it will revive her career."

It's a fake tit, and nothing is a bigger turnoff for me than artificial boobs.

BTW, the moveon.org spot did NOT run on the network feed. Perhaps one or two local affiliates ran the spot in one of the local breaks that fall at the end of each quarter, but it wasn't on the national feed.

Michael

[Wright is right!]

"CBS ran as many promos for their shows as they did ads. Does that mean they were filling space for unpaid-for airtime?"

Probably not. SeeBS is the most promo-happy of the Big Three. Most all of their programming has a very heavy dose of "endless promo." It's at its worst on "Survivor," because some show segments can run pretty long. The payback is that the next commercial break will be very very very long. Last season they had one ep that had a SEVEN MINUTE spot and promo break.

Michael

[Lady Eileen]

bttt

[JohnnyZ]

There is the large, jolly African-American man going down a hallway to get a massage, but is lured into a side room full of beer. (from the article)

He has a name.

but why would someone dress men in briefs and make-up and have them prance around stage during halftime (Janet's Dancers)...and think that is what Football fans want to see?

My friends and I used the occasion to debate who looked more gay, the guys with tank top-things or the guys with no shirts. Tank-top-whatevers won.

[YankeeGirl]

We had 2 families watching. The 7 yr old was totally uninterested in game or commercials. The 12-16 yr olds were suprisingly uninterested in either the pre-game entertainment or the half-time show. My husband was only one who caught glimpse of Janet's boob. We mostly enjoyed the commercials. The kids liked the gassy horse best, but the soap-in-the-mouth was a close second. (My favorite, along with Willy Nelson). I guess we're all going to hell, we always do a pool. Its 50 cents a box, even the dogs get boxes. Most of the kids were following the game this year, not just to see who was winning the pool. (My dog won $5 for the reverse of the final score!) I did think the bare rear-end on the CBS commercial was stupid, but mercifully brief.

Really folks, you know what you're getting into watching this kind of stuff. You can always listen to the radio or hit that mute button or channel changer.

Some of use were in a room with the satellite receiver others were watching with the the antenna. The satellite is about 6-8 seconds behing the antenna. It was interesting listening to one group cheering when the other still hadn't seen the play yet!

[FourPeas]

Sometime during the first half, I literally had to launch myself from our family tradition of snackies in front of the game to turn the TV off. I have NO IDEA what the commercial was advertising, but it featured horrifying monsters snarling and attacking the camera. With 3yo & 5yo in front of the TV, I had to watch the remainder of the first half with the remote in hand, ready to skip all the offensive/scary parts. Thank God for ReplayTV.

[EQAndyBuzz]

I was just reading something about how no one knew this was going to happen. Justin Timberlake called it a "custume malfunction." CBS, MTV or Viacom says it was an accident.
Everyone apologized for the unfortunate incident.

Oh yeah, why did Janet Jackson have a pastie on?

[discostu]

Ahh people gotta lighten up. The "holy sh--" commercial was brilliant.