Kerry Orders Full Speed Ahead!

As the claxons sounded and fires raged above and below decks, Admiral John Forbes Kerry boarded his slow, once invincible battlewagon. Oblivious to the groans of rupturing boilers and a 15º list to starboard, the Admiral orders “Full speed ahead and prepare to engage the enemy!” to an astonished crew.

Kerry had worked all night on a battle plan that befuddled even his most ardent advisors. At first, He boldly played cat-and-mouse with the “Super Dreadnought” Dean but then retired back to Nantucket harbor to “refuel“ and do some windsurfing. Most officers called for aggressive tactics while Kerry chose caution, fearing that harsh attacks would alienate the new voters the “Super Dreadnought” Dean has attracted to the Democratic Party. Kerry dismissed his officers concerns saying that "The Super Dreadnought” would not attack unless we engaged him. In fact, he pooh-poohed reports that the Dean battlefleet had mined Nantucket harbor and were “mooning” their battlewagon!

Officers who spoke on conditions of anonymity said that Kerrys approach to sea battle was based on his river patrol experience in Vietnam. Some have said that he has overloaded his ship with the lavish amenities of a life-long patrician hack. In anycase, Kerry now scans over his rope-fouled decks awash in burning fuel oil and orders full speed ahead. A move that will surely break the vessels keel and send it to the bottom.

As Kerry proceeds in his folly, the DNC Sea Lords are now closely scrutinizing his every move. The “Super Dreadnought” Dean must be sunk at all costs and they banked on Kerry to do the job for them. But the “Super-Super Dreadnought”, Hillary, is nearing completion and hopes are high for her triumphant launch. No matter what fate has in store for Kerry, you can bet the farm that his dress whites will be freshly pressed with razor-sharp creases.

Sink The Bismark - Johnny Horton (I have this on vinyl)

In May of nineteen forty-one the war had just begun
The Germans had the biggest ship that had the biggest guns
The Bismarck was the fastest ship that ever sailed the seas
On her deck were guns as big as steers and shells as big as trees

Out of the cold and foggy night came the British ship the Hood
And ev'ry British seaman, he knew and understood
They had to sink the Bismarck, the terror of the sea
Stop those guns as big as steers and those shells as big as trees

We'll find that German battleship that's makin' such a fuss
We gotta sink the Bismarck cause the world depends on us
Hit the decks a-runnin' boys and spin those guns around
When we find the Bismark we gotta cut her down

The Hood found the Bismarck and on that fatal day
The Bismarck started firin' fifteen miles away
"We gotta sink the Bismarck" was the battle sound
But when the smoke had cleared away, the mighty Hood went down

For six long days and weary nights they tried to find her trail
Churchill told the people "Put ev'ry ship a-sail
'Cause somewhere on that ocean I know she's gotta be
We gotta sink the Bismarck to the bottom of the sea"

We'll find that German battleship that's makin' such a fuss
We gotta sink the Bismarck cause the world depends on us
Hit the decks a-runnin' boys and spin those guns around
When we find the Bismarck we gotta cut her down

The fog was gone the seventh day and they saw the mornin' sun
Ten hours away from homeland the Bismarck made its run
The admiral of the British fleet said "Turn those bows around
We found that German battleship and we're gonna cut her down"

The British guns were aimed and the shells were comin' fast
The first shell hit the Bismarck, they knew she couldn't last
That mighty German battleship is just a memory
"Sink the Bismarck" was the battle cry that shook the seven seas

We found that German battleship was makin' such a fuss
We had to sink the Bismarck 'cause the world depends on us
We hit the deck a-runnin' and we spun those guns around
Yeah, we found the mighty Bismarck and then we cut her down

We found that German battleship was makin' such a fuss
We had to sink the Bismarck 'cause the world depends on us
We hit the deck a-runnin' and we spun those guns around
We found the mighty Bismarck and then we cut her down

Meanwhile, back on the pier, the Ship's Storekeeper is arguing with the ensign in charge of Supply...

"Sir, why did you order 17 pallets of Heinz Ketchup?"

"Ketchup is good for the men, Petty Officer. Ketchup sandwiches, Ketchup in Baked Beans, Ketchup in Meatloaf. Ketchup in everything!"

"Well, sir. Where do we store it all? We don't have the room for this."

"I think we could have a contest among teh men. Who can come up with the best Ketchup-based recipes, and every day of the next cruise, we can sample a recipe. It's a wonderful idea, and will really boost morale among the men."

"Whatever you say sir."

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