Funny Stories that will make you feel like a Genius.

email | 05-23-03 | 4mycountry

[4mycountry]

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

----

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.

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Recently, a man went to McDonald's and saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. He asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?"

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right."

So the man shook his head and ordered six McNuggets.

----

A lady was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind her put her things on the belt close to hers.

She picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between their things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of the items, she picked up the "Divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she asked the lady, "Do you know how much this is?", and the lady said to her, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "OK" and the woman paid her for the things and left.

The girl had no clue what had just happened.

----

A policeman recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" he asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"

“Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" the cop asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to him.

As he took the key and manually unlocked the door, he replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

----

Several years ago, a company had an Intern who was none too swift.

One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

[Carlucci]

My buddy is ordering pizza and wants to make sure he has enough for everyone.

He asks the clerk, "How many slices do you get with a medium?

Answer: "Eight".

Then he asks, "Well, how many slices do you get with a large?

Answer: "Eight".

"Then why would anyone ever want to order a large and pay MORE?!", he replies indignantly.

[pops88]

When I was in nursing school, a fellow student tried unsuccessfully to ambulate her patient. The patient was a double amputee. The student was subsequently kicked out of school.

[Coleus]

That's funny, LOL, so much for taking out the subject "civics" from the School curriculum.

About 5 yrs. ago, I was working the polls in an elementary school and a teacher came down with her 1st-grade class and showed them the voting booth and how to vote.

[supercat]

He didn't know what the meaning of the word 'is' is.

Do you know the opposite of "if"?

[jim_trent]

Many years ago, I was out drinking one Friday night with friends. Much later than I should have, I walked out the door to ride home on my motorcycle. A Matchless G-80CS 500cc thumper. I got on the bike, straightened it up (the spring on the kickstand automatically retracted it), then I put both feet on the pegs and turned the throttle.

I wondered why I didn't go and pondered it for a while while the bike fell over. I had forgotten to kick start it. Minor oversight. A while later (I'm not sure how much later), my friends came out and lifted the bike off me (it weighed about 450#). They helped me start it and waved as I rode off. I made it home, but decided after that, if I was going to get drunk, I wouldn't take a bike.

BTW, the City is constructing a "traffic circle" about a block from that bar now. If it would have been there back then, I would probably still be trying to get home.

[Tunehead54]

Do you know the opposite of "if"?

---

When. ;-)

[irishtenor]

I ask them if they accept "Hawaiian money". They usually say that they don't. Then I show them.

[JLO]

"Said I didn't really have a recipe. Just throw split peas, ham, etc. in the pot. A few days later she said she had bought 4 cans of peas to make the soup and wow, those peas are hard to split!"

LOL - thanks for a good laugh! She didn't REALLY, did she? Please tell me she was just joshin. I find this story waaaay too funny!

The Omission statement story was a good one too, but I guess I can maybe relate a little too much with that one, lol ;-)

[irishtenor]

What I hate are those computer stores that ask to see your receipt before leaving. I tell them that since I already paid for it, it is now my property and they have no business looking at it.

[Oorang]

Yes, she was serious. She was a very nice person, but, none too bright.

[JLO]

Oh! I'm laughing again all over again! How in the world did you ever keep a straight face? Or couldn't you? I would have busted out loud laughing, I think. Or at least giggled to myself, while trying to explain about those split peas. How did you ever respond? Sorry, I'm laughing too hard to ask any more about it!

[Oorang]

I'm glad you are having a good Friday evening chuckle. If I remember correctly (this happened about 10 years ago) I kept a straight face because I didn't want to hurt her feelings and told her there were dried split peas with the dried beans in the grocery store. She never looked down that isle because she didn't know what to do with dried beans.

She was always nervous about backing up her computer. Thought it would "magically" delete files.

One weekend she and her son went for a drive "in the country" and stopped at a farm produce stand. She bought a dozen fresh eggs. The next morning she was going to scramble some eggs but the yolks were so dark (deep yellow/orange) she was sure they were bad and she pitched the entire dozen. I told her that was because they were from real healthy farm chickens. She never bought "real" eggs again. She was an endless source of entertainment.

[petuniasevan]

Same CJs, different day. Lunch time on a work day. I enter and start to give my order. The young man says, the computers are down, we can't take your order. I said, I have a suggestion. Write down what I order with the price next to the item. Total up the prices add the tax and I'll pay it. On paper you can subtract what I owe from what I give you and that will be my change. At the end of the day, add up the pieces of paper against the money in the registers. Answer: we don't know how to do that.

Yeesh.

Know what's really scary about this? Each bozo like this one has the same vote as you and I do.

[breakem]

And it's not just the youngsters. There are managers there supposedly training them.

[JLO]

Now stop,it ok? You're too much! LOL!

[Savage Beast]

At the doctors' entrance to a large hospital, a doctor found that the code to open the door wouldn't work. He rang for the hospital operator, who could open the door from her switchboard on the other side of the hospital. "Can I help you?" her voice asked. "I've come to rape and plunder," he shouted. The door opened.

[Nightshift]

PING

[Savage Beast]

At a local museum, "World War I" is written above the door to one room and "World War II" above the door to an adjacent room. A public school teacher, taking her class on a field trip, was heard to tell them: "In this room is all about World War One, and in the other room is all about World War Eleven."

[Savage Beast]

One day, I drove to a nearby town but forgot to bring my wallet. Sure enough, I ran into a police roadblock. A young policeman asked to see my drivers license.

"I don't have it with me," I said. "I left my wallet at home."

Do you have any identification?" he asked me.

"No," I said.

"Do you have any official papers with you?" he asked.

I said, "No, I don't have anything with me, not even any money."

He looked puzzled. "I don't know what to do," he said.

"Well look at it like this," I said. "I've got an honest face, don't I?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Well, why don't you just let me go on?" I said.

He thought for a moment and said, "Well okay. But you're really supposed to carry your drivers license with you."

I thanked him and drove on.

[Lawgvr1955]

Recently at a convenience store I bought a small item with a five dollar bill. As the young cashier gave me my change, I kept my hand out as she put the coins and ones into it. Instead of stopping at the four ones, because my hand was still out she kept putting ones into it. I guess she was unsure of her math. After she put eight ones into my hand I stopped her, gave her the extras and told her she had given me too many. Reminded me of the old joke of asking for two tens for a five. Keep repeating until rich. I think its possible to do with the uneducated dolts working these days.