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Spread a Little on Me ( Stupid baby names)
http://www.misanthropic-bitch.com/briandrye.html ^

Posted on 02/14/2003 11:27:55 AM PST by Hillary's Lovely Legs

In a previous article, I introduced three members of my family: Brianna, Brianna's mother and Brianna's still-baking sibling.

After learning that my aunt intended to name a female infant "Taylor Jade," I gave my opinion of the name.

"What a wonderful name, I exclaimed, for a future professional hooker! If you want your daughter to augment her breasts and slurp other things in lieu of water, stick with that name."

A look of horror washed across my aunt's face, and she left. To her credit, she didn't stick with that name. To my amusement, she went with one even worse.

It's a girl!

Huh? Wha? It's 2 a.m. What's a girl?

I had a girl! Isn't that great?

Who the heck is this?

It's your aunt, and I had a girl!

Huh? Oh, Taylor Jade made her arrival?

We decided on a new name.

Well, bully for you.

We settled on "Riley"!

Oh, God, Riley is so trashy. Why don’t you just hand her over to the porn industry to raise? Because when I think of Riley, especially with your last name, I think, "How much does she charge?"

That’s awful. That’s a really rotten thing to say. Besides, we’re spelling it R-Y-L-E-E. That makes it classier.

Oh, sure, if the class you’re trying to rise above thinks a double-wide trailer is luxurious. Don’t you know there’s a direct correlation between extraneous "y"’s in a kid’s name and the number of laws they’ll violate? And what’s with the "-ee"? How cutesy is that?

You can be really rotten sometimes.

I know, it’s a gift. I’m just trying to save the kid some pain. There’s a cardinal rule in naming kids, and it is "Thou shall not mix ethnicities." Rylee sounds Irish. Your surname is LeManne. Rylee LeManne. It’s like me being Rosita Connelly. It’s not allowed.

But I’m all about the nicknames. You know that. I named Brianna "Brianna" because I like "Bri" for a nickname. I picked "Rylee" because "Ry" is so damn cute.

Jesus Christ. Bri and Ry? Like cheese and bread? You’re naming your kids after cheese and bread?

Well, I never thought of it like that.

You should have. It’s perfect for an incestuous lesbian stage show, though. "The Incestuous Lesbian Duo, Bread and Cheese LeManne." What’s the tagline going to be? "Hey, Bri, come over here and spread some on me?"

*click*

That's the last time I try to help a family member.

But my aunt isn't alone in doling out cutesy or "unique" names to her living accessories. It's a nationwide trend.

With society churning out Columbine Borg at a rapid pace, naming a child is one of the few remaining acceptable outlets for individuality. We want our kids to conform because conformity is the glue that holds society together. But giving them a name that no one ever thought to bestow upon a child -- Dysmenorrhea, for example -- allows parents to demonstrate some level of non-conformity.

Of course, buying a child a chemistry set and encouraging the exploration of the wonderful world of chemicals is far less embarrassing than saddling a child with the name "Cannon."

Along with creative names come creative spellings. Maybe the parents weren't clever enough to invent a name. Maybe they liked the sound of a traditional name, but they still wanted their child to have a leg up on the Lakens and Teagans.

But does spelling matter when the teacher calls on Julie, Jullee, Jewlee, Julliee and Julye?

"Rylee" is but one example of misspelled monikers. Traditional names become undecipherable.

Mayghan? Is it pronounced like the more traditional "Megan"? Or May-ghan? May-gun? My-gun? How can anyone tell in a country brimming with Brinleys, Hollyns and Kestins? Where Matthew becomes "Matthue," a too-trendy Carson becomes "Karsyn" and an overdone Taylor transforms into "Teighlor"?

Then there are the parents who completely lack creativity. They give rise to the Trumans, Willows, Xanders, Dawsons and Dharmas. They're television or movie addicts, and a name that fits a fictional character will surely fit their snookums.

And the stranger the name or spelling, the more apt the parents are to eschew discipline.

During finals, I escaped to the local public library to study. Libraries are quiet, or so I've heard.

Fifteen minutes into studying, a book fell on the floor. Again and again, a book fell on the floor. I got up to see who the klutz was, and it was none other than an adorable female toddler.

She purposely threw the book on the floor. Again and again. After five minutes of that, and perhaps noticing annoyance on the faces of other people, the mother half-heartedly attempted to discipline her angel.

"Kinsey, stop it. Stop it, Kinsey. Please, Mommy is trying to read, Kinsey."

What the heck? Kinsey? Like the Kinsey Institute? Either Mommy is kinky or stupid.

My vote was on the latter because for 20 minutes, Kinsey entertained the library with her antics.

I doubt a Jennifer would do that, but I bet a Jenypher would.


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KEYWORDS: hogg
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To: mbynack
Dale Earnhart wrote a letter telling someone about the "10 reasons I like being Dale Earnhart". My favorite was "At least my name isn't Dick Trickle."
Last year the pitching coach for the Cleveland Indians was named Dick Pole.

-Eric

61 posted on 02/14/2003 11:55:38 AM PST by E Rocc (some people should use "Richard", "Rich", or even "Rick".)
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs; amom; Alamo-Girl
Years and years ago I was working as a file clerk in a hospital. I PROMISE you I'm not making this up.

The parents of a sweet new little baby girl was named "PLACENTA" because the mother thought it sounded so pretty. It didnt matter that the nurses told her what the word meant, the mother replied that she liked the sound of it and no one she knew would know what it meant.
62 posted on 02/14/2003 11:56:25 AM PST by TEXOKIE (Praise God it isnt algore in the White House! Now, if we could just persuade W to tighten the border)
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To: mbynack
There is a checkout girl at Value City in the Bergen County Mall, Paramus, NJ, whose name is "LaTrina."
63 posted on 02/14/2003 11:56:36 AM PST by ladylib
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
Naming girls after virtues is just asking for it. Chastity will be a slut, Faith will worship satan, Charity will be a greedy Rebulican, LOL!
64 posted on 02/14/2003 11:56:38 AM PST by T Minus Four
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
Well - I knew a girl in school who's last name was Belcher. Now, it doesn't matter what you put with it, that last name is gonna be the bane of your existence.

I don't think Riley is THAT bad of a name - at least I haven't heart it 100,000,000 times, but Madison and Taylor, Tyler, etc. all make me wanna PUKE.

65 posted on 02/14/2003 11:56:54 AM PST by deziner (I always wanted to be a chicken. Do you think God could turn me into a chicken?)
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
I doubt a Jennifer would do that, but I bet a Jenypher would.

I know someone who spells it: Genyphyr

66 posted on 02/14/2003 11:56:54 AM PST by Johnny Gage (God Bless our Military, God Bless President George W. Bush and God Bless America!)
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To: deziner
heard, not heart. Valentine's on the brain
67 posted on 02/14/2003 11:57:19 AM PST by deziner (I always wanted to be a chicken. Do you think God could turn me into a chicken?)
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
Since everyone is critiqing(sp) baby names...maybe everyone would like to give me an opinion on the name we have have picked for our baby boy due in June.

Tristan Malcolm Fraser Blaylock

I told his Mom that he would have to defend Tristan on the playground one day and she said..."With you as his dad he will have to defend being a Republican at age 5...the name will be the least of his worries"
68 posted on 02/14/2003 11:57:24 AM PST by Ga Rob ("Concensus is the ABSENSE of Leadership" The Iron Lady)
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To: coder2
I knew a couple who named their boy Justin Tyme

An ex-girlfriend's niece was named Amanda Lynn (sounds like 'a mandolin'). Not the worst offender, could even have been accidental. Sorry, that's the best I know of personally. Though I have heard of Ima and Ura Belcher.

69 posted on 02/14/2003 11:57:33 AM PST by TrappedInLiberalHell (Let's Iraq and Roll!)
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
I just heard about a woman whose name is Cherry Mary. How would you like to be in High School with that name?
70 posted on 02/14/2003 11:57:47 AM PST by TroutStalker
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
I know a 12 year old named Zepplin, as in Led Zepplin-had a mohawk/mullett thing going. How many years before he hits the trailer park/prison?
71 posted on 02/14/2003 11:58:21 AM PST by Oystir
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
My buddy is going to be a father (again) shortly. His wife is picking out a name, and he said she could name the little darling anything she wanted as long as the child will not be required to spell it each time he gives his name.
72 posted on 02/14/2003 11:58:32 AM PST by Junior (The New World Order stole your tag line)
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To: harpseal
Morgan is another one.
73 posted on 02/14/2003 11:58:36 AM PST by ladylib
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To: Paradox
Sigh, I did just that with my baby boy. I combined and Irish first name (Gavin) with a Spanish last name... oh well, at least I spelled it right..

It worked out for Eamon DeVelera.

74 posted on 02/14/2003 11:58:53 AM PST by Slainte
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To: T Minus Four
LOL There is a girl at my in my daughter's grade at school who's name is Chastity. And guess what - you can tell she is gonna be um, shall we say, easy?
75 posted on 02/14/2003 11:58:54 AM PST by deziner (I always wanted to be a chicken. Do you think God could turn me into a chicken?)
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
The Hogg sisters from NC...Ima and Yora.
76 posted on 02/14/2003 12:00:24 PM PST by stuartcr
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To: gov_bean_ counter
"I knew a Candi Kane, I kid you not. "

ROFL! I can match that and raise you a "Candy Kiss."
77 posted on 02/14/2003 12:00:29 PM PST by TEXOKIE (Praise God it isnt algore in the White House! Now, if we could just persuade W to tighten the border)
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To: WaveThatFlag
I went to school with Jackie Stone who married Bill Roller. Her name became Jackie Stone Roller.
78 posted on 02/14/2003 12:00:32 PM PST by ladylib
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To: Hillary's Lovely Legs
I was at school with Theresa Green...
79 posted on 02/14/2003 12:00:38 PM PST by 2oakes (US citizen, ex-brit, and VERY glad of it)
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To: Ga Rob
One thing you have to ask yourself- will "Tristan" go the way of Shirley- a former boy's name that is now a girl's name? I like Malcolm, though.
80 posted on 02/14/2003 12:00:55 PM PST by LWalk18
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