Posted on 02/14/2003 11:27:55 AM PST by Hillary's Lovely Legs
In a previous article, I introduced three members of my family: Brianna, Brianna's mother and Brianna's still-baking sibling.
After learning that my aunt intended to name a female infant "Taylor Jade," I gave my opinion of the name.
"What a wonderful name, I exclaimed, for a future professional hooker! If you want your daughter to augment her breasts and slurp other things in lieu of water, stick with that name."
A look of horror washed across my aunt's face, and she left. To her credit, she didn't stick with that name. To my amusement, she went with one even worse.
It's a girl!
Huh? Wha? It's 2 a.m. What's a girl?
I had a girl! Isn't that great?
Who the heck is this?
It's your aunt, and I had a girl!
Huh? Oh, Taylor Jade made her arrival?
We decided on a new name.
Well, bully for you.
We settled on "Riley"!
Oh, God, Riley is so trashy. Why don’t you just hand her over to the porn industry to raise? Because when I think of Riley, especially with your last name, I think, "How much does she charge?"
That’s awful. That’s a really rotten thing to say. Besides, we’re spelling it R-Y-L-E-E. That makes it classier.
Oh, sure, if the class you’re trying to rise above thinks a double-wide trailer is luxurious. Don’t you know there’s a direct correlation between extraneous "y"’s in a kid’s name and the number of laws they’ll violate? And what’s with the "-ee"? How cutesy is that?
You can be really rotten sometimes.
I know, it’s a gift. I’m just trying to save the kid some pain. There’s a cardinal rule in naming kids, and it is "Thou shall not mix ethnicities." Rylee sounds Irish. Your surname is LeManne. Rylee LeManne. It’s like me being Rosita Connelly. It’s not allowed.
But I’m all about the nicknames. You know that. I named Brianna "Brianna" because I like "Bri" for a nickname. I picked "Rylee" because "Ry" is so damn cute.
Jesus Christ. Bri and Ry? Like cheese and bread? You’re naming your kids after cheese and bread?
Well, I never thought of it like that.
You should have. It’s perfect for an incestuous lesbian stage show, though. "The Incestuous Lesbian Duo, Bread and Cheese LeManne." What’s the tagline going to be? "Hey, Bri, come over here and spread some on me?"
*click*
That's the last time I try to help a family member.
But my aunt isn't alone in doling out cutesy or "unique" names to her living accessories. It's a nationwide trend.
With society churning out Columbine Borg at a rapid pace, naming a child is one of the few remaining acceptable outlets for individuality. We want our kids to conform because conformity is the glue that holds society together. But giving them a name that no one ever thought to bestow upon a child -- Dysmenorrhea, for example -- allows parents to demonstrate some level of non-conformity.
Of course, buying a child a chemistry set and encouraging the exploration of the wonderful world of chemicals is far less embarrassing than saddling a child with the name "Cannon."
Along with creative names come creative spellings. Maybe the parents weren't clever enough to invent a name. Maybe they liked the sound of a traditional name, but they still wanted their child to have a leg up on the Lakens and Teagans.
But does spelling matter when the teacher calls on Julie, Jullee, Jewlee, Julliee and Julye?
"Rylee" is but one example of misspelled monikers. Traditional names become undecipherable.
Mayghan? Is it pronounced like the more traditional "Megan"? Or May-ghan? May-gun? My-gun? How can anyone tell in a country brimming with Brinleys, Hollyns and Kestins? Where Matthew becomes "Matthue," a too-trendy Carson becomes "Karsyn" and an overdone Taylor transforms into "Teighlor"?
Then there are the parents who completely lack creativity. They give rise to the Trumans, Willows, Xanders, Dawsons and Dharmas. They're television or movie addicts, and a name that fits a fictional character will surely fit their snookums.
And the stranger the name or spelling, the more apt the parents are to eschew discipline.
During finals, I escaped to the local public library to study. Libraries are quiet, or so I've heard.
Fifteen minutes into studying, a book fell on the floor. Again and again, a book fell on the floor. I got up to see who the klutz was, and it was none other than an adorable female toddler.
She purposely threw the book on the floor. Again and again. After five minutes of that, and perhaps noticing annoyance on the faces of other people, the mother half-heartedly attempted to discipline her angel.
"Kinsey, stop it. Stop it, Kinsey. Please, Mommy is trying to read, Kinsey."
What the heck? Kinsey? Like the Kinsey Institute? Either Mommy is kinky or stupid.
My vote was on the latter because for 20 minutes, Kinsey entertained the library with her antics.
I doubt a Jennifer would do that, but I bet a Jenypher would.
Mine was Dr. Proffit. Go figure. :)
Saints, people. Saints and ancestors are the only acceptable names for white and black children, the only ones with dignity, the only ones that make them sound like human beings instead of soap opera characters or racehorses. Johann. Candace. Lars. Cecilia. Mary. Martin. Anne. Isabelle. Franklin. Marguerite. Malcolm. Pierre. Joan. Sidney. Alfred. Deborah. These are names with dignity and character and a real connection to the past! Use them!
This crap has gone too far. We are becoming a nation of people with stupid names. When was the last time you met a black child named Calvin or Michelle? When was the last time you met a white child named Marie or Gretchen? No, it's always Quashandria or Calliope or DaMarr or Kylissa or something even more meaningless and stupid!
For the love of Pete, folks -- name your kids something decent, huh?
And, as of this season a new little girl named Condoleeza.
I can add a Dick Foote and a Dick Anglin to that list.
I work with a guy named Rusty Nipple, no it is not a nickname, yes, I asked!
My sister's daughter is Lacey Sonoma...like she has a career decision to make!
and how can I forget Miss Candy Cotton?
As a caseworker (many moons ago), she had a client who named their children (and I'll have to do this phonetically, you'll understand why in a bit) Goh-narya and Sifal-les.
When my wife told me this, I gave her the classic crooked head puppy dog look. "Arrough?" (my Scooby-Doo questioning sound)
She repeated the names.
I still looked like a deer-in-headlights.
She said she asked the client was asked why she came up with those names for her children.
"Oh, I saw them on a sign, and I liked the way they looked."
My wife's jaw dropped. "Where did you see the sign?"
Matter of factly, the client answered, "At the doctor's office."
Realization was beginning to dawn on me when my wife politely spelled the names for me: Gonorrhea and Syphilis.
I said what I always say when something unfathomably stupid comes my way: "Just damn."
"Hold muh beer 'n watch this!" PING....
If you want on or off this list, please let me know!
I have a Jewish first name and an Irish last name. And I'm neither Jewish nor Catholic, that's just the way the cookie crumbled.
Then there was my fifth grade teacher who named her son 'Richard', a fine name unless your surname is 'Head'.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.