Talking to girls about what their clothes say

Megan Cutter, who is 10, likes tight Capri pants, high-heeled flip-flops, T-shirts that say "Princess" or "Brat," and clothes with glitter, plenty of glitter. "I think it's really pretty, and it gets you attention," she says. "I like attention."
This may be what Megan likes to wear. It is not, however, what she is allowed to wear.
"My mom and I have worked out some compromises," she says: one pair of blue pants that have some glitter on them; a T-shirt her dad bought that says "Smart, Cute" on the front and "Athlete. Who says you can't have it all?" on the back; and a couple of spaghetti-strap tops. Gone are the few shirts that expose her tummy. "I got tired of them," she says.
For Megan, clothes are the dividing line between nerdy and cool, a kind of social currency that helps her navigate the difficult preteen social scene. For her parents, they are a whole lot more. "Clothes send messages," says Megan's mom, Lynn. "Girls don't always understand their implications."

Hoping to jump-start conversations about those messages, Cutter, who is one of Megan's Girl Scout leaders, helped arrange for Junior Troop 65 to wear -- just briefly -- the clothes girls covet. A behind-the-scenes mall tour included a fashion show where girls could choose their favorite clothes to model. Megan made a beeline for a short skirt and a shirt that exposes some tummy. "It was fun to wear them," she says.
Fun, of course, is hardly the word a typical parent would use to describe them. Sexy is more like it.

"Most parents are never quite ready for their daughter to become a sexual being," says psychologist Norine Johnson, of Quincy, Mass. They are even less ready when a girl is 9 or 10. "Girls are coming to this two to three years younger than they used to," says Johnson. "The culture today makes the clothes very desirable, and the clothes make sexuality very obvious."
Johnson, who specializes in preteen and adolescent girls, is the author of "Beyond Appearance: A New Look at Adolescent Girls" (American Psychological Association, 464 pages, $39.95).

Panicked parents tend to institute zero-tolerance policies that often backfire.
"Making rules without discussion or consideration of a girl's feelings is asking for trouble, a guarantee for rebellion," says Nancy Gruber, publisher of New Moon magazine, intended for girls 8 to 14. She hears from girls who leave home in the morning wearing a sweat shirt over a tube top only to stuff the sweat shirt in their lockers when they get to school. Once a girl is sneaking clothes, says Gruber, it isn't much of a leap to be sneaky about more serious things.

Girls begin to get messages about clothing as young as 4 and 5, when they dress up as a princess. At first, they just want to be "pretty." By 6 or 7, when they dress up as Britney Spears, they want to be "sexy."
"Not sexy as in wanting a sexual experience, but sexy as in wanting attention. Even at this age, they see that clothing is a way to get attention," says psychologist Sharon Lamb, a professor at St. Michael's College in Vermont and author of "The Secret Lives of Girls" (Free Press, 255 pages, $46).

They want not just attention, but also power. "What parents don't understand is that there is power in dressing like Britney," says Johnson. "Britney is a celebrity. She has status. To dress like her gives a girl the power of identification with that celebrity status. To just say no to the clothes runs the risk of shutting down feelings of powerfulness."
As soon as a daughter shows interest, the advice for parents is to begin a dialogue that hopefully will last for years. Lamb says the first message to send is that being sexy is one of many ways for females to get noticed. "For parents to deny this is to compromise your influence," she says.

The second message is that it's not the only way to get attention. "Ask your daughter, 'What other ways do you have of being recognized, of feeling powerful?'" says Harriet Mosatche, author of "Girls: What's So Bad About Being Good?" (Prima, 256 pages, $12.95). She is also director of program development for the Girl Scouts of America.

The third message is that she has a right to wear whatever she wants, but with that right comes responsibility. Lamb says, "A girl needs to know that, depending on what she wears, she may be read differently than how she means to be read."
Gruber urges parents not to just say no to clothing without first saying, "Tell me what you like about it." What's most important is not any specific item, but the reason a girl wants to wear it. "If she's choosing to attract sexual attention, that needs one kind of conversation," she says. "If she's feeling marginalized by peers, it needs another. And if it's because she thinks an outfit is comfortable or fun, well, that's something else, too."

I remember when I was in high school I was always bucking the dress code, which was strictly enforced then. I got sent home a few times for having my skirts too short (1 1/2 inches above the knee was the rule). My mom would always make sure when she made my clothes that they were the "proper" length. As soon as she would leave for work the next morning, I would hem them before I went to school. On one trip to the dean's office I remember her trying to explain to me how it distracted the boys so they couldn't keep their minds on their work. Of course, that was also at a time when the schools still thought education was their job.

When my daughter was a teenager, there was a slightly different problem. Most of the girls in high school either dressed like tramps or slobs. My daughter was very fashion conscious but she never seemed to quite grasp that there is a fine line between tastefully attractive and too revealing. Fortunately, she tended most of the time to do alright, but there was always that compulsory rebellion factor to deal with.

I think in the context of today's lack of morality it is very difficult to teach girls about the messages they send in their manner of dress, but that makes it all the more important to make the effort.

She can wear whatever she want if she come work for Dr Dakmar.

< /sleazy idiot persona off >

On a serious note, I am concerned about the effort the mainstream media seems to be focusing in their effort to convince everyone, especially children, that gratuitous sex is the key to happiness.

At ten, eleven, twelve.... girls have no real idea what being sexually provocative means. The burden is on parents to guide them. Sadly, this isn't happening, because so many parents seem incapable of understanding what parenting includes.

It seems that many parents are more concerned than their children are about the kids being popular and fitting in with their peers-and worrying about what the other parents will think if they appear too strict. The girls who are dressing unsuitably sure aren't buying the outfits with their own money.

Johnson, who specializes in preteen and adolescent girls, is the author of "Beyond Appearance: A New Look at Adolescent Girls" (American Psychological Association, 464 pages, $39.95).

I've got a book for sale called "Common Sense for Parents" (Free Republic, 2 pages, $1.95)...

On a serious note, I am concerned about the effort the mainstream media seems to be focusing in their effort to convince everyone, especially children, that gratuitous sex is the key to happiness

I normally avoid watching commercials but I saw one recently that was laden with sexual content, inuendo and nudity. The commercial was aired in the midst of a very lewd and revealing situation "drama" (and I only saw about 2 minutes of the show) during prime time.

Have we forgotten how impressionable young people are?

The girls who are dressing unsuitably sure aren't buying the outfits with their own money.

That's very true. Parents have the control if they'll only realize it. The one who has the money has the control unless they turn it over. You should never give 12 year old money to pick out their own clothes if they can't think independently from their peers.

The other good thing about parents controlling the way their kids dress is when they dress a certain way, they fit in with a certain social group. You help them meet the right kind of friends if you make sure they are dressed appropriately. If they dress like whores, they'll be in that same group.

This is a very important point. A young girl may see Britney as "cool" but not "sexy." Parents need to point out the differences, and that other people (eg, boys) may see something the girl isn't meaning to say.

My daughter and I had several talks on this vein when she was young. It took time and effort, and (for me) sidetracks into morality, being Christ-like, understanding lust vs. love, etc.

While I didn't like all her clothes, she learned to wear things attractive, not slutty, and grew up to be a fine wife and mother. I'd say the effort paid off, and I would strongly encourage all parents to make the effort.

It's true... often girls just don't "get it" that boys think differently and react differently to clothing styles than other girls do. Their message receptor translates into their own language and does not interpret the messenger's intended message if it's any more complicated than "sexy" or "not as sexy."
My parents had my sisters and me watch Summer of '42 so we could learn what boys really are always thinking about.... Oh. That. Always.

This one was only running on the ragged edge of silly until I hit this gem. How can a girl from ages 9-16 "take responsibility" for the fact that some pedophile pervert might kidnap her and brutalize her to death if he sees her in a "sexy" skirt.

I'd rather have my daughter become a rebellious 20 year old than to carve on her tombstone at age 12, "Here lies a girl who had a good relationship with her father."

I'm probably going to compromise my Christian image with this next line, but when I read stuff like that the term "sh** for brains" seems to be a step up for some people. Shalom.

Have we forgotten how impressionable young people are?

If you read this article you get the message that a 10 year old is ready to "take responsibility" for the "message she is sending" to a pedophile who might kidnap her and brutalize her to death. How do we get her to take that responsibility? Should we sit her down and say, "You know, Sissy, that if you wear that some perverted freak might kidnap you and sexually brutalize you until you're dead. When that happens, Mommy and Daddy don't want to have to pay the funeral expenses. So if you wear those clothes, we will reduce your allowance by a little each week and put it in a Sissy Funeral Fund. Is that OK with you?

I would ask "How stupid can people be?" but everytime I ask I get more depressed by the answer.

Shalom.

The moron cited in the article can't possibly have any children.......at least I hope not.

Totally unrelated, but one of my best friends wrote a very comprehensive book about the Civil War, based on hand-written on-site journals kept by a Union Army Captain. The book is a treasure and as a result of my friend's research, provided conclusive evidence that changed the exact location of a Civil War battle.

My point is this; it has been a 5 year process to bring this book to print because the "elite" editors think it should be altered. One example is a chapter that quotes Captain Otto's handwritten account of a particularly bloody battle. The editor wanted it synopsized into 3 or 4 pages. Akin to synopsizing an eyewitness report into a 1 page brief.

My only point is that publishers fall all over themselves rushing the tripe noted in the article, to the printer. It would be interesting to note the profile of the purchasers of the author's book.

If a child is really feeling "marginalized by her peers" for not wearing raunchy outfits, this isn't a signal to her parents that they need to "have a conversation" with her; it's a signal that they need to ensure that she gets a new set of peers-- whether that means private school, home school, moving to a different neighborhood, direct assistance by parents in getting the child accepted into a new peer group in the existing environment, etc.

A couple of years ago, some psychologist made a big splash with a book claiming to prove that parents have little effect on how a child grows up, and that it's really the child's peers that have most of the determining effect. The assertion is probably largely true, except for one HUGE oversight: responsible parents exercise control (100% if necessary) over who their child's peer group is.

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