Why do men cheat on their wives?

Ask Dr Gaylen ^

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

do  Why Do Men Cheat on Their Wives?

QUESTION:  

My husband is very much a flirt. Because of this as well as numerous other reasons, I think my husband is having an affair. I don?t think I am lust being paranoid. Please give me some help in understanding why men cheat, because I don?t think it is just me.   

  ANSWER:  

Your dilemma is one that is all too common. You are probably right when you say that it is not ?just me.?  It takes two to make a marriage or break a   marriage, and it takes two to have an affair. The fact that he has always been ?a flirt? suggests that, at one time, he was that way with you. You probably responded in a way that made him feel special, wanted, and needed, and reinforced his flirting behavior. This ties in with

 the first and main reason why men have affairs: to feed  their ego. The problem with us males is that feeling good about ourselves, or meeting our ?ego needs,? is our primary goal in life. Therefore, the first reason why men get involved in affairs is that it feeds their egos.

   The second reason is what we call ?misplaced anger.? For example lets consider the husband who is really mad at his wife for whatever reason. He may have an affair with some other woman as a way of making his wife ?pay. ? Instead of directing his anger toward her (which he may be afraid to do), or expressing the anger in a way that will help the relationship change, he just has sex with some other woman This action then feeds his ego (because someone else wants him), so he now feels good (physically and emotionally) and he doesn?t feel as angry with his wife. In his anger, he has made her pay.

   The third reason why men have affairs is boredom. The Bible (Proverbs 9:1 7) tells us  ?stolen melons are the sweetest,  stolen apples taste the best.?  In modem times this means that the ?grass is greener on the other side of the fence.? ?If I don?t have enough excitement in my life, I will create some.?

5 Reasons Why Men Cheat
on Their Wives

       1.  LOSS OF EGO
             A man?s primary need is to feel good about
             himself.  When he doesn?t he finds ways to
             meet this primary goal .

       2.   MISPLACED ANGER
              He may be angry at his wife but, rather
              than  deal with problem, he has an affair to
              ? make her pay?  

        3.   BOREDOM 
              Affairs are rarely boring; they tend to be
              exciting and full of life. Even the fear of
              getting caught causes excitement.  

        4.   ESCAPE FROM EMOTIONAL PAIN  
              The male sex drive provides a distraction
               or ?vacation? from emotional pain.  

      5.   NEED FOR NURTURE & INTIMACY
               If these needs are being met, men have
               no need to look elsewhere

 Children who are raised in alcoholic homes, for example, become what we refer to as ?adult children of alcoholics.? One key characteristic is that they become easily bored with life should it become too ?stable.?  
Children in alcoholic homes are raised with nothing being stable. As adults, they are then more comfortable in an unstable environment than in a stable one. This is why they become ?bored? and actually create chaos - because it is what is most familiar or comfortable to them. We all tend to repeat our past, whether that is a positive past or a negative past. If it was unstable then, we feel most comfortable in creating an unstable one now. 

The fourth reason why men have affairs is to escape emotional pain. Our sex drive is the second strongest drive within us -second only to self-preservation. Sex therefore can easily be used as a strong distraction from some emotional pain we do not want to feel. Few things in life are more intense than fulfilling this sex drive with a climax or orgasm. For this reason, a man can use sex as a way to distract him from emotional pain, like problems at home or work. It feels good to him physically, and he gets a vacation from the rest of his feelings of hurt and pain. This is why pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. He can receive instant gratification just by looking at a magazine, the Internet, a video, etc., and have a secondary benefit of taking a vacation from some internalized emotional pain. 

The fifth reason is the desire for nurture and intimacy. A recent study from the Florida State University found that premature babies who were massaged by their mothers on a regular daily basis developed physically 60% faster than those who did not receive this extra ?touching.? We all need human touch. It is a special form of nurture. When men don?t feel nurtured and cared for by their wives, they will seek it elsewhere. Everyone, males and females need to be nurtured with touch.

[Donzerly lights]

If the 10 yr old is a boy, you might be able to try for custody when he gets to be 12 or 13?

[poweqi]

I'm sure they are learning how to be abusive too, and they are learning that ya stay in a abusive relationship. Kids are resilliant and can endure a lot. I'm sure they already have. Why don't you teach them that you DO NOT stay in an abusive situtation?

[poweqi]

situation, I mean.

[mwl1]

I'm sure you may be right, I am just not strong enough to take the plunge, I guess.

[poweqi]

Well, that is sad. I'll be praying for you. Just remember that you only get one shot at life and it would be a shame to spend it in misery.

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

Please read post #254. It's a good one.

[nobdysfool]

I'm sure you may be right, I am just not strong enough to take the plunge, I guess.

Dude, it's not a matter of strength, it's self-preservation. If you're staying, it's because on some level you believe what she says about you. You are letting her tell you how to feel about yourself, and about the marriage. If your counselor isn't telling you that, then you need a new counselor! You're setting a terrible example for your kids, too. Grow a backbone and stand up for yourself, and show your kids how a real man deals with abusive situations. You're too worried about how she'll react...I got news for you, YOU ALREADY KNOW how she'll react! So what? If she wants to make herself miserable, fine! Take away the supports that allow her to get away with it, and you'll be surprised how quickly she'll change her tune. You are enabling her, my friend!

..Can't take the plunge...? What are you afraid of? Being alone? In reality, you already are! Being alone as opposed to being in that kind of marriage is much preferable! I have a motto that has helped me a lot: I'd rather be in a relationship than be alone, but I'd rather be alone than be in a bad relationship. What you have described your home-life as being like is a classic "bad relationship", and you need to get out of it, for your own sake. It's destroying you slowly. Listen to yourself! You're not acting like a man, you're acting like a whipped puppy!

[connectthedots]

I guess she is content to stay because she has all the power, all the manipulation, all the control, and a very comfortable standard of living.

If you are bringing home the bacon, you can make it a lot less comfortable; after all, don't you think you should be saving more money. Maybe she needs to get a job to help save for the kids' education, if you know what I mean.

[connectthedots]

What you don't understand is that you now really have all the power, not her. You have nothing to lose. What is she going to do, withhold sex; she's already doing that? When you realize this fact and inform her that if she does not seek counselling, her life is going to change in ways she may not like.

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

You make some really good points there. The second half of your motto is MY motto!

[cactmh]

I haven't read everything you've wrote, but when it comes to the programming and hormones, I have to agree with you. We are programmed that way, like it or not.

[who knows what evil?]

"why go out for burgers when you've got steak at home?"

I took my wife on a 350-mile round trip to her favorite restaurant for a NY strip steak on her birthday last Saturday. I'm almost fifty, and it's not easy to jump in the car and go for an evening jaunt like that anymore, but it made her happy as a clam, and that's what it's all about. Even after twenty years, the thought of betraying her and my wedding vows before G-d would NEVER even cross my mind.

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

I took my wife on a 350-mile round trip to her favorite restaurant for a NY strip steak on her birthday last Saturday.

You know, I think that is just charming.

[Barnacle]

Please have her (I presume the "other person" is female) contact me. I'd like to set the record straight.

[LN2Campy]

RE: that POST # 254

Sometimes a marriage can be SEXLESS, but the partners still have a high regard for one another and raise the children well. Should the man (who still needs and wants sex, but just ISN'T EVER going to get it again from the MRS.) just toss the marriage on that one ground, or, with the consent of his wife, DISCREETLY get a girl on the side????

[discostu]

Marriage is a contract. If you kept "forsaking all others" in your vows then that's the deal you signed up for and if you can't stick it out then you should end it. In another post on this thread I get pretty vocal about the train wreck that happens in a child's mind when the parents stay together "for the kids". It'll be even worse if you're sneaking around. The kids will know, they always find out, and they learn from your example, if the example you set is one filled with lies and deceit the kid will learn to be a sneaky. I know someone that was raised by a man with deep dark secrets (not philandery but in the same league), now the kid can't be trusted, to borrow a line from The Duke, if he tells you that night is dark and day is light you should go outside and check.