Why do men cheat on their wives?

Ask Dr Gaylen ^

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

do  Why Do Men Cheat on Their Wives?

QUESTION:  

My husband is very much a flirt. Because of this as well as numerous other reasons, I think my husband is having an affair. I don?t think I am lust being paranoid. Please give me some help in understanding why men cheat, because I don?t think it is just me.   

  ANSWER:  

Your dilemma is one that is all too common. You are probably right when you say that it is not ?just me.?  It takes two to make a marriage or break a   marriage, and it takes two to have an affair. The fact that he has always been ?a flirt? suggests that, at one time, he was that way with you. You probably responded in a way that made him feel special, wanted, and needed, and reinforced his flirting behavior. This ties in with

 the first and main reason why men have affairs: to feed  their ego. The problem with us males is that feeling good about ourselves, or meeting our ?ego needs,? is our primary goal in life. Therefore, the first reason why men get involved in affairs is that it feeds their egos.

   The second reason is what we call ?misplaced anger.? For example lets consider the husband who is really mad at his wife for whatever reason. He may have an affair with some other woman as a way of making his wife ?pay. ? Instead of directing his anger toward her (which he may be afraid to do), or expressing the anger in a way that will help the relationship change, he just has sex with some other woman This action then feeds his ego (because someone else wants him), so he now feels good (physically and emotionally) and he doesn?t feel as angry with his wife. In his anger, he has made her pay.

   The third reason why men have affairs is boredom. The Bible (Proverbs 9:1 7) tells us  ?stolen melons are the sweetest,  stolen apples taste the best.?  In modem times this means that the ?grass is greener on the other side of the fence.? ?If I don?t have enough excitement in my life, I will create some.?

5 Reasons Why Men Cheat
on Their Wives

       1.  LOSS OF EGO
             A man?s primary need is to feel good about
             himself.  When he doesn?t he finds ways to
             meet this primary goal .

       2.   MISPLACED ANGER
              He may be angry at his wife but, rather
              than  deal with problem, he has an affair to
              ? make her pay?  

        3.   BOREDOM 
              Affairs are rarely boring; they tend to be
              exciting and full of life. Even the fear of
              getting caught causes excitement.  

        4.   ESCAPE FROM EMOTIONAL PAIN  
              The male sex drive provides a distraction
               or ?vacation? from emotional pain.  

      5.   NEED FOR NURTURE & INTIMACY
               If these needs are being met, men have
               no need to look elsewhere

 Children who are raised in alcoholic homes, for example, become what we refer to as ?adult children of alcoholics.? One key characteristic is that they become easily bored with life should it become too ?stable.?  
Children in alcoholic homes are raised with nothing being stable. As adults, they are then more comfortable in an unstable environment than in a stable one. This is why they become ?bored? and actually create chaos - because it is what is most familiar or comfortable to them. We all tend to repeat our past, whether that is a positive past or a negative past. If it was unstable then, we feel most comfortable in creating an unstable one now. 

The fourth reason why men have affairs is to escape emotional pain. Our sex drive is the second strongest drive within us -second only to self-preservation. Sex therefore can easily be used as a strong distraction from some emotional pain we do not want to feel. Few things in life are more intense than fulfilling this sex drive with a climax or orgasm. For this reason, a man can use sex as a way to distract him from emotional pain, like problems at home or work. It feels good to him physically, and he gets a vacation from the rest of his feelings of hurt and pain. This is why pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry. He can receive instant gratification just by looking at a magazine, the Internet, a video, etc., and have a secondary benefit of taking a vacation from some internalized emotional pain. 

The fifth reason is the desire for nurture and intimacy. A recent study from the Florida State University found that premature babies who were massaged by their mothers on a regular daily basis developed physically 60% faster than those who did not receive this extra ?touching.? We all need human touch. It is a special form of nurture. When men don?t feel nurtured and cared for by their wives, they will seek it elsewhere. Everyone, males and females need to be nurtured with touch.

[Don Myers]

bttt

[Double Tap]

I'm not bitter, and I have a pretty good sense of humor.

What you were doing wasn't humor, it was disrupting a thread by given false information meant to tweak people to respond. Don't do that if you wish to be taken seriously in the future when it might matter to you.

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

I have a friend who likes to date women who are as he puts it "solid 10s". We've had this conversation many times. He comments that "after a while, the looks wear off and they are like everybody else." He wonders what else is there besides looks. He is finally starting to understand that it takes more than superficial attraction to make and maintain a relationship.

[strictlyaminorleaguer]

Huh? I guess the "fellow" wasn't necessary, but before I learned her post was a "joke," I thought it was a very unfair view of women.

[Doctor Stochastic]

So, that means one is cheating and the other is what? Homewrecking?

[FITZ]

For example (my situation... and yes I'm still faithful), I've had a very difficult marriage.

This puts a different slant on what you had written earlier about serial monogamy. Some marriages don't work out too well ---but most people don't enjoy divorce and most would prefer a long term but happy marriage. Even in bad circumstances, loyalty, honor, and compassion are traits humans tend to have including men which infers long term monogamy is natural.

[CyberAnt]

Are you making some kind of personal declaration??

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

LOL... I was just joking ... didn't mean to offend... I'm not the sentence structure police! lol

[LowOiL]

Hey latecomers, please read my post 183. It took me too long to type to be overlooked. Comments welcome...

[strictlyaminorleaguer]

Well, actually, so do I. However, I think that it's way too easy for people to get out of marriage because they "don't want to be with" the spouse anymore. Others on this thread (myself included) see marriage as a vow one takes before God and community to be with that person in sickness, health, etc. You are entitled to believe otherwise, but try to understand that others here take marriage seriously for good reason.

[CyberAnt]

Say what??? ROTFLOL??

[discostu]

I'm not seeing anybody here saying people should stay together in a disfunctional relationship (way too many divorcees on this thread for that). The message here is if the marriage is dead bury it, don't cheat on it.

OH, and for the love of God DO NOT STAY TOGETHER FOR THE CHILDREN. Nothing screws kids up more than being raised in a loveless marriage. I was the product of a divorce, my wife was the project of a marriage that stayed together for the kids. Took me years to teach her that marriage didn't have to mean the end of happiness (our first few years together were an adventure) every few months another what if from her screwed up childhood would occur to her, she wouldn't mention it until it had driven her to nuttiness then I had to difuse the mess. Other people I know raised in similar circumstances have gone through the same thing, most are afraid of any form of emotional commitment because their experience says commitment equals misery.

Another factor is that if you stay together for the kids you'll begin to resent them unconsiously, and they'll pick up on this. And that hoses the kid up to. They don't understand what's going on, all they know is their parents are miserable and seem to blaim them for it, so they accept responsibility for it and carry the guilt for years.

[CyberAnt]

Say what??? Oh brother!

[strictlyaminorleaguer]

That's okay, I'm not offended in the least (good joke, in fact). If I sounded irritated, it's just that my neck hurts from my chain being pulled.

[Don Myers]

I think that one reason why both men and women cheat on their spouses stems from the common lifestyle of bedding anything that moves before marriage. How is a marriage license going to stop someone who is used to multiple lovers, sometimes numbering in the hundreds, when the marriage starts getting a little dull?

[lil679]

I don't Know why people cheat but when I get married and if my husband decides to cheat on me he will have another thing comming

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

Another good post! I lived what you described. You're on a roll tonight, keep going..........

[StolarStorm]

Well if that were really the case I don't believe that divorce rates would be so high. I'm not trying to come off as a saint... but most men wouldn't and haven't put up with as much as I have. What are the divorce rates currently? Something like 50%?