‘Going No-Contact’ Is a Blood Sport

“[F]orgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Millions of Christians make that request all the time while praying the Lord’s Prayer. That “as” is the tricky part, as it could be taken to mean that we simply forgive others and ask God to do the same for us, or more formidably, that we’re asking God to forgive us to the same extent that we forgive others.

Either way, this powerful petition puts us in the driver’s seat when granting pardon and mercy to those who have wronged us. To beg forgiveness for our sins from the Almighty while refusing to forgive others simply doesn’t work.

Yet I’ve known Christians who have deliberately and completely separated themselves from family members or friends, including the following examples:

Unfortunately, such estrangements are increasing across America. “Ten years ago, a parent who had not met a grandchild or had been cut out of an adult child’s life was a rarity in counseling offices like mine,” writer and therapist Paula Rinehart recalls. “Now the experience is becoming far more common.” Rinehart cites a recent YouGov poll estimating that 38% of Americans are estranged from a sibling, parent/child, or grandparent/child.

Some online influencers and therapists are encouraging this trend, so much so that this phenomenon of wall-building and broken hearts has a name: “going no-contact.” It’s part of another increasingly popular idea, “setting boundaries,” in which a family member either goes full no-contact or sets rules for contact, like only allowing grandparents visitations twice a month or talking by phone rather than face-to-face. So many people are cutting out family members “that advocates have begun a concerted effort to normalize and destigmatize the practice,” Rinehart notes. “Groups such as Stand Alone are springing up to support adults going solo into the future.”

Contrary to what we read in some online commentary, politics isn’t a primary cause for these breakups. Much more common are manipulation, lies or betrayal, conflicts and criticism over lifestyle, and anger or resentments following a divorce. Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse also factor into some no-contact relationships.

In some cases, going no-contact is a necessity. Parents, for instance, may need to put up a wall of separation between their children and an alcoholic and verbally abusive grandparent. An ex-wife may want to sever all ties to a chronically angry spouse. Nor are boundaries necessarily bad. The old saying, “Never discuss religion or politics,” is a boundary. Refusing to take the bait and get hooked on your mother’s ongoing criticism of your sister is a boundary.

While in college more than 50 years ago, I met a self-absorbed graduate student, Larry, who often complained that his father was responsible for the messes in his life, ranging from low self-esteem to his lack of a driver’s license. Though I was only 20, Larry’s failure to take personal responsibility for his life struck me as immature and self-defeating. I thought then, and I think now, that a man in his mid-20s who’s still whining about his parents needs to grow up. No one was using terms like “victimhood” at the time, but Larry was suffering from that disease. The irony here is that so many people who claim victimhood make victims of themselves.

Another negative consequence of “going no-contact” is the example it sets for children. If you cut off your mother on account of her constant carping and criticism, you are giving a stamp of approval to no-contact that your own children may one day apply to you. “It’s a plague that can become a way of doing life,” Rinehart notes.

Interestingly, the YouGov poll reveals that large percentages of estranged relatives would in certain circumstances consider reconciliation. Nearly always, it’s up to one of the parties involved to initiate the repairs: a letter, a phone call, a message delivered via a mutual friend or relative. Is this difficult? Absolutely. And if conversation between the aggrieved parties resumes, someone will need to take the next difficult step and say aloud those two tough words, “I’m sorry.” Reconciliation is rarely easy and may require an immense amount of time and effort.

You don’t need to be a Christian, or even particularly religious, to understand the noble truth of Alexander Pope’s quote, “To err is human, to forgive divine.” Forgiveness is chivalry of the soul in action.

The author of this "contribution" on the site -- a site which quickly asks for contributions in a popup screen -- publishes on multiple sites including his own. ( jeffminick.com )

--- "...it's leftists who initiated this “going no contact” trend." This is pat.

Minick says in part of himself: "Political party: I've never attended a political party. Are they fun?" Clever, eh?

But he also writes, "If I were president of the United States: I would first issue an executive order commanding naptime for the citizenry from noon until three, preceded by Mrs. Pierce's chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk."

Entertaining, no? This Asheville, NC resident, might discuss "forgiveness," but should we "forgive" Obama and his "fundamental transformation?" Or the perpetrators of massive fraud being seen in Minnesota, New York and California, and beyond? How about "forgiving" Routh? Or Planned Abortion-hood?

--- "I'd be VERY interested in seeing the 'why' behind these separations." Individual cases, aggregated into some stat, are used so often to critique, as is "perps" should somehow be forgiven." It's a theological thing, in part, which should never become a government policy. And yet that is what Democrats so often want to do.

Pursuant to Catholic moral doctrine, salvation is not possible for you if you yourself obstinately refuse or fail to forgive others.

Ideally, forgiveness is to flow from you immediately after the commission by the other of the act, or the failure to act, that harms you. This is saintly behavior. The rest of us are to work toward that goal while still living on this earth, or as Catholics say, within the Church Militant.

So forgiveness is an imperative if you have these kinds of issues with your ex.

Consider though, that many or even most individuals you might be on the hook to forgive are not repentant, in no present mood to apologize (perhaps thinking they are not “in the wrong”, but rather, that you are “the problem”), and consequently are far from thinking about the real need to reconcile with you.

You still need to forgive, though. 🤨🤔

In this circumstance, don’t seek to forgive in words. Instead, demonstrate forgiveness in how your behave toward that person, how you interact with them.

Cause them to stop, eventually, and think: I know that I haven’t done right by that person, and yet, they are consistently being pleasant and nice toward me. Solicitous, complimentary, soft-hearted. Friendly even. What the heck?

Eventually they’ll get the message in a way they can’t argue with: They’ve been forgiven.

You aren’t being asked to forget things, and you may need to adjust your conduct to limit the possibility of similar future harm. But the love of God needs to flow, through you, toward those who have harmed you.

My ex mother-in-law was so toxic that it would take three days for the children to settle down after a visit. She did the same with them that she did with her daughters and what she did with her sisters. They always fought and argued, so I stopped taking her grandchildren to visit her.

She threatened to sue me for grandparent’s visitation rights and I told her to go ahead as I would love to get her on the witness stand so everyone knows how harmful and toxic she is.

You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself. I couldn’t change her and therefor there was no way I wanted her poisoning my children.

Forgiveness does not mean that you become stupid and allow the person to harm you or others. It’s like tough Love. You do what you must do out of Love to protect the people you Love.

When forgiveness is too big of a bite to swallow, I break it into three smaller bites. First I try my best to understand why the other person is so harmful. What was their childhood like? What made them the way they are.

Second, I find compassion for them as their behavior is causing them pain and suffering.

Finally, now that forgiveness is a smaller bite to swallow, I forgive them. But that does not mean that I will allow them to create more harm.

This is long, but...I am writing it down for myself and saving it as a bulwark for the days to come that I may not remember it all, so...I thought I would share it on this subject, so I hope you don’t mind my posting it on this thread.

When my mother was going through a health crisis near the end of her life, my oldest brother and his wife lived in the family homestead with her, and took care of her. And they did this, no doubt, because when she passed, they hoped to inherit the house. (My brother ran his own business from the house, so he could participate in the care for our mother more easily)

I not only appreciated and admired their efforts at caring intimately for my mother, I fully supported their expectation that they would and should inherit the family homestead, a century old, three story, solid house, fully renovated by my father over 30 years after he bought it from his father.

Of us six kids, four of us fully saw it this way, but two siblings saw things differently.

My younger sister was living the hippie life up in Northern Vermont in what is called the Northeast Kingdom, and didn’t have much to do with the family except for occasional interactions like my dad’s funeral several years earlier. I maintained amiable relationships with both of these siblings, until my mother began her downward spiral towards her eventual death.

She had serious medical issues and was unable to care for herself, and even though my brother and his wife were committed to caring for her until her eventual death in her own home, but she had a terrible case of shingles that covered her entire back and after a surgery, was unable to ambulate. My wife and I both worked in healthcare and both we and the staff of an acute rehab said it was the worst case of shingles they had ever seen, weeping fluid, drenching bedsheets with it, she was in acute distress as one can imagine.

My mom needed to rehab physically and get treatment for the shingles before she could return home, so my wife, who had been working for a few years near the end of her career as a Case Manager for discharged patients, had knowledge of how that system worked and selflessly inserted herself into the situation to play a larger role, ensuring the correct facility could be found, meeting all the appropriate requirements for treatment, insurance, etc.

Those things are completely daunting to many people, but my wife, who was used to the kinds of fights with insurance providers and rehabs fought those battles, and got my mom into an acute care rehab. She worked really hard at it, and did a great, though as it turned out, underappreciated task that came to be a point of contention between us four siblings and my hippie sister from Vermont.

So, my sister came down from Vermont to visit my mother in the acute care rehab (which to the casual observer like my sister, appeared simply on the surface to be a nursing home).

My mother would implore us, each time we visited, to take her home, but we told her she needed to stay until her mobility could be improved through physical therapy, and the terrible case of shingles could be resolved. My sister, who was unused to such things, immediately removed my mother (against medical advice) from the facility and brought her back to the homestead without consulting any of us on this, including my wife who had done sterling work in finding a place that met the requirements in time and money that could rehab her.

I was furious. I loved my sister and had good relations with her, but I was very angry at this. She said she would stay and help, but I knew, as my siblings did too, that she would go back up to Vermont once she tired of the task, which would not take long.

My anger at my sister must have been quite unsettling to my mother, who I know saw me as somewhat “the unifier” in the family who didn’t have or carry any grudges, and was always trying to keep things on an even emotional keel.

So my mother arranged a sit-down with my sister and I. I can be diplomatic when required, but I have great difficulty telling a lie, even in the service of being diplomatic. I was still steaming mad, which is a bad state for me, as I can get irrational in my anger. And in that sit-down, by telling the unvarnished truth (when asked by my mother to speak honestly) did just that in a very bald and undiplomatic way.

Needless to say, my sister and her husband immediately packed up and left and went back up to Vermont, and we were left to clean up the mess. We could not get my mom readmitted (because she had been signed out against medical advice) and she rapidly went downhill and died within a month or two.

The rift between my sister and I that I had exacerbated with my raw expression of my opinion on the matter had upset my sister so much that she and her family did not attend my mother’s funeral.

They had no phone or email (living rustically with one lightbulb and no running water) and I didn’t even know their address, so for about ten years we had no communication of any kind. Then, at one point, I found out what town they were living in, and resolved to just drive up there and find her. It was a four hour drive, and when I arrived in the very small town, I went to the general store in the town, explained who I was, and asked if anyone knew where they lived. The first person I asked knew them, and told me where they lived, so I drove right out there.

They lived on about 20 acres of land with a bumpy dirt road leading off the main road. When I pulled up, she came out, and it was great. It was as if nothing had happened. She had forgiven me within days of our last encounter, and I had forgiven her in that same time frame, but for ten more years, we just didn’t come into contact. She said she had never intended to go ten years without speaking to the family (specifically me) and I certainly had never intended it either. We hugged warmly and sincerely, and there were tears. It shouldn’t have gone that way.

But that was the way life had worked out.

The lesson is: Life is short. We don’t have a lot of time on this Earth to spend with each other. Don’t take that time for granted. It is worth noting that my sister and I are as far apart politically as can possibly be. She is, after all, still a hippie...and I have a very specific and longstanding distaste for hippies.

But she is my sister.

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