The Babylon Bee Explains: How To Smoke A Cigar So No One Will Think You're A Loser

The Babylon Bee ^ | 6/8/23

[martin_fierro]

Being cool is a state of mind, but you also need to know what you're doing so you don't end up looking like a total dork. Take smoking a cigar for example. If done correctly, you're the coolest guy in the room, but if you don't pull it off, everyone will think you're a loser.

Thankfully, The Babylon Bee is here to explain how to smoke your cigar in a way that will keep anyone who sees you from rolling their eyes or laughing at you. Just follow these helpful tips:

• Bite off the tip, then swallow it: This is what real men do.
• Consider lighting your cigar with a flaming $20 bill: Expensive? Yes, but think of how cool you'll look.
• Only put the non-burning end in your mouth: Trust us, this is a big one.
• After accidentally putting the burning end in your mouth, just be nonchalant about it: You can go get treatment for your burns later. Just be cool.
• Inhale as deeply as you can: Stop coughing, you lightweight.
• Blow smoke rings, then blow a smoke ship that sails through the rings: This works best while wearing a big, pointy hat and having a beard that reaches your stomach.
• Say "Wow, this is the best cigar I've ever had!": Especially if it's the first cigar you've ever had.
• Don't tell anyone you thought your buddy was referring to people when he said "Let's go smoke some Cubans.": You'll sound really dumb and give people the wrong impression. Refrain from talking like a gangster from a Bugs Bunny cartoon: We know it'll be difficult, see?
• Hollow out a cigar and put a strawberry shortcake vape cartridge in there: Add some extra flavor without anyone knowing.
• Start every sentence with "You know, I'm reminded of something G.K. Chesterton said…": This is what all the other cigar guys do. You should do it, too.
• Bonus tip: After lighting your cigar, it's best to toss the match behind you, triggering a massive explosion as you walk away in slow motion.

By following this handy list, you'll avoid looking like an absolute goof while trying to smoke your cigar and make everyone think you're way cooler than you really are.

[martin_fierro]

	FReeper Cigar Aficionado
"Never mess with a man willing to suck on a raging trash fire." -- Tijeras_Slim Send FReepmail if you want on/off FCAP list
The List of Ping Lists

[PeterPrinciple]

https://cigarsexperts.com/cigar-etiquette/

Don’t Stick a Cigar up to Your Nose
Never stick a cigar up your nose while cigar shopping.

Instead, if you are tempted to smell the aroma, the foot of the cigar is the best place. The outer leaf or the cap won’t deliver any scent.

---

Clinton had no class....................

[Sirius Lee]

Kindly add me to your ping list, Sir.

[Sirius Lee]

I found a Macanudo Estate Reserve 45 Anniversary at the bottom of my humidor. I wonder if it’s still any good? It must be nearly ten years old. Will find out this evening looking all cool for the wildlife out on the deck.

[Captainpaintball]

How discolored is the wrapper? The oils escape after a while but 10 years is not too bad if the humidor was kept properly. 60-70/80 rule…

[Sirius Lee]

I maintain the humidor at 70 very consistently. The wrapper looks fresh, which is a good sign. I mostly circulate Montecristos in and out so I kept pushing it to the bottom. Anyway, its life will soon be over.

[telescope115]

Former cigar smoker here. Re.#3- Ya, been there done that! I muttered a few expletives deleted and hoped nobody saw me.

I think I still have a few in a plastic bag somewhere, but I doubt that they’re any good.

[Macoozie]

To everyone but the smoker, and the Tobacconeer, cigars stink and make you look like a Poser.
It’s never “Cool”.
It hasn’t been for many. many decades.

My apologies to El Rushbo.

[Lurker]

I do enjoy a good cigar now and then.

L

[Dr. Sivana]

To everyone but the smoker, and the Tobacconeer, cigars stink and make you look like a Poser.

I am a non-smoker, and I disagree.

I have fond memories of my maternal grandfather smoking his Muniemakers, living what for him was the good life . . . cigars, home made wine and root beer, lots of fried chicken, strawberry and blueberry cheese cake, Carvel ice cream cakes, Lawrence Welk, and Pinochle.

He did get kicked out of the Senior Citizens Center for being too loud and aggressive at Pinochle, but mostly he was fun to have around.

The aroma of the Connecticut-made Muniemakers was part of my childhood, and grandpa was no poser.

[big truck]

The last person to “look cool” smoking a cigar was George Burns. Just my opinion....

[Teacher317]

What about sticking a cigar into the orifices of an intern, inside the White House?

[Buckeye Battle Cry]

F***in’ LEGEND!

[scrabblehack]

Several Federal Reserve Chairmen....I want to say Arthur Burns, Volcker, and Greenspan? Maybe I’m wrongly including or forgetting someone...

[Diana in Wisconsin]

Yay! We haven’t had a Cigar Ping in a really long time! July is getting closer - I’ll be buying my, ‘Ladylike Once a Year Birthday Cigar to Smoke on the Porch’ real soon! :)

[Bullish]

* Blow smoke rings, then blow a smoke ship that sails through the rings: This works best while wearing a big, pointy hat and having a beard that reaches your stomach.

Oh, and for Gawd's sake don't forget that eye-patch.

[Diana in Wisconsin]

Practicing my G. K. Chesterton quotes:

[Hot Tabasco]

I would disagree. I love the aroma of cigars........

I would rather be in a room filled with cigar smoke than listen to the puritans ragging on cigarettes and cigars..........

[martin_fierro]

I mean, the man had a point.