Posted on 12/12/2024 3:55:57 AM PST by Red Badger
December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
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December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human Resources Director
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December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis Human Researchers Director
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December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis Human Racehorses Director
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December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis Human Ratraces
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December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
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December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop Acting Human Resources Director
That is why Christmas has been ruined.
The worst thing about Christmas parties is having to find a new job the next day.
- Phyllis Diller
Speaking of Christmas, LairdoftheManor on X on the subject of Christmas, diversity, tolerance...
https://x.com/LairdOfTheManor/status/1867070107568214449
Worth the click and the quick read.
I’ll wish you a Merry Christmas here, LairdoftheManor, since I’m still banned on X.
LOL........the dregs of DEI at work.
Excerpt LairdoftheManor on X:
“Does not your stringent advocacy of the celebration of diversity entail the recognition
and respect of all, rather than the suppression of one religion under the pretext of tolerance?”
“Thus, I beseech those who advocate for the dilution or cancellation
of ‘Merry Christmas’ to reflect upon the incongruity of their actions. “
No one has used the word sanitarium in 50 years.
Funny.
(This year Hannukah does coincide with Christmas - the first night is Dec. 25th.)
I never knew what a bunch of picky kill-joys I worked with until that moment.
No one died and I was careful from then on to never miss a meeting.
This year's Christmas party is on the 21st, back room at the local diner. You can show up with your family or not. You can eat or not. Sit with who you want.
Noel.
I used to work for General Dynamics, in Maryland. They liked to throw elaborate, expensive Christmas parties. I, being the lowliest peon in the Security Dept. always had to work.
One year, 2010 I think, the party was held at M&T Bank Stadium in Baltimore,, home of the Ravens. Apparently they had a very nice event center.
Well, in 2010 murder and muggings were increasing rapidly in the area around the stadium. I was free to attend that year, but declined.
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