Posted on 01/04/2023 9:56:49 AM PST by Lazamataz
Recently, I lost a friend of over 40 years. It was his choice to terminate our friendship.
We had known eachother since college. We reconnected on Facebook for many years, about 12, and rather suddenly tore into me for a variety of criticisms.
A little background on him: He recently lost his wife of 30+ years then promptly got covid. I offered my condolences and told him he could reach out for anything at all. Then, upon hearing nothing back, I left him be.
I noticed him corresponding more and more with a younger Facebook girl. No worries, not my business.
I wrote a simple little post about Jesus not returning anytime soon and this girl (I'll call her Amy) got into a big tirade with me and other people, expressing she hated religion, didn't believe in Christ, and called people who did a 'disease' and a 'pestilence'. I didn't much like that, unfriended her, and eventually blocked her. In the meantime, my old college friend expressed some of the same sentiments, even tually posting outright blasphemes. Told him I was none too fond of all that.
Well, he responds with all sorts of attacks.
I'm "too long-winded' and he never reads my political essays." Ok, fine.
I'm "occasionally funny but I try too hard." Actually, it's quite the opposite. I post what makes ME laugh. If you laugh, fine, if you don't, that wasn't my intent anyways.
I "think I'm so damned smart." I'm aware I'm slightly above average but there are plenty of people smarter than me.
I "slept with his college girlfriend Joyce." Um, no. Joyce was exceptionaly beautiful and I have always been average looking. Even if I had been inclined to try, she never would have even considered me.
All this was out of left field. No idea what provoked his attacks and his decision to terminate our friendship. I did find out that this Amy chick apparently was his go-to person in dealing with the grief of losing his wife. She apparently considers herself a Wiccan witch. Not healthy, but not my business.
So I am left with a friendship of over 40 years, destroyed. I have experienced some stages of grief over it. But I will (and I have to) accept it.
Just pray for your friend’s salvation, the rest is up to God. It’s likely his Wiccan friend will eventually burn him and he will stumble back to old friends and older truths.
I definitely hear you on the latter.
Laz so sorry to hear this
Sometimes people just go nuts. No accounting for it
Hope you can continue to heal
Proud of ya
Just forgive him, continue to pray for him to receive Jesus as his savior (he and his new girlfriend are headed to hell if they don’t repent and accept Christ as their savior) and move on with your life.
Everything in our lives has a season. Perhaps this friendship season has passed.
Older guys dating attractive younger women do dumb things
I'm personally honing my doing dumb things skills in the off chance I get a shot at giving it a go
If it’s any consolation, these situations tend to be transitory and temporary so he will probably be back around in the near future
Well played. That's wise. Thanks.
I consider you a friend. I love reading your stuff
One of the hardest truths to face: “friends” are really nothing more than acquaintances.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Laz.
I have had this happen to me quite a few times, and, as difficult as it is, it is usually for the best.
I have a friend who has been my “Best Friend” for 55 years. However, in the last few years her political views have become repugnant to me. She knows it too, and never misses an opportunity to snidely cast a negative remark about President Trump, Republicans, Christians, and People who believe in Traditional Gender roles. She seems to be always “testing” me to see how I will react.
She’s an intelligent person, and very educated, yet she seems to like to feign obtuseness to see what I will do.
She was a Director of Human Resouces for a big famous company for many years.
Every conversation with her feels like a hostile JOB INTERVIEW.
Eventually, she or I will go over the line, and that will be the end. Then I know I will be sad, just as you are now. I can rationalize as much as I want, but I KNOW it’s going to hurt.
If it’s any consolation, you have LOTS of friends here on FR. :-)
You are a bright light on FR, Laz!
Same as my marriage. Turns out she was never really my friend. Hard to take but I acceptt it with the Lord's help.
Funny thing, since then, I've reconnected with some of my old high school buddies who I haven't seen for about 40 years.
Laz, I’ve read you for years. My BFF kicked me out of her house because I reported predatory sex abuse, instead of waiting for her 18 yo daughter to report it.
What I think was behind this was, she wants to sell her house and shack up with her boyfriend. I am Catholic, she is a former Catholic and seeing me made her feel guilty.
All the rest of her associates are retired “educators”.
Her loss. It’s hard making new friends. I’m 62.
I think you do.
C’est la vie.
This stuff happens daily to everyone.
Sorry to hear that this has you all buggered up, but just let it pass.
Its kind of nice to hear from you in this regard. If we take the piss out of you for looking soft with this post, we only mean that we all have your back 100%.
God bless you, brother Laz. We’re gonna make you get over this crappy temporary thing.
Laz,
I tend to think he’ll be back....send him Holiday e-amils to keep the channels open. Sounds like his go to gal isn’t exactly the best thing to come his way but if he’s lonely sometimes anyone can temporarily fill that need.
Keep th faith and remember even Jesus lost some of his good friends so he knows what you feel.
You are definitely not long-winded.
I feel like a hermit much of the time.
And let's not fool ourselves: It probably wouldn't have come to this stage without the Internet.
I, too, have had problems - of varying degree - like the one you describe, so maybe I can offer you some helpful advice.
1. Again, I claim that the lack of face-to-face contact and the toxic effect of Facebook (and Co.) triggered and exacerbated your conflict. Nothing like this would have happened "in the olden days" before the Internet. There would, instead, have had to be a concrete issue (lending money, borrowing a vehicle, alcohol-fuelled altercations, sleeping with someone's wife, etc.) for it to have gotten to this point. Which makes it all the more frustrating, since it is essentially a break-up based on nothing real (i.e., upon mere differences of opinion - which are probably not even that dearly held my one or both parties).
In the "olden days," people looked for facial cues and other contextual clues before delivering a "killing blow" or generally "riding roughshod" over a friend. If an inappropriate comment or even insult "hit the mark" to a greater degree than intended, people would recognize the micro-changes in the other person's facial expressions, overall demeanor, etc. and respond with some non-verbal cue to indicate that it "wasn't meant in earnest," etc.
The loss of vocal cues has been especially devastating. Who can tell anymore whether a comment was said in jest, rhetorically, etc.?
2. Because these interactions take place via the Internet, there can often be a considerable time-lag also involved. So the offended party has hours to brood over the (imagined) insult before the other party has even registered that he had (unintentionally) said something hurtful. And since the comments are there in black-and-white, the offended party can go back and read and re-read the remarks and reinforce his sense of "hurt."
3. Now, some concrete advice: Cut your friend some slack due to the death of his wife and his emotional need to curry some favor with / indulge in some "posturing" in front of the Wiccan, send him a final message in which you "take the high road," explain that you certainly had no intention of hurting his feelings and wish to continue the friendship - but then put the relationship "on ice" for a few weeks/months (I'm NOT saying that you should ignore any peace offerings that he might make - just that you should not initiate any contact for a while and hold your communications with him to a polite minimum).
Hopefully, your friend will come back to his senses in a while (probably after the Wiccan dumps him).
Good luck!
Regards,
I’d like to know what this chick thinks of islam.
I am profoundly sorry for your loss.
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