Posted on 12/29/2022 7:41:34 PM PST by Vigilanteman
I vote for a dog. My grand father was becoming a recluse after my grandmother died. A dog doesn’t allow you to stay in bed all day. He got up and started walking the dog several times a day and started meeting people in his “senior” apartment complex.
I would direct our friend to visit the local senior center and join some social clubs and support groups for widows and widowers. There are so many people out their living good lives after such a loss and are out there wanting to help. The most important thing is to recover from the depression. Once that fog lifts volunteer, join hobby clubs, learn an instrument, travel, visit family, maybe even move closer to your family. My grandfather really enjoyed living in the senior apartment complex. It wasn’t an assisted living center. Just a 55 and over full of people just like him. After a while he was the ‘player’ of the complex. He lived another 20 years as a widower.
Get a dog. Go to church even if it is mentally hard. It’ll take time. A tiny percentage of the pain will go away every day. It’ll take a while, maybe a year or two, and then one day you’ll wake up and realize the pain is less than the good memories you have of her. Eventually that pain fades, and you’ll be left with the good.
And if you have grandkids... focus there.
There is no easy path, but you can survive this.
And go easy on the alcohol.
I can’t add anything that hasn’t been said. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling. We have been married 38-1/2 years, so your indescribable loss really hits me hard. Like you, my wife is the real outgoing one and makes our family friends for us. I so fearful of the day when one of us parts.
God bless and keep you, FRiend, in this time of sorrow.
BS.
Good answer. I was my wife’s caregiver for 11 years. Seeing anyone face 3 major cancers and two other medical emergencies takes it’s toll. You have to finally realize you did your best. A Maine coon is very friendly. My wife was afraid of cats. She got the Maine coon for me. Wish you the best.
Your wife sounds like a wonderful lady. You two probably know each other better than most. Have you thought about what she might say in answer to your question?
Spend some time in prayer if you are a religious man, or sit quietly reflecting on your question. An answer will come to you. You will know it too.
You also can’t generalize how a woman might grieve. What would you tell her if you died and it was she suffering as much as you? Would you be upset with her if she wasn’t taking care of herself?
There are also groups that meet, usually through hospitals. Ask your doctor or hospital about them. Sometimes it helps to grieve with others who have also had family that died.
I lost my husband of 32 years four months ago. I am just begining to accept that my adventure buddy is truly gone. The saving grace that has kept me from despair are our children and grandchildren. They don’t replace him, nothing can, but they remind me that there is still work to do before I too shuffle off this mortal coil. I also need to come to a conclusion about what happens after we die, so there is a lot of study and discussion ahead. I won’t deny that there is s preferred conclusion, I pray that I will see him again.
First, I'm so sorry for your loss. This one's not easy. You'll never totally get over loving her and missing her, but after a while the grief will feel further away. And your life will go on. You're in my prayers Vigilanteman.
but I am an introvert too and if my husband of nearly 48 yrs goes before me, I will have very little social interaction except some family....
I hope I go first because he has so much junk every where...3 car garage, small shed, and a big shop plus many rooms full of stuff here in the house....
I've lost two brothers in two years and I can't understand it.....it makes one fearful for what else is coming, which it surely will because we're not supposed to be here forever....
all I know is something I read today.....whatever is remembered will never die....
also there is a blogger "I Alledgedly" and he has a long msg from two days ago titled "I'm saying goodbye" and its about his losing his long time girlfriend who died on Christmas Eve, a few days ago.....its very profound and thought provoking and I think it would give you some solace....
peace, friend.
Be proud every day of the fact that you mourn such a beautiful lady. Not trying to make this next statement as a way to diminish your loss but so many current day men will never feel the type of loss you have since modern day women are just not like your traditional lady. Many men will never mourn as you do.
You were a very lucky man and please wake up each day realizing that fact even though you no longer have that woman beside you.
⬆️
My heart aches when I read of losses like that. Some good suggestions here, like adopting a pet and attending Divine Service, but nothing will replace the lady you’ve lost in this life.
In my prior days of solitude I found model railroading to be a way to focus on something. Modeling miniatures brings a satisfaction you can share with others who might visit you.
God bless!
I remember when your daughter moved to Japan - we discussed the cat on a FR thread.
I am so sorry for your loss. I do not have sufficient words to comfort you.
I pray that the Holy Spirit will be a healing balm. I pray that you will find a Christian based grief support group. I pray that if you do not attend church, you will find one that will pour love all around you and bring you into their family. I pray for peace in your heart. Blessings, K
I suppose that I am not making bad progress given that it is only two months. My daughter got a golden retriever/poodle cross pup for Christmas and, while I like dogs, they are too high maintenance for me. Another daughter gifted us with a friendly cat when her company transferred her to Japan. My wife immediately became her favorite person, but she tolerates me, keeps the house free of mice and is an easy chair cuddle companion when I wind down the day in the evening with supper and a little tv (mostly old movies, programs or documentaries).
I wasn't much of a church goer, but my wife dragged me to hers and I have a few friends there as a result. So I will probably continue when I get back home after the holidays with my daughters.
BEST dog breed EVER!! A Golden Lab would be the best friend EVER!!
If I may humbly add my own thoughts, I would suggest you pick up a copy of CS Lewis' books, "The Problem of Pain," and, "A Greif Observed."
The first was written in 1940 and Lewis took his stab at the age old question of how an all loving and omnipotent God can permit pain and suffering. It approaches the subject from a pretty academic, logical angle.
The second was compiled from notes Lewis made after the death of the love of his life aas he dealt with the emotional gut punch that came with it and his struggle to personally handle the grief and angst.
The two books really helped me through a rough spot in my life, I think, because they analyzed the matter from without and within...kind of like reading two books about the sea, one by an oceanographer and the other by a shipwreck survivor...although in this case, the author is both.
I can’t imagine your pain - perhaps using your wife’s name when remembering her would be helpful..
I can’t know what you’re experiencing. I’ve tried to imagine what I would do. I’m not a pet person so personally, I would never get an animal. I think I would join a tour group and travel with other people. Maybe start with small trips - like New England in the fall to see the leaves. Then travel to Europe with a tour group. Maybe go on a cruise with a group.
I know there are some good travel companies who arrange everything. I’ll bet you’d meet some nice people and have some great experiences.
Another idea, maybe get an RV and travel to see family that you haven’t seen in years (cousins, siblings, etc). The nice thing about an RV is you wouldn’t have to put people out when you visit. You could spend time with them as you wish, then retire to your RV to sleep.
Anyway, I think the idea is to get out of your house.
Do you have any hobbies? Join a line dancing group, or a hiking club.
Loneliness can cripple you, if you let it. I hope you find a way through this and feel better soon.
Job 19:25
“For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth:”
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