Posted on 07/21/2021 1:38:33 PM PDT by BipolarBob
Hey you! Yeah you, pastor! Is your church boring? Is your congregation leaving in droves to go to the cool church down the street that has hot worship leaders and laser lights?
You gotta fix that. Here's how to make sure your bored congregants come back next Sunday.
1) Offer VIP backstage passes to meet the pastor: As the pastor, you are a celebrity and everyone wants to meet you. Offer exclusive VIP passes to the first 20 people!
2) Challenge the pastor of the church across the street to a cage fight: Bible teaching is fine, but what people really want is bloody pay-per-view MMA fighting! The winner of the match gets to keep half of the other church's members.
3) Offer anyone who shows up a chance to play bass in the worship band: Make dreams come true. Don't worry, you don't have to tell them the bass is always unplugged anyway.
4) Replace boring wafer communion with Cinnabon cinnamon rolls: Irresistible.
5) Everyone gets a Taboo buzzer to press whenever the pastor says something they don't like: Nothing like some audience participation! If you're low on funds, you can give them rotten cabbage to throw.
6) Tie a string to their smartphone and slowly pull it toward the church doors: Virtually everyone on earth is emotionally and physically dependant on their smartphones. Isn't it time they were emotionally and physically dependant on walking through your church doors every Sunday?
7) Put CBD vape capsules in the fog machine to help everyone stay relaxed: Maybe add some nicotine for a little chemical dependence.
8) Advertise a new "forgive any sin" promotion: We all know God can forgive any sin, (except the sin of voting Democrat) but it feels so much better if it's part of a cool promotion! Print out coupons for extra interest.
Can you fax me a coupon?
[[1) Offer VIP backstage passes to meet the pastor:]]
Lol- foyer meetigns no longer adequate
[[2) Challenge the pastor of the church across the street to a cage fight:]]
Woohoo! Now We’re talkin!
[[7) Put CBD vape capsules in the fog machine to help everyone stay relaxed:]]
Nope- no thanks-
[9] give away FX Impact M3 pellet rifle package of their caliber choice, high pressure pumps, packages of pellets, bipod for the impact, scope, range finder, and splatter targets
[10] Offer a lifetime subscription to “Backsliders Weekly”
[11]
America...where religions go to die.
Not for communion but we do have a sister who bakes wonderful sticky buns for the Sunday afternoon fellowship. One of those could get the most hardened atheist to attend.
6) Tie a string to their smartphone and slowly pull it toward the church doors: Virtually everyone on earth is emotionally and physically dependant on their smartphones. Isn't it time they were emotionally and physically dependant on walking through your church doors every Sunday?
Ok that one it funny because it is true.
LOL! Now that right there is funny. I dont care who you all are.
Was over in the UK the last time 2000. I watched, and I think it was Winchester Cathedral, who had an American bluegrass outfit who played during one of their Sunday services. It was on the Tele, as they say over there.
Have these been tested with samples and focus groups?
Realistically speaking, if it is a Protestant church, bring in a “retired guest Catholic Priest” to conduct a Latin Mass. Granted, most who show up will the Catholics, but many Protestant congregants will show up as well.
Interesting.
#1 Pastors and priests need to quit acting like woketards with manginas. people can get politics anywhere in this world but they go to church for God.
Hippies make shitty leaders.
So the sick state of our churches is now the object of humor. No wonder the country is in the shape it’s in.
Have an Indulgence?
Coffee bar, widescreen TV and band?
lol good stuff-
From what I've seen, many Protestants Congregants are former Catholics.
Snake handling at my church works every time.
We have a gun range in the basement too.
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