Posted on 06/08/2021 10:26:36 AM PDT by upchuck
Some tickles for your Tuesday...
1. A missionary, in Africa, was out taking a walk in the jungle. Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him. It was a lion. He started to back up and heard a noise from behind. Sure enough, it was another lion. He looked to his left and then to his right. You guessed it, lions were on both sides. It looked grim, so the missionary sat down where he was and started to read his Bible. Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped the missionary and ate him.
Moral of the story: Never read between the lions.
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2. A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she found a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.
Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards, out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg.
The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. The doctor walked into her room. Laughing hysterically, he said, "You're not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!"
As he began to compose himself, he asked, "So, how did you break your leg??"
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3. A man tried to sell a dog to his neighbor. "This dog can talk," he said, "and he could be yours for only five dollars!"
The neighbor said: "What do I look like? An idiot? There ain't no such thing as a talking dog."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes and pleaded: "Please buy me, Sir! This man is cruel. He never gives me enough to eat, he never takes me for a walk, and he never bathes me! Before he kidnapped me, I used to be a famous trick dog. I performed on TV and before the Royal Family of England."
"Wow!," said the neighbor, "That mutt really can talk! Why would you want to sell him for five lousy bucks?"
"Because I'm getting tired of all his lies."
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4. Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement......in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree."
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5. Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
“The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?" The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
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6. An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Onlookers were completely shocked at the men’s behavior, but the old man didn’t seem to be fazed in the slightest.
Without a word of protest, he quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”
The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”
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7. A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
Later, he says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
His mother replied, "I don't like her."
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8. So this is how they do it... One of life's great mysteries solved!
(Just twenty years ago, no one would have understood this joke!)
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9. A guy walks into a bar and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
'What's that about?' He asks.
"Oh," the bartender says, "if you can jump up and slap one of them you drink for free for the rest of the night. If you miss, then you have to buy a round for everyone else in the bar. What to try?"
"Nah,", the guy replies. "The steaks are too high."
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10. Facebook and Instagram went down on Wednesday, which meant people don't know where to go to be outraged, post photos of their food, or get their news from Russian hackers.
"I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook by applying the same principals. Every day I walk down the street and tell strangers what I have eaten that day, how I feel and what I'm doing later. I give them pictures of myself and my family, my dog, me watering my lawn, me standing in front of famous landmarks. Then I listen to what they say and give them a "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
It works just like Facebook! I now have four people following me. Two police officers, one psychiatrist and a private investigator."
I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought “Their cornbread isn’t done in the middle.”
Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.
“You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.”
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. Give it a minute...
I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”
I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of ... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday. (Sounds like Rodney Dangerfield)
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.
I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test ... same thing.
Those are good!
Thanks, I needed that!
Thanks. This great humor went out to my old fashioned email list.
Positive comments from many so far:)
Dear John (Advice Columnist),
I hope that you can help me. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go into counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John
Funny stuff! I particularly liked the hitchhiker joke for whatever dark reason.
I didn’t write that on. Honest
Even though I think it all the time .
I appreciated it too.
So my shrink says to me, “You’ve got a split personality. That’ll be $100.”
I said, “Here’s $50. Get the rest from the other guy!”
It’s a nice break.
Thanks for posting.
I think there’s something badly twisted and wrong with us to enjoy such a joke. You, of course, yes, we already knew that. But me?
Heh. I take my Kimber 1911 .45cal ACP w/ 230gr HPs, and lay it on the Jeep HEMI’s dash, and say, “Let’s see who’s faster...”
Best FRegards, Dayglored
With all those numbers, you wouldn’t get very far ‘cause you’d have made me kill you by then. 😁
I like your “About Page,” Carriage.
It reminds:
George Burns liked to take strolls through Redwood Forest to look at all the trees he planted as a kid.
Y’all are very welcome. Thanks for spreading these laughs.
Cute! Thanks.
The copy and paste one is beyond cute.
Your’re welcome.
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