I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought “Their cornbread isn’t done in the middle.”
Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.
“You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.”
I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. Give it a minute...
I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”
I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of ... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday. (Sounds like Rodney Dangerfield)
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.
I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test ... same thing.
Those are good!
Thanks. This great humor went out to my old fashioned email list.
Positive comments from many so far:)
Dear John (Advice Columnist),
I hope that you can help me. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go into counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John
So my shrink says to me, “You’ve got a split personality. That’ll be $100.”
I said, “Here’s $50. Get the rest from the other guy!”
It’s a nice break.
Thanks for posting.
Best FRegards, Dayglored
Y’all are very welcome. Thanks for spreading these laughs.
Cute! Thanks.
The copy and paste one is beyond cute.