Posted on 05/21/2021 5:16:19 PM PDT by nickcarraway
The term ‘gaslighting’ has been making its rounds lately, and was one of the most searched relationship terms on Google in 2020. While it’s possible to gaslight in almost any situation, it’s most common in relationships.
But what exactly is gaslighting? In short, it’s a form of emotional or psychological abuse where one party says and does things to manipulate their partner in order to gain power over them .
As the word suggests, it’s akin to the situation where one pours gas over a fire so that it gets so out of control that you have no idea what’s going on. A gaslighter messes with your head by twisting and turning things so much that it eventually feels like things are always your fault and you’re not good enough for them.
The mind games they play are emotionally draining on their ‘victim’ and, while it can work both ways, it’s usually men who do this. Here are seven ways to tell if your partner is gaslighting.
He’s inconsistent
A man who’s gaslighting will say one thing and do something totally different. Most of the time, what he says is literally just talk – he’ll say anything just to distract you from what he’s really doing, which is bound to be something that will upset you. Pay attention to his actions, not his words.
You’re always apologising
You find that you’re constantly saying sorry and, half the time, you have no idea why you’re doing it. A gaslighter is somehow able to turn the tables on their victim so easily that they never take responsibility for anything they’ve done wrong.
In fact, it’s often the other party who ends up apologising, as they wear them down so much that saying sorry and ending the discussion is usually the best way to handle things.
He brings up your past
Your man keeps score of the negative things you’ve done to him and will use these against you at every opportunity. He does this just to make you feel like an awful person so that he comes across as the superior one in your relationship.
Bringing up your past also throws you out of kilter as you wouldn’t expect your partner to do such a thing. Also, apart from hurting you, you might also realise all over again that you did something wrong and will, once again, end up apologising.
He constantly dismisses you
You question things he has said or done but he doesn’t give you any answers. Instead, he dismisses all your thoughts and fears. It’s also not uncommon for a gaslighter to say things to you that make you feel like you’re losing your mind.
You might even soon be questioning your own sanity and this will then make it unlikely that you’ll turn to someone else to get advice on your relationship. This is the gaslighter’s way to make you doubt yourself so that you won’t reveal what he’s doing, meaning you won’t get any advice that will actually be helpful to you.
Or, worse still, you’ll end up being so manic that, even if you do mention anything to anyone else, it’s possible that nobody will believe you.
He uses your weaknesses against you
Whether it’s your insecurities or the love you have for your friends and family, your gaslighting man knows how to hit you where it hurts. So if you tell him you’re unhappy about something he said or did, for example, he’ll expertly turn the conversation around and end up making it about how weak or unworthy you are.
He knows just what to say to throw you off your game, even if you’re ‘winning’ the argument. This, in turn, makes you feel like you can’t go on with the conversation so you shut down and he, once again, gets away scot-free.
He makes you feel like you’re the bad one
Even if it’s clear that he has done something wrong, he’s somehow able to twist things around to put the blame on you.
For example, if he’s been neglecting your relationship and hasn’t made much time for you, and you bring this up, he manages to flip the conversation and end up accusing you for being a control freak or a psycho girlfriend. Whatever the scenario, he succeeds in using your words against you and leave you dumbfounded at the end.
Feeling stable is one thing that most of us aim to achieve in our lives so this is exactly what your man will attempt to take away from you in order to make you feel more dependent on him.
He’ll do things that will make you question everyone else in your life so that he’ll be the only one you trust. This then gives him the upper hand he so wants and you won’t even realise he’s doing it until it’s too late.
Yep. One of my favorite films (the Bergman/Boyer version).
Actually, you are kind of as enlightened as him. The 1944 movie you are talking about was a remake of a 1940 British film Gas Light. But that wasn't the source of the term either...
The British film was based on a 1938 play of the same name. The gas light come from it taking place in 1880s Victorian London, before it had electrical lights.
The Kwanzaa holiday is a good example of gaslighting.
Everything about it is a lie—everything—and _you_ are an evil racist if you point out the obvious...
The author makes it sound like only men gaslight.
I never hear abour Kwanzaa, and I’ve never met anyone who practices it. And I”ve met people who celebrate Festivus.
You’ve obviously never been gaslit.
Good for you.
Others have. When they learn of the term and watch the movie they have an epiphany. It’s not just me, others have had this done to them too. They end up appreciating the fact that the movie was made and the very specific verb coined.
The term is useful, in great part due to its very specificity. Sometimes a little obscurity can be a good thing.
Holy heck no that’s not the case!
-PJ
He took advantage of her very observations about the dimming gas lights to exacerbate her self-doubt. Her distress was so extreme that she allowed him to persuade her that what she was in fact seeing was not in fact happening. She was trapped in his spider’s Web of malign deceipt. He was mentally torturing her.
The British film Gas Light is very good and well worth watching.
Gaslighting is also quite effective. Bummer that our side isn’t up to doing it.
You’re always apologising
> “I’m so sorry for slavery, and for being white.”
He brings up your past
> “You took us out of our nice, peaceful, communities in the Third World and ruined out lives.”
He constantly dismisses you
> President Obama (paraphrase): “I’ve always said that I’ll work with Republicans, but if they keep bringing up the same, failed, ideas, we won’t make any progress.”
He uses your weaknesses against you
> “You said you support freedom, so why do you oppose what people do in their own bedroom? How are you affected if two men decide to ‘marry’? What is wrong with teaching kids white kids not to ‘hate’?”
He makes you feel like you’re the bad one
> “Because of people like you having kids, the planet may not survive another 10 years.”
He confuses you on purpose
> “Not sure what the big deal was regarding Russian Collusion - we always said: ‘if the allegations are proven...’”
He’ll do things that will make you question everyone else in your life so that he’ll be the only one you trust. This then gives him the upper hand he so wants and you won’t even realize he’s doing it until it’s too late.
—
Next step, to guarantee you are totally in his power, is to make you do something you would never do to someone you love or to your best friend: like the loved one is making too much eating while you are watching TV, have her call the police and tell them you are being abused.
Now when he asks you for your bank and social security numbers, you will jump to give him access; then, on discovering you have been ripped off, defend him saying he’s not a liar.
"Will Mr. Harry Markle please pick up the red courtesy phone."
Sounds a LOT like Sociopathy to me...
“ it’s usually men who do this.”
LOL!!! NOT in my world, pal. I have an ex-wife I’d like you to meet...
>>author is a moron and has NO idea where the term “gaslight” came from, namely the movie “Gaslight”, so they just made up a fake etymology ...
“BALVINDER SANDHUHER” = BS
Yes, it’s like all of the bogus entries in Urban Dictionary for things where people just enter their half assed guess at what something means rather than doing any research.
Kwanzaa propaganda for children—read it and puke:
https://commoncorekingdom.com/2018/12/teaching-about-kwanzaa-in-classroom.html
That sentence doesn’t make any sense at all.
Well, I was very close. Except it wasn’t the basement, it was the attic. And he didn’t manipulate gas valves, he just turned on the gaslights in the attic which caused the lights in her part of the house to dim. Of course, to turn on a gas light you must turn a valve. So, I had the gist of it. I’m pleading for a better critique from you. I am not going to watch the movie again. Saw it long long ago.
-PJ
Fair enough. In the final analysis, the operative term for what he was doing to her became known as “gaslighting”.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.