Posted on 05/13/2021 8:50:51 AM PDT by sodpoodle
They walk amongst us'. I'm sure that you have heard that expression before. Well, here are a few that are new to me.
A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge (still working), he put it on his front drive and hung a sign on it saying,
'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
He changed the sign to read,
'Fridge for sale £50.'
The next day someone stole it!
***
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted,
"Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and said,
"Where?"
***
While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
The Estate agent asked,
'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for some time.
She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.'
***
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in a cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
"I drove down in a convertible." then she said,
"I didn't think I'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
***
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the boot of her car.
***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage carousel area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.
'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'
***
While working at a pizza restaurant I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time, then said,
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”
***
Dumb as a box of Rocks.
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where a prominent politician happened to appear. He took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," he asked,
"how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," replied the doctor.
"You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?" asked the politician.
"Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' ".
The politician thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh,
"You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
***
Traffic Camera.
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for 'Driving without a seat belt.'
**
An extra!!!
In response to President Biden’s complaint that FOX News doesn’t show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air “America’s Most Wanted “ TWICE a week.
Traffic Camera.
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.
He tried a fourth time with the same result.
He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for ‘Driving without a seat belt.’
ping
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted,
“Look at that dead bird!”
Someone looked up at the sky and said,
“Where?”
I pull that on kids all the time!.....................
They also generally vote socialist (Liberal and NDP in Kanadahar, Democrat in the US) and have no clue about anything.
“I drove down in a convertible.” then she said,
“I didn’t think I’d get sunburned because the car was moving.”
Can I guess her hair color?.....................
That’s cruel:)
It tells me which are the smart kids................
The last one is hysterical...!
Many moons ago we did a survey for the high school paper. We asked dozens of graduating seniors simple questions like “which two oceans border the USA” and “which two countries border the USA”. Barely 50% could answer.
Needless to say, they didn’t let us publish the story.
One asked us if the sun was always round. She said “you know, like the moon isn’t always round”.
"Now children, in this room we're going to learn about World War Eleven."
Shouldn’t it be “The blonde looked up at the sky and said...”?
Reminds me of the old “Why is gullible written on the ceiling?” My kids will still fall for that one!
I’m pretty sure that the Artic Ocean borders the USA.
A variation I have heard.....................
My shrink said to me, “Your problem is you’ve got a split personality. That’ll be $100.”
I said, “Here’s $50. Get the rest from the other guy.”
I suppose. Some call it the Arctic Sea. But we weren’t as smart as you are, just high school kids no trick questions :-)
Remember, almost half the people are below average...
How many of each type of animal did Moses take on the ARK ?
I’m convinced it’s more than half.
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