Posted on 01/19/2021 7:48:39 PM PST by Beowulf9
Brought my mother who is 94 and has intermittent confusion and a possible fall to my house to care for her. In the past 3 weeks she has eaten and drank less and less. Refusing all sorts of food she used to eat, scrambled eggs or eggs of any kind, ensure which she used to drink and like, yogurt, chicken salad sandwich which she used to like and now refuses any food. She stopped eating altogether and drinks one cup of coffee in the morning and that's about it and that coffee is a half a cup is all. She has good teeth and no problem chewing but stays in bed and sleeps off and on all day saying just I want to sleep. She gets up and goes to the bathroom which is right by her bedside about 6 feet away then back to bed.
I had to bring her dog over, a labrador who stays by her side constantly and who she gives all her food to if I leave the room. When I put him out while attempting to feed her she eats only a very small portion and then asks where is the dog. If I bring him in she commences to give him whatever food I brought in.
Today I called 911, had the ambulance come, she refused them to take her blood pressure or listen to her heart at all. I helped put the leads on for an ekg during which she began hitting me, repeatedly while I did, thankfully it was normal sinus rhythm. She kept telling the ambulance people 'no, I'm not going, go away, I'm not doing it, I'm not going, go away' the entire time they were here.
Because she refused to go to the hospital, and she was not having trouble breathing or having a dangerous heart rhythm they did not take her in.
She desperately needs iv fluids, and I would love it if they would pump some iv nutrition into her but I cannot get her to go to the hospital. I do not have Power of attorney and cannot get it here at home but they would not take her if I did based on the findings of her not being in dire health circumstances.
Anyone have any ideas? How to feed? How to get any nutrition in her? I would appreciate any helpful suggestions.
Your mother needs to be in hospice care. You shouldn’t try to deal with this on your own.
My 92 year old mom died in November. She had advancing dementia, we had to put her in an assisted living facility two years before she died, her cognitive decline was that bad. About 4 months before she died she was additionally enrolled in hospice care, Medicare paid for almost everything.
Don’t try to take care of her by yourself. Your mother is in the process of dying and you need the help and support of professionals.
We start it tomorrow. I'm hopeful that as the depression lifts a little her willingness to eat, shower, stay hydrated, and take her meds will improve.
Get a copy of the '36 Hour Day' by Mace and Rabins.
Get some 'Liquid IV Hydration Multiplier' it really helps with the hydration.
Get a gerontologist to do a dementia evaluation. Draw the numbers on this clock, draw the hands to 10 min after 11, etc.
Contact your local Alzheimer's Association chapter. They have a LOT of resources, and they know exactly where you are coming from.
GET HELP! It is really too much for one person, really, it is! Even having someone show up for a few hours a week just to talk gives her a sense of normalcy, and you a brief and much needed respite.
If you need a CNA to bathe her, get one! Her doctor can arrange for a social worker to come by evaluate the needs, even ones you're too close to to see, and recommend assistance. Medicare will cover those needs.
There are times it's like dealing with a 5-foot 150 lb two year old, or a liberal, in full tantrum. Except it's easier to reason with a two-year old, and you know the two year old will eventually out grow it, one day at a time. She won't, she'll be a little worse every day, some days more so that others.
If she won't eat try Ensure or Boost, get a bunch of different flavors, perhaps she'll find one she likes.
Don't just feed her, eat with her. Eating is to some degree a social activity, a family meal or even a mead for two can stimulate the urge to eat.
Good luck. I know from my experience you'll need it, and more patience than any mere mortal.
On the plus side dementia isn't contagious, but there will be days when you are certain it is!
However you deal with the situation, just don’t put yourself in the position of being accused of neglect down the road. This is a whole different world today.
My wife was helping out an elderly neighbor lady that just passed away. Same thing happened. She died in her home surrounded by loved ones. They were all thankful that she was able to live at home until the end. They only allow one visitor a day at the hospital.
She did have a nurse come in 3x a week to check on things, she was on an oxygen tank for the last month. But it was so sad to see her dwindle away. But she was talking and could hold a conversation up until the last two days.
Blessings to you and your mother.
My mom just died at the age of 98. She had a stroke and was semi-comotose for three months before she slipped away. Everyone dies differently.You just need to let nature take its course.
Praying for you and your dear mom.
With my mom UTIs make her confused and cause so much pain she can barely walk. After one in mid-December she had a reaction to the antibiotic and then developed pneumonia. After a week in the hospital she was diagnosed with Squamous non-small cell lung cancer, stage 3 or 4. She now eats very little and is not mobile. I asked her about cancer treatment her reply was “I haven’t thought about it”. She’s 83 and won’t fight.
Beowulf9, my heart goes out to you for what you’re going through.
Medicare paid for assisted living ?
.
My mom is getting old and starting to lose some of her memory. There are certain things she would prefer family to do, and certain things she would prefer the family not be involved in. There are certain things like attaching an IV or performing routine checks like BP measurement that she might prefer be done by a nurse.
You might just need someone to come in two or three times a week for four hours a day. That would still be pricy, but not to the point of financial ruin.
Contact the doctor’s office and see if they can help you get a home care nurse.
I took care of my Dad for several years as dementia slowly took him, I made sure every day to tell him how much I and my brothers and sisters loved him. It was an exhausting and lonely experience but still a great privilege, and with as much humor as we could muster, lots of prayers and patience, we managed 7 yrs through cycles of good and bad days. But eventually it comes to this stage, sometimes accelerated by a fall.
I just went through this with my father, who had dementia, who could go days without sleeping just wandering around trying to get out to ‘go home’ [a far away and long gone home from his childhood] and who, during all this wandering about, fell, and after the fall lost his appetite for almost everything except malts, lost weight rapidly before falling a second time and crumpling up like a shattered, dying spider. He literally was outliving his skin, which was so thin the slightest touch would tear it, and it seemed he suddenly went from drinking a lot of fluids on his own to forgetting how to drink at all except via a straw. It is imperitive you get a home care nurse to help you with hydration and providing comfort to your loved one, for her sake, and for you, so that you do not risk a breakdown or being accused of neglect when the loved one refuses to eat or unable to even sip from a straw. Since this sounds like your loved one is on the way to the Lord as my Dad was, the doc may recommend home hospice care instead of moving her, especially since home care is less risky for covid... Please take advantage of any help offered , I would not want you to go through what I went through all alone trying to care for my Dad at the very end when everything was shutting down.
I weep for you and the situation you’re in. It sounds like your mother is shutting down for her final journey. I hope that her passage to the other side is as painless and non-traumatic as possible, and that G-d grants you strength to carry you through what you must go through. As others have said, make sure you have all the necessary documents taken care of so there won’t be any legal issues.
Many states have programs to assist with in-home care, especially if she or her husband was a veteran. My grandmother, who is suffering from Alzheimer’s and living with her lucid, but even older second husband, recently received help like this from a program in Kentucky. Both my late grandfather and my step-grandfather are veterans, so that may have helped her.
Your mom is preparing to pass away at the end of her long life.
Do everything you can to make her comfortable and enjoy her while you can. She will be gone soon.
I'm sorry but you need to prepare yourself and your family for her to die. She knows her time has come. Don't fight it but calm yourself and pray she goes peacefully.
My prayers are with her and her family.
I will also be in the same situation soon.
If she is 94 she is probably just tired. Care for her soul and remember with her things from your lives together. Offer her food and drink but don’t force it. Give her lots of love by just being there. Talk of her future and who she is hoping to see.
Talk to a medical professional and let her go.
I know nobody wants to hear that but at 94, it sounds like time for her.
I’ll be praying for you.
My Dad really liked the new peach flavored kind of Ensure, he couldn’t stand the other flavors, but peach was hard to get. What kept him going for his final year, though, was a daily real vanilla malt and a drive to the burger place drivethru to get it, and often his appetite would improve enough on the way that he’d want a burger to; he liked Frisco Melts. Not cheap, but worth it. The managers and employees at both Dairy Queen and Steak n Shake were sweet, they often slipped extra cherries into his malt for him, which they fixed when they spotted us coming.
“I do not have Power of attorney”
There is nearly nothing you can do. Until she gets so that she is in dire medical emergency, there is nearly nothing you can do.
You need to try and talk to her somehow. How I do not know.
Believe me you don’t want any regrets. My father died in the hospital asking everyday to please let him come home. Instead of listening to my gut I listened to doctors. I wish I had brought him home. I did not make the same mistake with my mother. She died at home where she was comfortable with her little dog by her side. It was scary for me to watch her slowly die, I was afraid she was hungry and thirsty but I learned that as the body shuts down you don’t want food or drink. I kept making sure mom took little sips of water and bites of food if she wanted it. Did everything I could to make her peaceful and comfortable. A nurse came by a few times a week to help. I think the best thing you can do is let her spend her final days with her dog and with you holding her hand. I’m praying for you.
My mother’s work was done at 91 1/2 when she was called Home.
She’s now in a “Land where we’ll never grow old “
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