Posted on 01/19/2021 7:48:39 PM PST by Beowulf9
Brought my mother who is 94 and has intermittent confusion and a possible fall to my house to care for her. In the past 3 weeks she has eaten and drank less and less. Refusing all sorts of food she used to eat, scrambled eggs or eggs of any kind, ensure which she used to drink and like, yogurt, chicken salad sandwich which she used to like and now refuses any food. She stopped eating altogether and drinks one cup of coffee in the morning and that's about it and that coffee is a half a cup is all. She has good teeth and no problem chewing but stays in bed and sleeps off and on all day saying just I want to sleep. She gets up and goes to the bathroom which is right by her bedside about 6 feet away then back to bed.
I had to bring her dog over, a labrador who stays by her side constantly and who she gives all her food to if I leave the room. When I put him out while attempting to feed her she eats only a very small portion and then asks where is the dog. If I bring him in she commences to give him whatever food I brought in.
Today I called 911, had the ambulance come, she refused them to take her blood pressure or listen to her heart at all. I helped put the leads on for an ekg during which she began hitting me, repeatedly while I did, thankfully it was normal sinus rhythm. She kept telling the ambulance people 'no, I'm not going, go away, I'm not doing it, I'm not going, go away' the entire time they were here.
Because she refused to go to the hospital, and she was not having trouble breathing or having a dangerous heart rhythm they did not take her in.
She desperately needs iv fluids, and I would love it if they would pump some iv nutrition into her but I cannot get her to go to the hospital. I do not have Power of attorney and cannot get it here at home but they would not take her if I did based on the findings of her not being in dire health circumstances.
Anyone have any ideas? How to feed? How to get any nutrition in her? I would appreciate any helpful suggestions.
Unfortunately, the time to have a discussion about letting someone go needs to happen while the person is still cognizant. I'm sorry you have to go through with this. It is a rough situation to be in the middle of.
I was given the power of health decisions for my mom in the event she was unable to respond, including a "no resuscitate" clause in her health directive (she had a long list of comorbidities). She signed that document while she understood what she was signing. It actually came to that point when I got a call in the middle of the night saying she wasn't responding. Despite her directive, I gave the OK to send her to the hospital. It's tough to let go even when it's what the person wants. As it is, God had other plans, and the phone call I received 10 minutes after the first one confirmed it. I knew before I answered the second call.
You stated the answer: in-home nutritional therapy by private nurses— if you are willing to go that route.
But deal with your expectations. It may just be time for her. I sang hymns to my mom.
Prayers for you and her! My dear late mom ate like a bird most of her life, however, in her last years, she would eat sweet things like fruits, jams, Pepperage Farms cookies and (yes, gross) Sweet & Low sprinkled on buttered bread. So, I’m just wondering if you can entice her with her favorite sweets...
However, statistically they don't prolong life: careful spoon feeding of her favorite foods is the preferred way.
And check if she has a Urinary tract infection or another minor infection or constipation or chronic pain (e.g. arthritis). A visiting nurse can evaluate her for these things better than an ER visit.
The book “The Summer of the Great Grandmother” by Madeline L’Engle tells the story of caring for her mother.
I have read the organs are shutting down, food is not required. Sign the body is preparing to die.
My mother was very strong willed. She said that she would never die — we could never discuss the issue. Eventually she started failing, agreed to Hospice and refused to eat or drink. She was more at peace than in years. She faded so slowly that the time of death was rather obscure. Death freed her from 10 years of daily struggle. It was hard on us, but she is at rest.
I'll be in the same situation soon enough I fear.
Please call her doctor and discuss this. Dementia is difficult to manage. It certainly affects the brain’s signals for hunger and thirst. Her physician may have some solutions you are not aware of n your community. She may qualify for in-home medical or hospice care so she won’t need to be afraid of having to leave.
It’s tough. Try Ensure if she’ll drink it. The best advice you’ve already heard...love her, be with her and pray for her.
Please google “ the dwindles and death”, lots of good info there. Here is just one:
http://www.stacommunications.com/journals/pdfs/cme/cmefebruary2003/yaa.pdf
You may want to contact an in home hospice provider. One that really knows about the dwindles and has a geriatrics doctor available.
You need to get some support for yourself and her.
Prayers that you can find a way.
IF you admit her to hospice you’ll probably never see her again (Covid). She will think everyone has deserted her. With my FIL, we went through in house hospice. They set up a hospital bed in his house. A nurse comes by once a week to dole out medicines. Somebody has to be there 24-7. It’s hard. It’s inconvenient. But it’s honorable and shows respect for what they’ve done for us over the years.
A POA is for finances, a health care proxy is what you mean. You can get the document from the hospital and she can sign it at home if that’s what she wants. However she has a right to make her own medical decisions..Try to keep her hydrated..
Chocolate. Candy. Hotdogs, hamburgers, fries, soft-drinks.
Whatever would entice her to consume calories and liquid.
Above all keep her hydrated as that will help to keep her comfortable.
If it’s depression, talk to her doc and get medication to treat it.
Tell her that she has no say as to when she dies, that the almighty decides that. Tell her that her job is to kick, and hang on for the sake of her family. Our job is to live.
Yeah, it can make you look selfish, but don’t be afraid to put your foot down.
I am a professional caregiver of many years experience. I’m so sorry but what you describe is typical of end-of-life patients.
Do what LadyJane suggests. Say what’s in your heart. Let her give the dog food if she wants to. Prepare.
May God bless you both.
My 93 year old grandfather got this way in the latter part of his life. It was like he didn’t have anything to live for. I had to do things to arouse his interest and get him out of that bedroom. He was very vitamin deficient. The only thing he would eat was a pork sausage patty and drink some hot chocolate. I started grinding up multi-vitamins and putting them in his food. After about a week, he would finally get out of bed and come to the kitchen to eat. He then started coming outside on the porch during the day. It made a great improvement, and he lasted about a year after that.
Does she still have her house? Where did you bring her from? Maybe somehow she is missing wherever she was at?
I am so glad I put this up here. Honestly these are some good ideas and I will call hospice tomorrow but in order to get hospice you need a doctor to order it and in order to do that you need to see a doctor and she will not leave the house.
This post is very beautiful and I wanted to say thank you for these very beautiful thoughts and I will go do them starting right now.
Hospice. They are not a “death sentence” any more; my mother got on hospice care when she was 93, and stayed there, well taken care of and happy, until she passed at 98. More, hospice care can take care of you and your needs as well. They really are a god-send.
Tell her how much you love her and how you will be lost without her. Ask her what she wants to eat or drink and if it’s nothing tell her you understand.
Read to her from the Bible, sit with her and again tell her how much you love her and are grateful for the life she gave to you. Just be with her as much as you can. She wants to go home.....you can’t stop it. Just love her.
I’m sorry to hear about your heartache. This is apparently very typical when people are ready to go home. Your best bet is to spend as much time with her as you can and let her know how much you love her, but not keep her spirit on earth any longer than she wants to be here.
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