Goodbye Bob
Posted on 12/18/2020 8:46:29 AM PST by Colonial35
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. What was that for? the man asked. The wife replied, That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket! The man then said When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on. The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. Wife replied. Your horse phoned!
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much . People do not decline
mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have
more information in their brains, scientists believe.
Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take
longer to access information when their brains are full.
Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline.
The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because
we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak.
On the contrary, they simply know more. Also, older people often go to another room
to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.
It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise.
A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat,
directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair.
His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he’s without shoes.
His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big,
bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus
travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, What are you looking at,
old man! Didn’t you do anything wild when you were young?
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, Yeah. Back when I was very young and in
the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might
be my son.
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the
living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks,
and as he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says What’s this?
She says, Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.
He says, Jeez...oooh....I...
She says, Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, How do you determine whether or not an
older person should be put in a Nursing Home?
Well, he said, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket
to the person to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger
than the spoon or the teacup.
No, he said. A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?
... yee-up. Never again.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning,
said the young man. If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would
like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
Go away! said the old lady. I haven’t got any money! and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
Don’t be too hasty! he said. Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your
carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said, Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite,
because they cut off my electricity this morning.
Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.
Hey! Don’t give the prisons any ideas! 8>D
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at
herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like
to have for her birthday.
I’d like to be eight again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride
in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything
there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her
stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a
Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it
like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
I meant my dress size, you Twit.
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store
was very surprised when a woman behind him said,
“Hello!” Her face was beaming. But he didn’t recognize her at all.
She read his _expression, assumed she’d made a mistake, and said;
“I’m sorry but when I first saw you,
I thought you were the father of one of my children,” and she left the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself,
“What is the world coming to?
She can’t keep track of who fathers her children!”
Then he got a little panicky. He didn’t remember her,
but, MAYBE he’d met her during one of the wild parties he used to go to.
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked,
“Are you the girl I met at a party and had sex with on the
pool table in front of everyone?”
“No”, she said with a horrified look on her face.
“I’m your son’s third grade teacher!”
Classic lol 😆
Note from woman to another
Sorry I slapped you, but you just kept talki g and talking g , and I just panicked
Goodbye Bob
Lol! Good one!
Did you hear about the old guy who could no longer take care of himself at home, whose son put him in a retirement home? As he sat in his wheelchair, he leaned over to the left. Quickly, an aide came over and propped up his left side with a pillow. Then, he started leaning over to the right. As before, an aide hurried over, this time propping up his right side with a pillow. The he started leaning forward. The aide ran over and repositioned him, cautioning him to take care so he wouldn’t fall. Later that day, his son came to visit him. ‘Well, Dad, he asked, how do you like the home so far?” Leaning in closer to his son, the old man whispered, “It’s not bad, Son, but they won’t let you pass gas.”
(more) Marriage Humor
When the minister at our wedding said “Till death do you part”, I never thought it would be a competition!
I changed the password on my computer to Kenny.
I changed the password on my phone to Kenny.
I changed the password on all my devices to Kenny.
All my log ins are Kenny Loggins.
Keep ‘em coming;)
Not getting emails from my good friend - so no threads lately:(
You mean 20 million....
Early one morning before the gates of Heaven have opened for the day, St. Peter is looking down from the walls at the souls who have arrived during the night, patiently waiting to be processed.
They are all organized by categories into queues, according to signs telling them where to wait.
For instance, there's one sign saying "For husbands who have been hen-pecked by their wives" - and in front of the sign there's a line of men so long that it stretches out over the horizon. Next to it, there's a sign saying "For husbands who have NOT been hen-pecked by their wives" - and there's one solitary guy standing in front of it.
Seeking to make conversation, St. Peter flies down to the man and asks him, "So how did you get here?" The man replies, "I dunno. My wife told me to stand here."
An elderly man told me once the Secret to their long Marriage was Dancing twice a week.
He went out on Tuesday and She on Fridays.
One morning Adam is strolling through the Garden of Eden and God says, "How are you doing, Adam?"
"Oh, hi Lord. Just great. Except ...."
"Except what?"
"Well, I love everything you created, and your letting me choose names for all the plants and animals, but ...... but, I just feel there's something important missing."
God says, "I know what you need. I'll make you a woman."
"What's a woman, Lord?"
"She will be this beautiful creature you'll instantly fall in love with, and she with you. She'll never lose her beauty for all of her life, nor her enthusiastic adoration of you. She'll cook and clean, share your bed and never say she 'has a headache,' bear your children and when they cry in the middle of the night, she'll be the one to get up. She'll always accept your lead, and practically never argue with you, and in the rare cases when she does she'll always apologize first. Someday when you invent the horse & buggy, she'll never criticize your driving." Etc, etc etc .....
Adam says, "Wow! Sounds great, Lord. But what's this going to cost me?"
God says, "Oh, an arm and a leg".
Adam says, "Ehhhhhh, what can I get for a rib?"
[Joke #2]: One day Eve is walking in the Garden, and let's out a deep sigh.
God: "What's wrong, Eve?"
Eve: "Well, I don't know. There shouldn't be anything wrong. You've created this beautiful garden, and I just love all these animals you've made, especially that snake. He's such a hoot! .... but somehow I just sense that there has to be something more than this".
God: "I know what to do. I'll make a man for you."
Eve: "What's a man, Lord?"
God: "Well, he'll look a lot like you. He won't be as smart, but he'll be taller and faster and stronger than you, so he'll assume that makes him your superior. He'll pretend to listen when you pour your heart out, but he won't actually have the capacity to understand you. He'll have an easily-bruised ego, so you'll have to tiptoe around it on eggshells, else he'll pout for hours or days. But hey, he'll be great in the sack! And he'll hunt down yummy-tasting 4-footed ungulates for you to eat. And there's one thing he will be really REALLY good at, which is kicking a ball around on a field ... and I just can't wait until there are more like him and they get together in teams and ... but hey, I'm getting ahead of myself here."
Eve says in a heavily sarcastic tone: "Sounds GREEEAAAT, Lord".
God: "Oh yeah? Well better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick! However, I can't let you have him unless you agree to one condition".
Eve: "What's that, Lord?"
God: "Well, you remember I warned you about his fragile ego? So that means you're going to have to let him believe that I created him first".
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